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In The Tank (Thong)

January 5, 2011

Oh man.  Let’s hope that 2011 isn’t as awful as 2010, can we make a deal?  Can we shake on that?  My mantra of late has been along the lines of, ‘Well.  I don’t know.  I can’t see it getting…WORSE’ and that has been about as much optimism as I am capable of summoning at this point.

When my chips are down (I don’t actually know how to play poker, but I think that’s a euphemism for when things suck huge) I like to distract myself by looking at attractive things – like my sister’s sturdy bunny Edgar, or this movie, or this gorgeous website:  Hannah and Landon.  It was on such an occasion that I wandered over to Hannah and Landon – and Lo did my eyes ever burn.

Friends, I saw this American Apparel ad.  Look down a bit and to your left…the ASS…you can’t miss it.

What you see is an amusingly drawn advertisement for a very ugly, very sinister and extremely unflattering product.  The unlikelihood of finding such an item on a website dedicated to creating beautiful pieces of vintage-inspired lingerie is great, but there it is – staring us in right in the face with both cheeks.  A Tank Thong.  A TANK THONG.  Most of the women I know don’t want to draw excessive attention to their bums – let alone make them HILARIOUS.  Make no mistake Ladies, the Tank Thong is not your friend.  Tank Thong wants to make your bottom super conspicuous and will cut you in ways you can’t even imagine.  Tank Thong exists solely to embarrass the wearer.  Tank Thong craves your tears.  Tank Thong is laughing at you behind your behind.  Tank Thong takes everything that was beautiful between us and transmogrifies it into something awful.  Tank Thong is a Fun Destroyer.

Tank Thong HATES you.

Now – I’m an old, withered crone,  so I vividly recall when these be-thonged leotards were all the rage in our neighborhood Jazzercise class in 1988.  (For fun, you can click here to see it on an actual person - a lovely model in fact – and even with her comely attributes this thing looks like a nightmare).

This was an unfortunate a look then as I imagine it is presently, for even those with the most eviable figures would fare far better in something like say, THIS  —->

See?  PRETTY!  It could be just my personal aesthetic, but I can’t help but feel that the Tank Thong exists solely to mess with my skull and fill what remains of my brain with choking despair.  Far better to cleanse your visual palette with the pretties available at Birdies here in KC (where the lovely, knowledgeable staff can take one look at you and provide you with no shortage of stunning pieces that are flattering and fit beautifully.  TRUST).

Let us put the Tank Thong behind us (in a manner of speaking - not literally, obviously – I don’t want that hideous thing anywhere near me) turning the other cheek as it were and strive for a more beautiful future.


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3 Responses to “ In The Tank (Thong) ”

  1. MH on January 5, 2011 at 6:36 am

    I completely disagree- these look great on my wife and other women- who get this, are actually somewhat in SHAPE!! Wish women would start wearing these to the gym again- would make my workouts go much quicker.
    These also lengthen the look of a shorter womans legs, so they flatter in that way.

  2. Michelle on January 5, 2011 at 8:50 am

    You could be more wrong. I have 5 of these and they are awesome. My hubby loves them as well

  3. anncine on January 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Yes, I remember our jazzercize thong tards vividly….now, excuse me while I go look at my (good-looking) sturdy bunny, Edgar.