Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Season’s Greetings. Deal With It.
Yes, the holiday season is upon us once again and I love, love, love it! It is the time of year that I enjoy the very most because it encompasses every single thing that I am truly passionate about in this world (shopping, people, holiday-themed clothing, lines, Christmas music, awkward family gatherings, weeping, fruit cakes, anxiety attacks, bum loafs, interventions) and I can’t get enough of it! OK, enough of that crap. I am going to level with you–I am not a fan of the holiday season and truthfully, just scarcely pull through year after year. The good news is that I have developed a number of holiday survival tips that prevent me from taking my own life and/or attempting any moderate to major self-mutilation and I would be happy to share them with you!
First of all, I just ignore that it is happening for as long as possible. This can be accomplished a number of ways–depending on your comfort level and commitment. I suggest simply blurting out a stern “No” (much like when disciplining an animal and senior prom night) anytime holiday inquiries and conversations arise. For example, let’s say Bob approaches you and comments on the cold weather or shopping or presents or your uncle’s drinking problem, you simply snap, “No” (For best results, try to cut him off mid sentence if possible and immediately begin whistling). If this fails you should steer the conversation in a drastically different direction like cancer or a box of dead kittens (For best results, turn and run away while audibly sobbing).
Sadly, the ignoring technique can only go so far before you will need to proceed with part two of the survival plan: Vodka. loads of it. Float yourself on a sea of mind-numbing booze straight through the holiday season. You will feel no pain in a blissful state of liquid oblivion and no one (except for your family, your friends, your boss, your neighbors, casual acquaintances, dogs…) will be the wiser. I suggest making something milky, like a White Russian and while your at it–throw some nutmeg on that shit–make it festive! And hey, after about five or six of them, you may even be inspired to drag yourself up off of the floor and finally get around to setting up the goddamn Christmas Corner (To set up your very own goddamn Christmas Corner you will need: One tulle-balls tree, one stolen ‘Happy Birthday Jesus’ sign, one family photo with a drunk, sketchy Santa, one angry bunny).
My final tip will make all your holiday gift shopping a breeze (I recommend that you sober-up for this one though–unless you are planning to do some online shopping and do not mind ending up with eighty-two Mr. Steamy Dryer Balls and four cases of Cockburn’s Fine Ruby Port). All you need to do is think of one gift that everyone needs and will love like a turtle neck or a sweater or a pair of towel shorts (with functional pockets) or a large exotic pet or a handsome portrait of yourself and buy one for everyone. Done. I do hope that these tips will make your holiday experience a bit more tolerable or at the very least, less sober. Cheers!
I am attaching Metronomy performing “Holiday” (I know the song is about a different kind of holiday, but you get the idea so just enjoy it).