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5 More Single-Malts Worth Trying

January 18, 2011

Liquor-snobs beware!

Every sum’bitch that has a negative comment about the single-malts referenced in this installment of “More reasons Scotch is cooler than Wine” can kiss my ass.  All you guys (and without any research whatsoever, I can predict with a 98.76% degree of accuracy that if you’re a liquor snob, you’re also a dude) just need to chill-the-f*@#-out and get over yourselves.  No, I haven’t tried the 69yr old, Glenfuck’n-in-the-attic Islay that Captain Pike strained through a Pirate flag before he single-handedly, knife-clenched-in-teeth, decimated the Klingon horde.  Yes, I get it that you think that because you have it makes you cool.  Let the record state that (1) it doesn’t, but that (2) I get it that you think it does.

Moving on…

Having reclaimed the moral high-ground from the ne’er-do-well liquor-snobs, I think it’s philosophically responsible – nay, required – that I point out the obvious: drinking Scotch is fuckin-A-cool, no matter which make & model you choose.  And I’ll even extend that graciousness all the way down to you scourge-of-humanity, blended-drinking-vermin.  (I’m lookin’ at YOU Tommy W.  You know who you are.)  So come all ye’ faithful and *** all you playful, it’s time to get down to the bizness at hand.

Glenmorangie  12

This scotch is better than porn.  In fact, it’s not only better than porn, it’s better than internet porn.  And considering that 192% of all internet traffic either originates from porn or is destined towards porn, that’s saying something.  My first impression upon drinking this Scotch was this: gratuitous image of giant phallic symbol erupting.  And yes, I do mean to imply that this UK booze is akin to drinking Led Zeppelin.  In fact, this Scotch is equivalent to the wah-wah peddle on Jimmy Page’s guitar in “Trampled Under Foot“.  Yeah, it’s that fucking good.

Aberlour 12

This Scotch is Rocky  IV in liquid form.  It’s Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” transmutated to booze.  It kicks ass.  And the bottle says you’re a man of class, sophisti-K-shun, and awesomeness.  There is absolutely no downside to this brown-bagger aside from the fact that all your buddies will feel inadequate and impotent in its presence.  As well they should.  Pussies.

Bowmore 12

Bowmore like “No More”.  This is everything you love about backyard grilling & steak distilled into an inhumanly good whisky.  It’s so good, you just have to watch this video.  Then after you do, set a steak on fire, drink the juice, and then rock out to “Kittens on the Web“.  Go on missy, let your hair down.

Bowmore Legend

This drink is liquid Spanish Fly.  Or as they say back in Oklahoma, “Spanish Fly“.  Seriously, this drink is the shiz.  It’s so good it’ll get you laid even if  you’re by yourself.  It’s “Jizz in your pants good!”  And we all know, it doesn’t get any better than that.


OK, it’s time to come clean.  There for a while I started to consider myself a “Scotch Connoisseur”  An “aficionado”.  An expert.  Well, that all changed when I lost my job, and I could no longer afford to choose the good whisky over my kids health insurance.  Instead, I had to choose the “bad” whisky over my kids health insurance.  And what I learned is, there’s no such thing as bad whisky!  Now, to be fair, it could just be me.  I don’t know if this test counts, but I did my best to eliminate any personal idiosyncrasies that may affect these results.  To test the sensitivity of my palate I asked my wife to help me conduct a blind taste-test in which the choices were (A) a top-shelf brand of single malt Scotch whisky, (b) McClellands, or (c) a mixture of goat-piss and gasoline.  I’ll be honest, I couldn’t tell the difference.  (Though I can’t tell  you how many times I could tell the goat-piss glass from the others on account of the fact that it was so warm, and it smelled like goat piss.)

Suffice to say that when it comes to Scotch, all is well.  In fact, I’m actually inclined to believe that simply placing the word “Scotch” on a product makes it better.

I’m getting Scotch tattooed on my crotch.  If ya’ know what I mean.

McClellands = Awesome!

And there you have it boys.  This is Pants signing off and as always, if you’re gonna drink, drink like a man.


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5 Responses to “ 5 More Single-Malts Worth Trying ”

  1. Joshua on January 18, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Which Glenmo 12yr is that? There are a few different finishes for their 12yr line. By the looks of it, it’s the older 12yr line…

  2. Tommy W. on January 18, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    I admit I am a blend guy. Johnnie Walker Black is my go-to scotch. A suicide at the quicky-mart consisting of Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and Diet Rite? Boom! Pad Thai with chicken AND shrimp? Count me in. My palate is less than deft, but blends are for the cool, no doubt.

  3. Marc on January 19, 2011 at 12:45 am

    Great write-up! Just FYI, The Glenmorangie 12 and Aberlour 12 are no longer bottled. Both of them have a 10yo expression that’s also very good and will cost slightly less. And they of course have several older expressions for when you’re kids are old enough to be on their own health insurance.

    Suggestions for other ‘entry’ level single malt Scotches worth trying that won’t break the bank: Glenlivet 12yo, Glenfiddich 12yo, Macallan 10yo Fine Oak, Laphraoig 10yo (if you like peat).

  4. anncine on January 19, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    “No, I haven’t tried the 69yr old, Glenfuck’n-in-the-attic Islay that Captain Pike strained through a Pirate flag before he single-handedly, knife-clenched-in-teeth, decimated the Klingon horde.”

    This made my day.

  5. BillV on January 28, 2011 at 12:46 am

    That was one of the most entertaining and well written scotch reviews that I’ve come across. I’m working through a Glenlivet 18 year old (that sounds very nasty and possibly illegal in some states, doesn’t it?) and it is pretty good, too. But, being of Scottish blood, I find that I like just about any of the single-malt versions, especially those that are mostly unpronounceable Gaelic names that are squeezed out through peat bogs and parts of the Stone of Destiny over the dead, decayed bodies of Englishmen slaughtered by Robert the Bruce and then soaked in an oaken barrel along with the underwear of Ewan MacGregor then filtered through Sean Connery’s old James Bond toupee. If that doesn’t put hair on your sporran and send a mighty wind up your bagpipes then I don’t know what will. Slanj, bitches!