5 More Single-Malts Worth Trying
Every sum’bitch that has a negative comment about the single-malts referenced in this installment of “More reasons Scotch is cooler than Wine” can kiss my ass. All you guys (and without any research whatsoever, I can predict with a 98.76% degree of accuracy that if you’re a liquor snob, you’re also a dude) just need to chill-the-f*@#-out and get over yourselves. No, I haven’t tried the 69yr old, Glenfuck’n-in-the-attic Islay that Captain Pike strained through a Pirate flag before he single-handedly, knife-clenched-in-teeth, decimated the Klingon horde. Yes, I get it that you think that because you have it makes you cool. Let the record state that (1) it doesn’t, but that (2) I get it that you think it does.
Having reclaimed the moral high-ground from the ne’er-do-well liquor-snobs, I think it’s philosophically responsible – nay, required – that I point out the obvious: drinking Scotch is fuckin-A-cool, no matter which make & model you choose. And I’ll even extend that graciousness all the way down to you scourge-of-humanity, blended-drinking-vermin. (I’m lookin’ at YOU Tommy W. You know who you are.) So come all ye’ faithful and *** all you playful, it’s time to get down to the bizness at hand.
This scotch is better than porn. In fact, it’s not only better than porn, it’s better than internet porn. And considering that 192% of all internet traffic either originates from porn or is destined towards porn, that’s saying something. My first impression upon drinking this Scotch was this: gratuitous image of giant phallic symbol erupting. And yes, I do mean to imply that this UK booze is akin to drinking Led Zeppelin. In fact, this Scotch is equivalent to the wah-wah peddle on Jimmy Page’s guitar in “Trampled Under Foot“. Yeah, it’s that fucking good.
This Scotch is Rocky IV in liquid form. It’s Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” transmutated to booze. It kicks ass. And the bottle says you’re a man of class, sophisti-K-shun, and awesomeness. There is absolutely no downside to this brown-bagger aside from the fact that all your buddies will feel inadequate and impotent in its presence. As well they should. Pussies.
Bowmore like “No More”. This is everything you love about backyard grilling & steak distilled into an inhumanly good whisky. It’s so good, you just have to watch this video. Then after you do, set a steak on fire, drink the juice, and then rock out to “Kittens on the Web“. Go on missy, let your hair down.
This drink is liquid Spanish Fly. Or as they say back in Oklahoma, “Spanish Fly“. Seriously, this drink is the shiz. It’s so good it’ll get you laid even if you’re by yourself. It’s “Jizz in your pants good!” And we all know, it doesn’t get any better than that.
OK, it’s time to come clean. There for a while I started to consider myself a “Scotch Connoisseur” An “aficionado”. An expert. Well, that all changed when I lost my job, and I could no longer afford to choose the good whisky over my kids health insurance. Instead, I had to choose the “bad” whisky over my kids health insurance. And what I learned is, there’s no such thing as bad whisky! Now, to be fair, it could just be me. I don’t know if this test counts, but I did my best to eliminate any personal idiosyncrasies that may affect these results. To test the sensitivity of my palate I asked my wife to help me conduct a blind taste-test in which the choices were (A) a top-shelf brand of single malt Scotch whisky, (b) McClellands, or (c) a mixture of goat-piss and gasoline. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t tell the difference. (Though I can’t tell you how many times I could tell the goat-piss glass from the others on account of the fact that it was so warm, and it smelled like goat piss.)
Suffice to say that when it comes to Scotch, all is well. In fact, I’m actually inclined to believe that simply placing the word “Scotch” on a product makes it better.
I’m getting Scotch tattooed on my crotch. If ya’ know what I mean.
McClellands = Awesome!
And there you have it boys. This is Pants signing off and as always, if you’re gonna drink, drink like a man.