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February 15, 2011

The following is a public safety & service announcement.

You’re in your car about to go somewhere – doesn’t matter where – and just as you’re about to pull out into the lane you notice someone is approaching.  Your first thought is to step on the gas and get out ahead of them but something’s wrong; they’re moving too… fast?  You don’t wanna pull out in front of them and be “that” driver, so you hold your horses.  And hold.  And hold.  And hold.  And WTF!  Just a moment ago you couldn’t pull out because they were driving too fast, and now you can’t pull out because they’re too close.  You’re stuck!  You, my friend, have just been a victim of WrongSpeed®

Like you, I’ve been infrequently traumatized by this, but unlike you I chose to investigate it – to study it with clinical precision & mathematical rigor.  I shudder to recall all the frustration I had to endure to finally publish these findings, but I did it in the name of science, and for the betterment of humanity.  I did it – ultimately – for you.  You’re welcome.

WrongSpeed®, as it turns out, isn’t an arbitrary or relative number; it’s just as wrong for you as it is for me.  More accurately, WrongSpeed® is actually a range of wrong speeds: it starts at 25mph, and ends at 35mph.  Precisely.  Just like this post.

To give you and idea of why WrongSpeed® is wrong, and to better guage and specify its degree of wrongness, here are some comparisons that may be helpful.

A unicycle with a 36″ wheel can reach speeds up to 28mph.  If you’re in a car, and some dude on a unicycle can ride along next to you – maybe even pass you – you’re driving WrongSpeed®.

Turkey hits 25mph
If a turkey can run alongside you, you’re driving WrongSpeed®.  Fact.

Usain Bolt = 27.8mph
The fastest human footspeed on record is 27.79 mph, seen during a 100 metres sprint by Usain Bolt.

Granted, Usain Bolt is one fast dood.  But then again, if he can outrun you…and you’re driving a car…you’re driving WrongSpeed®.

Male Ejaculation = 28-43mph
“Ejaculate will leave his penis at roughly the same rate of travel as a city bus*, about 28 miles per hour. But can reach speeds of 43 miles per hour…”

If I can ejaculate faster* than you are driving, you should be beaten with a sack of onions.

*Clarification* Let’s get something straight between us: in case you might have made a premature interpretation, the speed I’m referring to here is not the “start to Finnish” speed, but rather the speed with which the ejaculate material leaves the penis.

Blue Whale = 30mph
Many of you may think the bigger it is the better slower it is, but that’s not always true. OK, to be fair, in many cases it is true, but despite their size, blue whales are extremely fast and can swim at up to30 miles per hour.  Think about that for a second: At 100+ feet in length and weighing over 180 tons, the Blue Whale is the largest animal that has EVER lived on this planet.  And if it can swim faster than you can drive, you are doing something wrong.  For Pete’s sake, even Hippos, which weigh in between 5,000 and 8,000lbs can reach speeds up to 31mph over short distances – quicker than the fastest human – and quicker than some people drive.  If that’s you, you should be embarrassed.

So there you have it folks; now you know what WrongSpeed® is and why you shouldn’t drive it.  Ever.  Violators will have to answer to Machine Gun Joe.

Live a little will ya?


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