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{ Top Shelf }

October 19, 2011

Friends, not a day goes by when my email inbox isn’t flooded with requests for me to do a Top Shelf type story about my beauty products and regime. I get countless questions about my hair such as, ‘What have you done?’, and, ‘Holy crap, did you do that to yourself?’ and so on (My secret? I wash it every six to eight weeks – whether it needs it or not! I am nothing if not steeped in decadence and luxury). I receive similar queries about my skincare routine and favored cosmetics – so I finally thought to myself, ‘Why not give my readers what they so deeply desire? Why not indeed! I’ll finally reveal my attractiveness secrets and do a Top Shelf post of my own!’

And then I got this really big bastard of a sinus infection. So now you are getting this instead:

{ Top Shelf In The Event That You Have A Big Bastard Of a Sinus Infection }

Well, Fair Readers, the first thing you are going to want to do if you feel a sinus infection coming on is get a Neti Pot to clean out your sinuses. If you don’t have a Neti Pot, you can use basic saline spray. If you are like me, however, and you have none of these things at hand when you fall ill, you can MacGyver yourself a nasal cleansing system by mixing a half a teaspoon of salt with a cup of boiled water and using a bulb syringe to shoot the saline up your nose (NOTE: you want to do this after the water cools a bit and do it over the sink). If it sounds awful, let me assure you – IT IS. It’s also really disgusting. I think it’s what drowning must feel like.

I tend to approach the onset of a sinus infection with a touch of healthy denial. I don’t care much for visiting the doctor, so I like to go to the local drugstore and peruse the medicine section with a Heal Thyself philosophy. My personal preferences are to go with the Walgreens/generic form of Sudafed for allergies (for the irritability!) and then splurge on the Tylenol brand cold medicine (for the vivid nightmares!) and of course, I can’t seem to keep Advil in my medicine cabinet, I just go through that stuff like it’s YSL Touche Eclat*. I used the three of these alternately for about a week before the incontrovertible signs of Death Flu set in.

Not surprisingly, my DIY approach failed (as it almost always does – aside from making me very irritable and prone to hallucinations – OTC drugs rarely work on me the way they are designed to)  and I ended up seeking aid from a medically trained professional. I only let Dr. Killen of Brookside Family Medicine touch my ears, nose and throat – and during a recent visit I was treated to what experts consider to be the crème de la crème of flu testing, the SWINE FLU test. I don’t mean to brag, but it’s kind of a big, fancy deal. During my SWINE FLU test, a cotton swab was jammed up my nose and then rattled around for a prolonged period of time, it’s uncomfortable and a little bit horrifying – but the results are worth it…unfortunately, I’m kind of a baby about having things inserted into my nostrils, so I was still batting and swatting at imaginary swabs for a good 30 seconds after the procedure ended. When it was concluded that I had a particularly nasty sinus infection, I opted for a generic antibiotic the size of a horse pill for treatment – as well as a probiotic regimen.

But what of your cosmetics, you may be asking? Worry not, lovelies – I did use some during this time. As it happened, I had family in town visiting while I was sick and after the third consecutive day of bed rest (while watching YouTube make-up tutorials in which 12 year old girls taught me how to apply eyeliner), I decided to treat myself to a shower and cry. Post shower, I swathed myself in several layers of sweat pants-type clothing to keep the chills and fever sweats contained and then I dabbed on a touch of concealer to cover the hallowed shadows of my eye-sockets and cheek tint (Pixi in Flushed, from Target) to brighten up my Death Mask complexion. I didn’t bother with mascara, what with the uncontrollable weeping and itchy eyes, but let me tell you what little I used must have worked wonders because my father – who notices nothing unless it is a firearm or something that can be shot with a firearm and then eaten – even remarked on my appearance.

Dad Almirall: “Well, you are looking much better!”

Me: “I’m wearing make-up.”

DA: “Oh…hahahahaha…so you’re really not then.”

I think that kind of covers it. I hope you are are well and enjoying the best month of the year – if you happen to be in the death throes of Autumn Flu, feel better soon so you can go about putting your awesome Halloween costume together. I call dibs on Sexy Optimus Prime this year!

*Okay, I’ve never used YSL Touche Eclat, but the beauty bloggers go on and on about it like it’s liquid gold or unicorn water.



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6 Responses to “ { Top Shelf } ”

  1. Sinus Sister on October 19, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Jane, I feel your pain. My Death Mask-like complexion should be around for Hallowe’en, at least, so there’s an upside. Next time you feel the sinus symptoms coming, try taking local, raw honey. It has antibiotic properties and it tastes yummy after taking a horse pill. Also, hold a hot compress over your sinus area (careful not to burn your skin, as I do occasionally) and tilt your head back slightly. Sit on the toilet and cry. Repeat when the cloth cools down. There’s an original Sinus Sister drink recipe on my blog that really works. It features apple cider vinegar (I know, ew), honey and ginger. Boil and drink. I also review cosmetics that relate to sinus meltdowns—meaning waterproof!!

  2. Jane on October 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Sinus Sister – Thank you so much for reading and for commenting as well!
    I just visited your website and you are a woman after my own heart! I am trying your apple cider vinegar recipe right now and I very much enjoyed your mascara review. I’m always on the hunt for a good one and I will be frequenting your site regularly!

    I’ve been drinking a Toddy at night that sounds similar to your remedy (honey, lemon, apple cider vinegar, boiling water and…a drop or dram of whiskey). I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’m sleeping better ;)

  3. Sinus Sister on October 19, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Hot Toddy, you say? BOTTOMS UP!!!! No need to go lightly on the whiskey, unless you’ve had more than, say, 6 Advil Cold and Sinus today. But I’m no doctor. More like a naughty nurse.

    I’m hoping to re-post your hilarious article on Sinus Sister tomorrow, with links to your original story, of course. Is that okay?

    Best advice, ever: Don’t buy cheap tissues, or your nose will give you away!!!

  4. Jane on October 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Sinus Sister – Re-post away, I really appreciate it and am delighted that you found it funny enough to post it on your site!

    Your apple cider vinegar remedy is THE JAM – I’ve been drinking it today and I do feel better (I blew it and bought cheap tissues though – and, as you said, my nose looks like it’s going to fall off)!

    Now I’m off to make my Hot Toddy! CHEERS!

  5. Amy on October 20, 2011 at 1:43 am

    I too have heard many, MANY people go on and on about YSL Touche Eclat. So once, while crossing the Atlantic, I bought it in the Duty Free shop (p.s. I’m not sure the Duty Free shop is helpful if paying in dollars….).

    Anyway, I payed a lot of money for this magical elixir and discovered either:

    A) I’m past helping even for the Touche Eclat.
    B) I need to YouTube me up some tutorials in how to use unicorn water.

    I hope you’re feeling better. I have no doubt you were stunning even whilst (good English verbiage) mid-bigbastardsinusinfection.

    And I’m glad you don’t have pork flu. xxx

  6. Jane on October 20, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Amy – I played with a tube of the Touche in a Sephora a year or so back (after Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice so lovingly endorsed it’s magical beautifying properties) and I only made myself look like a chalky mess. For me I think it was a combination of both A) and B). If I come across a good Unicorn Water tutorial, I shall pass it on!