Ghost Adventures: Salem Witch House
Caution: Spoilers Below
Spoiler => There ain’t no such fuckin thing as ghosts
[My apologies to the true believers, but to be fair, you were warned]
I’d never heard of this show until Friday night when I accidentally stumbled across it, and my initial reaction was to turn to something else, which is a normal reaction I seem to have when presented with a giant pile of magical, “New Age” bullshit pretending to be anything other than it is. Nevertheless, for some reason, I didn’t. Probably because I’ve been wondering what I was going to write about next, and when I saw the show I knew I’d found my next topic.
Ghost hunters, eh? OK, so what’s this show all about?
In short, the plan was for the Ghostbusters team to travel to Salem, MA for historical reasons so obvious that if you don’t already know about the history of Salem (hint: Witch Trials), then it’s incumbent on you to educate yourself, ‘cause I don’t have the patience.
Zak*, the show’s main host, and logical analog to Peter Venkman, brought some very “scientific” looking hardware with him to aid in the whole Ghostbusting endeavor. And since the entire premise of looking for ghosts is obviously bullshit masquerading as…um….plausible bullshit…[shrugs]…the “Ghostbusting gear” will be the focus of this post
What is an EVP? It’s a recorder that purportedly captures Electronic Voice Phenomena (aka, “Spirit Voices”, according to Zak) According to the description at Ghost-Hunting-Equipment.com
Electronic Voice Phenomenon are recordings of voice, or what appears to be a human voice, on an audiotape or other electronic recording device for which there isn’t any known physical explanation. The film, “White Noise,” depicted this phenomenon and raised awareness of the issue among the general public.
Many paranormal researchers believe the recordings represent legitimate, hard evidence of paranormal activity, but the validity of EVP remains controversial to most of the general public.
Skeptics often argue that the sounds heard on the recordings are in fact not voices at all, but distortions caused by magnetic interference, other electronic devices, equipment malfunctions, or inexperienced users.
Others argue that, although the sounds are voices, the voices are merely wash-over from television and radio broadcasts, CB radio transmissions, and similar broadcasts.
Skeptics often argue against the validity of EVP’s because, as I’ve already mentioned, there’s no such fucking thing as ghosts. Seriously, there isn’t, and it’s time to grow up and face that reality boys & girls.
Anyway, here’s where you can buy an EVP on Amazon for *under* $300!
Note, in particular, the product features:
- Operates as a Standard EVP Voice Recorder ( Real Time OFF )
- Operates as a Standard EVP Voice Recorder with Simultaneous Real Time Audio File Extraction (Playback is 1sec to 60sec)
- Operates in FM Frequency Sweep Mode with Multi Step Speed Adjustment
- Operates in FM Frequency Sweep & EVP Combination (Hybrid Mode) with Simultaneous Playback
- Inteli-queue Real Time Data Analysis, permits Audio and Sweep Frequency Historical Data review without stopping or Interfering with your recording session.
FM as in RADIO. FM as in you’re a FUCKING MORON if you bought this. Have you ever paused to think how many different frequencies of radio waves are traveling through the space you inhabit at this very second? Every radio station in town…all those frequencies are present at exactly the same time. And cell phones? They’re just little FM radios as well. Care to guess how many cell phone conversations are traveling by you right now? Have you ever really given any thought to the ENORMITY of information that’s passing right through you and by you during every second of your life?
Here’s another hypothesis, one that doesn’t include ghosts. Allow me to float the idea out there that – possibly – the crew responsible for bringing “Ghost Adventures” to our homes is – just maybe – broadcasting certain words and phrases on certain FM frequencies and that – perhaps – the non-crew people on the show aren’t in on this?
Wait, wait…that’s just crazy talk. Maybe it really is more likely that people are using digital voice recorders to carry on conversations with spirits of dead people. Yeah, that seems to make just perfect sense.
EVP – Voices of the Dead? A – No
EMF as in Electromagnetic Field, or, alternatively, Energy, Mother-Fucker!…Where’s it coming from? If your EMF requires batteries – and it does – just to detect EMF’s, then how much MORE energy does it take to *create* the EMF’s in the first place? And where the fuck do ghosts keep their batteries?
How does EMF work
Recently, a rash of television programming centered around paranormal investigation has made EMF a household word. Investigators believe that apparitions trying to manifest themselves omit tremendous amounts of electromagnetism which, they say, can be measured through the use of an EMF device. As of yet, there is nothing to substantiate this claim.
I’d like to reiterate that last part. As of yet, there’s NO FUCKING EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER to substantiate this claim. And speaking of no evidence, Zak (the host) said, rather matter-of-factly, “Spirits can disturb the geomagnetic field, and the EMF will detect this”
Really? How? How do spirits disturb the geomagnetic field? Precisely? In what manner? Because we know an awful goddamned lot about magnetism and EMF’s and we know what sorts of things would (or could) disturb the “geomagnetic field”, or any magnetic field for that matter, but what we don’t know ANYTHING about is “spirits”. What the fuck are they? What are they made of? HOW do they interract with the natural world? Let’s just take the absurd claim that they do at face value for a second. Assuming it’s true that ghosts exist and carry on conversations with the living, HOW IN THE FUCK DO THEY DO THIS??? What is the physical mechanism? And yes, since you credulous ghost hunters have GEAR, YOU obviously believe that these spirits are, in fact, interracting with your hardware. So how in the fuck do you propose that they’re doing that?
And WTF makes you think that you, with your little punk-ass, $300 digital voice recorder can detect these mysterious “spirits” while REAL scientists with billion-dollar-budgets have been unable to do so, yet they’ve been able to detect fucking NEUTRINO’s, which I assure you are far, Far, FAR more ghostly than anything else in the known universe? My sarcasm smacks your arrogance with an open-hand slap to the face.
And finally, the “PX”, which is so far up bullshit creek that there’s simply no point in trying to debunk it. You can’t debunk, bunk. The PX is bunk. Pure bunk. If you own one, you paid for bunk, and the manufacturer is laughing all the way to the bank. You’re a bunk punk. It’s nothing but junky bunk. If that puts you in a funk, just get it crunk.
I’d say I’m sorry to crash your party ghostbusters, but I’m not. For some reason, I’m just not inclined to suffer you fools with much sympathy.
Tell ya what though, if ya’ll wanna catch up with a little ghost, I know just how to do it:
*Note* I’m fairly certain that Zak (and the other Ghostbusters as well) don’t actually believe in ghosts, they’re just getting paid to do a job. I got the distinct sense that Zak was quietly mocking the entire thing, which is probably the only reason I could stomach watching it in the first place.