5 Clothing Trends I Won’t Be Caught Dead In
This past weekend, we finally got some real spring like weather here in the Midwest. While everyone else was hitting the local parks, trails, and tennis courts, I was embarking on my own springtime ritual–shopping. With visions of sundresses and cute outfits dancing in my head, I carried out a strategic hit on several stores.
I’ve got to say, I wasn’t overjoyed by what I saw. There is a bunch of crap being foisted on us this season. Let me make a promise to all you out there reading: I solemnly swear to never wear any of the following trends currently being offered by major retailers. You have every right to slap me silly if I ever renege on this promise.
Sadly, I have been known to break promises. I swore I would never own a pair of skinny jeans (I now own two) and I swore I would not buy leg warmers this year (but they really are warm to wear over your yoga pants before class).
Rompers. I hate these. They started rearing their ugly heads at the end of last summer, and many a time I was made a damn fool by them. I would make a beeline for a super cute skirt I spied on the other side of the department store, and after grabbing it from the rack, I would be horrified to find out that it was a romper, and not a skirt that I held.
It is important to note that roughly the same amount of material I expect to find in a miniskirt is suddenly supposed to cover your boobs and ass, all at once. Adding insult to injury is the fact that the nasty little garments are strapless. Essentially they are an armless, legless piece of unflattering cloth. Perfect for Sherilyn Fenn’s character in Boxing Helena, but not fit for anyone with actual appendages.
The Maxi Dress. Never trust anything actually named after a sanitary pad. Good god, these were everywhere I looked. I thought they would die a horrible death after last summer, but they have multiplied and spread their ugly shapelessness into every nook and cranny left on a given display. The clothing equivalent of a roach, this thinly veiled variation of the “Muumuu” has been in existence for decades. Sure, it slowly evolves from season to season, but a dressed up turd is still a turd. Speaking of turds, the popular prints and colors featured on this year’s floor-skimming disasters prominently featured poo-poo brown, pea-green, and “ethnic” prints.
High Waisted Anything. Why? Doesn’t anyone remember the SNL “Mom Jeans” skit? If not, refresh your memory below.
Let us not forget that it took years of derision and collective shaming on the part of our nation for these atrocities to earn their tragically unhip stigma. Now we have a jackass clothing company that has made a mockery of taste and refinement trying to convince the youth of America that these are cool once again. That’s right, it’s no other than American Apparel peddling a whole new lineup of high waisted hell offerings.
There is a reason we all cleared our closets of high waisted jean shorts and jeans. Remorse. Don’t forget it, lest we repeat our mistakes.
The Oversized Tee. Urban Outfitters devotes a large portion of their online catalog to oversize tees. I guess an oversize tee is not that bad on its own (though it always makes me suspicious that the occupant is trying to hide a large ass). However, the “prints” that they are offering are all kinds of wrong. Hey, check out the t-shirt equivalent of a velvet painting, or better yet the “cropped” oversize tee (worn with high waisted jeans, natch).
My favorite is this oversized tee with a cheetah print cross. It looks like something your aunt would make in church group, thinking it hits all the right notes.
Harem Pants. NEVER should have been invented, and do not deserve a comeback. Can anyone justify the existence of these shitty clown pants? Do people really pay money for these? If you had some money to burn, would you think, “I’m going to get me some harem pants, preferably in a floral print.” Genies and M.C. Hammer are the only beings allowed to wear these, and even then, they are deserving of your stink eye scorn.
So that’s my list of never buys. Have you seen anything out there you care to share so we don’t fall for it?