The Situation’s Best “Lifestyle” Tips
That’s it. I can’t hold my silence any longer. I’ve tried to ignore the fame-whore/possibly mentally challenged bag of douche who calls himself ‘The Situation,’ but every day I read another inane comment he has made. Ladies, please explain his appeal. He is narcissistic, chauvinistic, and delusional. I know people love him, but I really want an explanation.
Good bodies are a dime a dozen at any local gym, so what’s the deal? How can you possibly admire someone who has actually made the following statements? Yet this guy laughs his way to the bank. He’ll make over $5 million this year alone. I weep for humanity.
Incidentally, isn’t that the most ridiculous magazine cover ever? My immediate thought was that he was channeling Joey Lawrence back from his Blossom days, when his go-to catch phrase was “Whoa!” Of course, anyone who likes this guy is too young to know what I am talking about.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has just come out with a new book entitled, Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting Your GTL on the Jersey Shore. Most of the following comments were culled from that little literary masterpiece.
“Before any chick gets into my bed I make her slide into a 200-degree Jacuzzi to sterilize any microbial bacteria that might endanger my health.” (On how to avoid colds.) [NY Post]
“Now, chicks may object that bros simply look at them as creeping targets. But chicks like being crept on. Sure, they’ll tell you that they go to clubs simply to dance and have fun with friends. But take it from the Sitch, single people are at the club for one reason and one reason only: to not be single anymore. Even if it’s just for that night.” (Why women like to be “creeped” on and/or harassed.) [Buddy TV]
“God grant me the stamina to satisfy hot chicks, the courage to deny grenades, and the wisdom to know the difference.” (Mantra to be uttered while training.) [NY Post]
“The best sex is often with a grenade — because she’s so grateful.”(On having sex with an ugly/fat girl.) [NY Post]
“Nine out of ten times, the grenade is a grenade because she’s ugly and fat. SHe’s mad at you and at life because everyone is more interested in her hot friend. (On rare occasions, a cute girl can slide into grenade status because of a horribly bitchy personality, or for being obsessive and possessive about the guy she wants to be with.” (Explaining what makes a girl a grenade.) [Washington Post]
“No matter what T-shirt you select, whether it’s fitted, graphic, sequined, bedazzled, crew-neck, deep-V, wifebeater, or what-have-you, it’s about being proud of who you are. If you want to bust out a deep-V that’s safety-cone orange because you think that’s your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do. Set the trends, don’t follow them.” (Fashion advice.) [Jezebel]
The following two quotes are not from his book, just things he spouted off in an everday conversation.
“I do want to settle down some day, I mean, but if a girl don’t cook, what’s the point. It’s definitely a lost art.” [Houston Press]
“You use Twitter? Twitter is getting huge, man.” [Houston Press]
Here is a video of poor Al Roker interviewing The Situation for the Today Show. Guess Roker drew the short stick in the morning huddle that day.