Dear Food Network: A Word?
While I have been a fan of the Food Network since my first viewing of “Emeril Live!” (Yes, I participated all of that “BAM” nonsense), it has recently been tedious to watch. I have some great tips for improving the channel, so I hope the execs are reading this.
Ina Garten of “Barefoot Contessa”
Wonderful recipes coupled with an annoying, pretentious show. I just love it when she tells me to ask my “Fishmonger” to cut the fillets a certain way, like Randy at the Price-Cutter knows what I am talking about. I would be lucky to be pointed in the correct direction of the fish-sticks, let alone have my oysters shucked and cleaned or whatever.
Ina, I know that you aren’t really “surprising Jeffery” with a “fabulous” winter dinner. You are filming a show. Don’t insult me. I know better. I also can’t suspend my disbelief when it comes to your friends and their specific “Hamptons” skills (mushroom picking, flower arranging, pillow fluffing) popping in to say “Hey, I love the new Barn Kitchen, where can I put this simple 200 dollar flower arrangement I just happened to stop by with?” Please. Give this shit up Ina, because I just want to slobber over how much butter I saw go into those brownies.
“Down Home with the Neely’s”
When I watch, I don’t feel like I am “down home”. I feel irritated. No one I know is that happy. I won’t be surprised when you both mutate over the potato salad that has taken years to make because y’all can’t stop pillow talkin’.
Gina Neely, congratulations! You may have the most annoying voice on television. It makes me a little crazy. You should just try not talking through your nose or pretending to be a man and lowering that shit down an octave. I don’t want to see you two sautéing onions while groping one another. I certiantly don’t want either of you to gush over how well your spouse does every-little-step… “WOW Daddy! Mmmm, you know just how I like that avocado mashed up! Thank you sugar, that is so GOOD!” If you two were so in love, you wouldn’t try so hard. So stop it. Just stop.
Giada de Laurentiis of “Giada at Home”
Giada, your notes mostly reflect the fact that your head, teeth, and hands are GIANT in proportion to your svelte body (bitch). Don’t stress, I know that isn’t your fault. Here is what ya need to do… Tone down that accent while naming foods from Italy. You are Italian. I get it. I believed it the first time I saw your name. You can, in fact, say “Mascarpone” instead of “Mawwscaaaarpouuuwneeee” and you will be left with just as much Italian street cred as you had before. Give it a whirl.
Rachael Ray of “30 Minute Meals”
Just. Shut. UP. I don’t need to hear every combination of words you can string together. I will give you “EVOO” because for some reason, America fucking loves it, but the rest are questionable. I am so pleased to hear that salami is your “A-Number 1-Snacker” but I am not a four year old, I am a junior adult wishes to be addressed like one. Another example would be “Stewp”- “Today we are going to make something a little lighter than a stew and thicker than a soup- I call it STEWP!” Yes, I saw what you did there; you combined two words and are feeling pretty clever. Enough. Not cute.
I see through all of your ploys. The precarious stack of ingredients you get from your fridge as you explain the meal and grunt under the self-imposed awkwardness of the load. I know you think that adds to the “This is my house! I’m just like you!” message, but I know better. What I know is that you need to quit the yappin’ and the hand gesturin’ long enough for me to see what the hell you are making. As a final dash of seasoning, I must say frustrations arise when every-little-bit-of-food has the words “nice” or “beautiful” attached to it. I know the drill, you have to gussy things up somehow, but take it easy. I know the benefits of crusty bread dipped in savory liquids or whatever you happen to be selling’.