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Notes From A Walkman Junkie: “It’s Not A Toomah.” It Was A Toomah, Actually.

August 18, 2011

If you are at all squeamish and happen to be enjoying a nice big juicy meatball or something right now, you may wish to skip this little medical tale, but if not, let us dig in, shall we?

This story begins like many other horrific things in life–with an attempt to groom and/or bathe my pet bunny.  I was clipping my bunny’s nails, as they had nearly reached the Nosferatu level of ridiculousness, with the assistance of my helpful companion (it is a two person bunny undertaking, maybe three if the bunny is in a particularly foul mood and you just moved the bunny into a new place where the bunny believes that the shiny concrete floor is the most terrifying shit that the bunny has ever seen and the bunny is convinced  that if one mere paw touches it, immediate embarrassment and, obviously, death are sure to follow).

While clipping the nails on the final front paw, I noticed something that seemed slightly strange under the bunny’s leg (a dangling small round object, strongly resembling a nasty, black heart-looking testicle-like barfy fucking thing).  I, naturally remained remarkably calm (scrambled back two feet away like a crab) and asked my clipping companion what he thought the newly discovered oddity might be (“What the bloody christ is that veiny gruesome shit ball thing attached to my bunny!!?”).

This unsettling foreign object detection occurred rather late in the evening so I placed a call to the vet first thing in the morning, describing the infliction as a tumor like growth, about the size of a large grape and was instantly put at ease by the voice on the other end whispering, “Oh my god, no..” before penciling my bunny in for an appointment the following day.

Transporting the bunny to the vet’s office also required the assistance of my companion and a mild sedative for me.  Once we arrived, I began filling out the important bunny forms consisting of many basic questions like “What is the bunny’s name?” and “Is the bunny male or female?”  I respectfully answered these questions to the best of my knowledge:  “Edgar Esther Constabulary” (the entire office staff referred to my bunny by all three names for the duration of our time there) and  “Not really sure–I did not want to invade the bunny’s privacy, but I am hoping that the bunny is a boy because I have referred to the bunny as such for three and one half years now.”

After the paperwork was complete, we were led into a small room where the vet and her nurse began to examine Edgar Esther Constabulary and a series of traumatic events rapidly unfolded.  Within seconds, we were curtly informed, “It’s a girl” and then Edgar Esther Constabulary struggled vigorously out of the nurse’s hands and the growth ball flew off of Edgar Esther Constabulary’s leg and sprayed tumor blood across my companion’s face and landed on the table and then many little poops shot out of Edgar Esther Constabulary and I instinctively lunged forward to scoop them up exactly like when JFK was assassinated and then the doctor looked at the tumor and my companion asked, hoping to receive some kind of reassurance, “Are those pretty common on bunnies?” and the vet bluntly answered, “No, I have never seen anything like this in my life–have a good day–we will call you later” and then handed us some beef and cheese flavored doggy pain medication.

Fortunately, after further testing, the tumor was pronounced benign (as well as common, ahem) and Edgar Esther Constabulary is in perfect health, aside from the presumed lifetime of mental scarring due to the whole “I thought you were a boy for three and one half years” thing.

I am attaching “I Was Wrong”  by The Morning Benders for your enjoyment.  Sorry, Ms. Edgar.






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10 Responses to “ Notes From A Walkman Junkie: “It’s Not A Toomah.” It Was A Toomah, Actually. ”

  1. Hilah on August 18, 2011 at 9:46 am

    This did make me feel a little barfy, in a pleasant way. Congratulations!

  2. anncine on August 18, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Wonderful, my work is done. Hork.

  3. Nay on August 18, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Oh jeez, how traumatic! Glad everything turned out okay in the end.

  4. anncine on August 18, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Thanks, Nay :) Hopefully Ms. Edgar will forgive me one day…

  5. Nat Almirall on August 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    This sounds like the opening to a The Thing sequel, so I can only assume that your clipping partner was Kurt Russell.

  6. anncine on August 18, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    It was Kurt Russell. He is still trying to get the tumor blood out of his beard.

  7. Jackson on August 20, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    never been likened to good ole Kurt. but yes, i’ve been very busy washing my beard. so much so that i’ve only just now come around to posting this.

    i honestly cannot wait to play “slide the bunny across the brown shiny floor of doom.”

  8. anncine on August 21, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Well, we shall see if Edgar still “likes dad” after that.

  9. Robert on August 24, 2011 at 8:43 am

    In her defence, shiny brown floors are probably what quicksand look like in the jungles of Africa from where all bunnies come.

  10. anncine on August 26, 2011 at 7:23 am

    You make a strong point, Robert. She is also deathly afraid of linoleum, but that is just good taste.