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Carbo-Loafing With ‘Say Yes To The Dress’

December 3, 2010
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After the turkey has been eaten and the Black Friday casualty list has come out-it is time to hole the fuck up in your house and stay in until 2011. Luckily, tis’ the season for an activity I like to call “Carbo-Loafing”.  It involves mindlessly stuffing lots of starchy, cheesy, sugary, buttery food into your face.

Go out? Get dressed? Wash hair? Fuck no. It is December. Bitches are sluggin’ each other over the newest Hannah Montana Sexbot; I am staying in these dirty sweatpants because it is safer in them.

This year, my Carbo-Loafing is being sponsored by TLC’s Say Yes To The Dress.  Go to NYC’s biggest wedding dress salon and get lost in the pressured, stupid frenzy. Say Yes is the perfect marathon show because it can be whatever you want it to be, depending on how glazed over your eyes are. So fluffy and light-you can watch them like a princess pops bonbons.

At first glance this is just a perfect “background show”. You look up occasionally while you wash the dishes, clean your gun, knit some mittens, etc. Bride after bride and dress after dress, it is just a teary fashion show.  To keep your interest, it throws you a jealous friend, whacko-mom, or an unusual bride (overweight, bound to a wheelchair, raging bitch, or determined to look like a ho on The Big Day). Sometimes the damned thing will get me a bit choked up if I haven’t taken a “sanity break” in a while.

Some friends and I started the first season on Sunday.  This post was supposed to be up Tuesday. It is 4:35 AM on Friday and I am on episode three of season five.

Yeah, that is right. BOOOM!! I don’t have to study for finals this year!

What makes this show a staple is the fact that with all of the light, airy, “Summers Eve” drama, I can still bitch at this show and be pissed.  I find myself saying,  “Bitch, you have parents paying and you can’t be pleased with a single goddamned thing? What makes you so special? Why does your family think you are worth that 12,000-dollar Pnina Tornai gown you have on? WHAT ABOUT ME???”

By the fifth season I have developed so many theories behind this show I should just enroll in graduate school already.

As a seasoned viewer, my most recent theory is that the bridal consultants are really just social workers in a shiny, magical, utopia.  Think about it. They get to have difficult conversations that end in “Mom, your daughter likes the over-budget dress that you hate.” rather than  “Mom, we are going to remove the kids from the home.” Talking tulle rather than time served, it is a simple swap.  I don’t know anything about fashion but I bet I could sell the shit out of those dresses. Randy, I am gunning for your job.  You may know price points and mermaid cuts, but I know family dynamics and reclaiming autonomy.  I got this.

But on the other hand I am also looking at the women trying these dresses on thinking things like “Whoa-everyone’s hair is so smooth and shiny!” and “Jesus, what nice smooth armpits these ladies have.” I am sure my pink Lady Bic is smacking her rusty little forehead right now and sobbing.  She is just going to have to stand idle a while longer. I have almost a whole season to finish, a giant bin of caramel popcorn to house and no laundry day in sight.  Randy, Keasha, Audrey, and the rest of the Kleinfeld’s Staff-I say yes to you and the way I am currently dressed.

In these coming winter weeks, I encourage you to slow down, slip into something with an elastic waist, let the hair go a bit too long and refuel with some hydrogenated oils.  Watch the freaked out girls on “Say Yes” get cinched up and prodded.  Clear the next eight hours on your schedule and enjoy the Carbo-Loafing season.

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3 Responses to “ Carbo-Loafing With ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ ”

  1. anncine on December 3, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    “Whoa-everyone’s hair is so smooth and shiny!” and “Jesus, what nice smooth armpits these ladies have.” These thoughts often occur to me as well while watching….then I think of the absolute violent rage that I go into if someone so much as looks in the general direction of my armpits. Well done, my friend :)

  2. Ara on December 4, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Carbo-loafing . . . thank god there’s a name for this art form which I have practiced so assiduously over the years. Grasshopper, you do your big sista proud!

  3. FlavaMom on December 5, 2010 at 9:25 am

    Flava Mom, Three Time Winner in the done with weddings dept., says take the money and run. That nice dress will buy you three fab weeks a-w-a-y.

    I think the psychotherapist’s couch should be set up right there in the dressing room.

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