10 Ways to Get Someone to Watch a Movie
We’ve all been in situations where we wanted to share a movie of ostensible significance to us with someone of equal or lesser importance. Occasionally, when the celestial spheres align and a cackling hag is preparing goats for ritual burial, they’ll actually watch it on their own, but it’s rare. And if you don’t want to wait for the crazy lady in room 3207 (take your goddamn Christmas decorations down!) to start shoveling entrails under two moons bumping uglies, you should probably take matters into your own hands before you get distracted by something better.
So here’s a few ways (carefully scattered in ascendingly descending order of effectiveness, assuming you want them to actually get something out of it) to get that someone to finally watch that film that meant something to you at some negligibly important moment in your otherwise futile life. You bastard.
Nothing works better than violence, whether you’re pursuing public office, slaughtering a hen, or making a big sandwich, and the same goes for getting someone to watch a movie. Though “watching” may be a charitable term given that their attention will more likely be focused on the gun-toting madman in their house.
Recommended for: Enter the Void, Berlin Alexanderplatz, The Switch, and other ponderously long, artsy-looking but ultimately vapid films.
9. Promise of Nudity
If you’re not up to the prospect of incarceration, you can always sweeten the pot by mentioning that so-and-so gets totally naked in it. The drawback to this approach is that your prey has likely heard of the Internet. Likewise, it skews heavily toward a male demographic.
Recommended for: Gia, Shortcuts, and anything Kate Winslet’s ever been in ever. Anywhere. Bitch can’t help but git nekkid.
8. Hack Their Netflix
The technologically oriented may try to tinker with the Netflix queue so that it only plays the movies you want someone to watch. I have no idea how to do this, nor do I know if it’s even possible, but moot speculation and a need to have an entry that gets this list to 10 deems it a warranted consideration.
Recommended for: whatever happens to be playing that week, documentaries, The Switch
7. Constantly Reference It Until They Cave
Nothing sticks in a person’s craw like name dropping, or the image of a blocked craw, so why not wage a war of cultural attrition by bombarding them with obnoxious catch-phrases and mildly funny lines from some film they’ve never gotten around to seeing? Eventually they’ll have to give in. Note: This is not recommended if they possess any means of armament, and/or are Dick Cavett.
Recommended for: Casablanca, The Big Lebowski, The Godfather
This only works if you’re a girl.
Recommended for: stupid girl movies, The Switch, etc.
It is not recommended you use this method if your intended film is Cold Turkey—but you should see it anyway, it’s awesome.
Like sex, but for guys.
Recommended for: stupid guy movies, Top Gun, Fight Club, porn
4. Tie It in to Another Movie They Like
This actually works. Probably. Suppose your quarry (that seems like the right word) enjoys Gladiator and you figure that since that stars Russell Crowe, chances are they’d also like Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Chances are they’re mongoloids for not having seen MaC:TFSotW. Another good actor for this is Stephen Rea—he’s in everything and is always a morose badass. Liam Neeson, too.
Recommended for: stupid tranny movies, The Crying Game, The Switch
3. Coax Their Significant Other
Nothing gets someone going where they’ll be gone (yeah, I’ve just checked out on this article) than getting to the person who gets in their pants. The difficulty is that you basically have to convince two people, but the advantage is that you either have two people prodding them to watch the movie or, if they do watch it and hate it, you can deflect all the blame on their partner and sit back while the relationship crumbles, just waiting to swoop in and capture them on the rebound.
Recommended for: Uhhh Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo?
2. Quid Pro Quo
Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and agree that if they’ll show you theirs, you’ll show them yours. This is effective, opens the door for subsequent recommendations, and who knows? You may even end up liking Somewhere in Time or Harold & Maude, but not bloody likely.
Recommended for: Somewhere in Time, Harold and Maude, Lisztomania
1. Make Them Feel Left Out
Last year nearly all the Almirall Kids got together (with the notable exception of cousin Anne. Booooo! [But then I got to see her when she came to Chicago. Yeaaaa!]), and, during our annual road trip, and after a few rounds of “Porno Marquee” (Karate Kid=Bukkake Kid!) the topic of the Rocky movies came up, specifically the badass montage from Rocky IV set to “Hearts on Fire,” and, as a carful of closely-related idiots is wont to do, Jane, John, myself, and our soon-to-be-Stephen-Rea-level-badass-brother-in-law Taki started singing. Sister Sara felt left out, and thus resolved to finally take in a showing of all the Rocky films. And loved them. Loved them so much, she wrote a Cold-Turkey-level-awesome post on them. When all else fails, make them feel like a stranded puppy. Or buy a gun.
Recommended for: Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky Balboa