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Movie Review: Hit and Run

August 24, 2012
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Dax Shepard: Okay, I’m writing this vehicle — hmm, vehicle — what do you want to be?

Kristen Bell: I’ve always wanted to work in conflict negotiation, or something with horses.

DS: Perfect! I’m playing a badass driver/action hero with a heart of gold and a great left hook. you can always be arguing with me over violence.

KB: Well, I don’t want to be too stuffy.

DS: No, the twist is that you’ll be the aggressive one, like we’ll have one scene where I say something that offends you and you get really mad at me. And I’ll always be doing what you want.

KB: Ha!

DS: And I’ll be in the witness protection program, so I can call myself somebody cool.

KB: Nathan Fillion!

DS: No, I want to go old school.

KB: Clint Eastwood!

DS: Ehh, someone more obscure. Like Charles Bronson! Yeah, and my real name is Yul!

KB: But you haven’t had a haircut or shave in…ever?

DS: That can be the joke!

KB: Okay…Oh, can we get Gary Oldman to be somebody? I love him.

DS: Yeah! You ever see True Romance? He can play the pimp guy with the dredlocks from that!  And we can both be on the run, too!

KB: Uh, I think he died in the movie. He might be too old to reprise that anyway. Oh! Oh! How about Bradley Cooper? He can play anything!

DS: Sure! And I want Kristin Chenoweth as a sassy, sex-obsessed character. Like she’ll be getting a massage and ask the handler…

KB: It’s called a “masseur,” honey.

DS: Whatever. Anyway, she’ll be getting one and then ask the guy if that’s it, because she’s so horny.

KB: Do you know anything about women?

DS: And Tom Arnold can be the bumbling Marshal who’s assigned to protect me. And David Koechner can be a redneck who hits on you! And somewhere in there we need to have some old people having sex.

KB: Is there something you’re not telling me?

DS: Ooo! And dogs! I want to have someone beat up a black guy for mistreating a dog!

KB: Uh, honey?

DS: AND I’LL HAVE SEX WITH A BLACK CHICK! I WILL BURN OUT IN SLOW MOTION TO “SWEET EMOTION” AND KILL YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND! I AM CTHULU! HEAR MY CALL AND TREMBLE!

KB: Let’s lose the Cthulu and get Beau Bridges.

Rating: 2.5/5

Hit and Run is rated R. Written and directed by Dax Shepard. Starring Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Kristin Chenoweth, Tom Arnold, Bradley Cooper, Beau Bridges, Michael Rosenbaum, David Koechner, Joy Bryant, Ryan Hansen, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman.

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