Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Very Useful Hostess Tips
If there is one thing that I know nearly nothing about, it’s entertaining guests (that–and showing appropriate human emotions at the proper and corresponding times.) However, that will not stop me from sharing what I do know (maybe “know” is not the right word…more like what I inflict upon unsuspecting visitors if they happen to enter my barren abode) with you now. First of all, I know that my place is not suitably equipped for entertaining (unless your idea of entertainment is sitting on the floor with me and staring at each other while you quietly judge the ridiculously inadequate size of my television and my bunny’s strange molting habits–he does it wrong.)–so I never invite anyone over.
Of course, that being said, there are the rare occasions that a guest or two slide in somehow and I must pull out my minimal to nonexistent hostess skills. I firmly believe that alcoholic drinks should be served immediately and at a fast and steady pace. This will help everyone to be more relaxed and fun (Warning: The fun can turn into not fun if a guest vomits and/or passes out and you have to drag their limp, heavy, most likely covered in their own sick, body into your hallway because there is no way in hell that they are staying the night)–it will also lesson the blow when I offer them a seat on the floor and break the news that my refrigerator is no longer working so I have been chilling their drinks on the balcony (works best in the late fall/ winter months) and will not be serving any perishable foods, but there will be a very attractive nut mix.
Do to the fact that I have limited (zero) seating, I highly encourage standing and/or dancing around and making cocktail faces. Cocktail faces are best made by arching one eye brow while smiling seductively (works best in the early spring/summer months.) For best results, I recommend practicing your cocktail faces (ideally, alone) for a couple of hours in the mirror. I find that playing some (preferably French 1960′s) music best fosters this face-making-dance situation. The musical distraction also helps to eliminate my having to resort to my exceptionally small television as a source of beguilement– offering everyone “a tiny Gilmore Girls screening” or something.
If by chance, the efforts to keep the guests upright is failing, I advise bringing in the air mattress from the spare bedroom into the living room as an additional seating option (though it should be noted that this choice of seating could promote becoming overly and uncomfortably familiar with others or, at the very least, make everyone really sleepy.) I strongly suggest only using an air bed as a last resort, however, because it takes up quite a bit of already sparse dance space for those guests who are not being giant lazy uncooperative babies. If the guests are starting to get that “I am bored and hungry and want to sit on an actual chair–this blows” look about them, I usually employ a little bunny amusement (works best in the late summer/fall months) to take the edge off.
First, you will need a bunny. Next, you will need to invite all of your guests to lie face-down on the floor (this is a win/win move because the whiny tired people can have a little rest–plus my bunny is most comfortable with the “everybody down on the ground, now!” scenario.) Once everyone is on the floor, you can then release the bunny (or bunnies depending on how many you have) so that the bunny can hop onto your guests’ bottoms and clean his paws and do that cute little rub his bunny face thing. Oh, they will love it and they may even get to witness the bunny doing binky’s (spazy bunny jumps) and knocking down some of the framed photos that are propped up on the floor because you don’t have any shelves or tables or dignity or will to live.
Now that the cocktail face, music and bunny portion of the evening has drawn to a close, it is time for my favorite part of entertaining–everybody out. This can be a difficult segue and one that must be handled in a delicate, yet straight to the point manner. Personally, I like to use a nice closing statement to indicate that it is time for us all to part ways. I generally like to quote one of my favorite authors, David Foster Wallace and abruptly blurt out, “I want to terminate the conversation and have you not be in my apartment anymore.”
I am attaching a classic and very appropriate cocktail-face making song for you to enjoy. Francoise Hardy singing, “Tous Les Garcons et Filles”