8 Badass Utterly-Last-Minute-Out-the-Door-Already-Running-a-Half-Hour-Late Halloween Costumes
If you’re like me (i.e. lazy and cheap), you love everything about Halloween (parties! free booze!) except coming up with a damn costume. Unlike many people, I can’t bring myself to plunk down $30-$100 for some glitzy patch of fabric I’m going to wear only once (insert wedding-dress crack…here). And yet, like most people, I prefer putting things off to the absolute last minute (“Nat, Nat I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the earth!” “Hold on a sec, I’m just trying to guess all the countries that have more than one ‘U’ on ‘Sporcle’”).
So, if you likewise plan on waiting ’til the last minute to throw together a Halloween costume but don’t want everyone booing you (in the bad way), here’s some ideas that can be thrown together with stuff around the house and in the amount of time it takes to complete the average Sporcle quiz (which saves more time for the liquor store, in which case no one will give a $#!+ what you’re supposed to be).
Examples: George C. Scott, Katharine Hepburn, Gregory Peck, etc.
Equipment: The costume can be practically anything, the only task is for you to stay in character the whole night, so you should probably choose an actor who has a noticeable trait. For example, if you’re George C. Scott, I recommend adopting a chronic grunt and talking to everyone as if you’ve never forgiven them for sleeping with your wife. Or for Peck and Hepburn, just randomly punch/slap a fellow partygoer.
Pros: You get to hit people and claim, “It’s all part of the costume.”
Cons: You’ll probably get rolled. And never see those friends again.
Equipment: Hawaiian shirt, jeans, mustache.
Pros: If you’re a hairy guy, this is your moment to shine; if you’re a girl, the more buttons you leave open, the better the costume gets. Plus, if you get really wasted, you instantly become Nick Nolte.
Cons: It’s more outdated than dressing up like Heath Ledger’s Joker but much less creepy if you’re doing it in 2010.
Larry David/Jeff Garlin
Equipment: For Larry, you need to rock the classic Larry David attire: beize slacks, sneakers, blue v-neck, and a blazer. Don’t forget the specs. Jeff can be pretty much anything. To minimize lameness, I recommend enlisting a friend to play the other so it won’t look too rushed.
Pros: For Larry, you get a free pass for telling basically everyone else what you really think of them (“I wasn’t making fun of your abortion—it’s a costume! A costume!”); for Jeff, you get to enjoy a “Scream-Curses-at-the-Top-of-Your-Lungs” card all night.
Cons: If it’s two guys, everyone will be wondering if you’re a couple (this is a Pro if it’s two girls).
Equipment: dark coat and tie, butcher knife (which you can borrow), red facepaint (which you can also borrow), knife.
Pros: Not too difficult to pull off well so long as you stare at everyone contemptuously and can do the voice, plus, if anyone complains, you’ve got a knife.
Cons: To really get the full effect, it helps to have a blood (real or otherwise) drenched, clear, plastic rain slicker, but, again, you have a knife.
Examples: Quarter-Roy (dress all in courteroy and, for added effect, tape quarters to your clothes); Racketeer (strap two tennis racquets to your back—Hat Tip to Uncle Keith).
Equipment: Whatever your imagination desires. This costume has the advantage that you can pretty much throw anything together, and, as long as you come up with a decent-enough name, it’s all good.
Pros: Limited only by your creativity.
Cons: Limited only by your creativity.
Equipment: white collared shirt, red sweater, blue jeans.
Pro: The costume’s not limited by race, creed, and/or weight—even if you’re thin and white, you can pass yourself off as Michael Jackson’s Fat Albert.
Cons: This costume is pretty much only awesome if you are trying to pass yourself off as Michael Jackson’s Fat Albert.
Equipment: red shirt with black stripes, black shorts, and some hair gel; stuffed tiger optional.
Pros: All the guys’ll be jealous because they didn’t think of it, and, if you do get ahold of a stuffed tiger, all the girls’ll be patting your back and saying, “Great costume!” all night. Plus, whenever anyone snaps your picture, you have free reign to pull down your pants and start urinating on something! And finally, you have a great pickup line in, “Wanna go back to my place and play (or play with) some Calvinball(s)?”
Cons: If that line actually works and you do get laid, that’s very, very disturbing.
Equipment: Yeah, you could go the easy way out and just dress up as Mr. Rogers with a banana in his ear and underpants on his head, but we all know there’s only one way to do this: large diaper (which doesn’t necessarily have to be an actual diaper, just a towel and a safety pin works), and a bedsheet/pillow cover for the sash (the glasses you can just borrow/steal from another partygoer).
Pros: Speed: You only need to grab a handful of items as you’re out the door, and if you don’t have them lying around the house, you have more problems than trying to come up with a Halloween costume.
Cons: It might be a bit chilly, but hell, for anyone who grew up in the ‘90s, this’ll bring the house down.
Now, who wants to boogie with Baby ’37?