Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Apartment/Loft/House-Hunting Tips
Now, I am no expert when it comes to finding really great places to live, but I have found several (not great at all depressing/ scary/exceptionally overpriced/really small) places to live over the years–and in record time–so I would like to share what I know with you today. I have currently been looking for lofts to rent with my charming (soon to be live-in) companion and have decided that it is in both of our best interest that I go completely against all of my natural instincts when deciding if a place is right for us (and in matters of directions, logic, reason, math and dancing) in order to achieve the most positive results ( find a place that does not devourer my soul and every ounce of hope and happiness in my life, but also allows bunnies.)
Let’s get started, shall we? First of all, it is never a good idea to blindly rush into something. I know it is tough to resist just jumping right into the very first place you see–especially when you really want to move out as soon as possible because you made the bonehead decision to move in with a guy that you had no business living with in the first place and felt like such an idiot when you finally (after two days, three hours and eight minutes) could not take it anymore and had to get out of there and decided that you should offer him some sort of parting gift like the giant fancy TV that you had just purchased because he really wanted one to always watch football on when you would have been perfectly happy with a small not fancy TV to never watch football on.
My second recommendation is not to settle for anything that does not meet your specific requirements and needs (no matter how weird they are. I just need them. OK, quit looking at me.) I mean, haven’t we all fallen into the old “Oh, I know I really wanted a place with two bathrooms, a nice balcony and wooden floors, but hey, I’ll take this this place with one bathroom-ish and a floor- sort of because I really don’t want to hurt the landlord’s feelings…I mean, he has the crazy eyes and a gimp leg and has probably murdered people (today) for much less…I just want him to like me” thing once or twice? This brings me to my next point. If you have a bad feeling about a person (neighbors, landlords, that strange guy wearing a suit and an eye patch, randomly yelling “Nutmeg”), you are probably spot-on and should get the hell out of Dodge. If you are worried about the sketchy landlord person hunting you down and gutting you like an animal, I suggest wearing a false mustache as a fool-proof disguise. It is an even better idea to double up with an additional mustache in case they become suspicious and choose to rip off the first mustache in question. Won’t they look the fool when they find a second one underneath.
Hopefully these helpful tips will be of some use to you either now or in your future endeavors. I have already put some of these newly observed practices to work during a recent loft-showing. After entering the space, I immediately felt a horrible rush of anxiety and depression that made me want to barf and jump out the window (had there been one.) The landlord was then kind enough to share with us that the previous tenant had been “In a freak accident” right outside while walking her dog involving a car backing over her, breaking her leg, and killing her dog. “She moved because she wanted a yard.” We then stepped outside of the building and were immediately hit up for dough by a nice (belligerent/stinky) couple on the sidewalk and over heard a gentlemen (with visible face wounds) say, “Well, the first time I was shot…” We have decided to take our mustaches keep looking.
I am attaching “Space For Rent” by Who Made Who for you to enjoy. Happy hunting!