Pancake’s Guide to Awesome – But Minimal – Halloween Costumes
I can’t believe Halloween is almost here. I am woefully behind on my horror film watching and candy eating – there is so much left to do and I have less than a week to do it. I had high hopes this year for my own costume, but with the Blessed Holiday nearly upon us, I doubt that I will be able to scramble something together in time. Perhaps you are in the same boat? If you are, I am here to help – if I were less lazy, or a dude, I would be proud to dress up as any of the following individuals. For the sake of brevity and consistency, I selected costumes that could be made from things one probably already owns or which are at least inexpensive to acquire. If you decide to take my suggestions, please feel free to submit the resulting photos! Happy Halloween!!
This is a really good costume if you happen to have a full beard (and if not, start growing it RIGHT NOW and you should be in good shape for next year…). The beauty of it lies in it’s simplicity, the beard is the centerpiece of this costume – without it, you’re just a guy with a parka, some dynamite and a flame-thrower – but all those other items are easy enough to come by. In fact, if you have the full beard already, I would wager that you probably own the parka, dynamite and flame-thrower – so you won’t have to spend any money! Thrifty and awesome. To get into character, you don’t even have to say much – just eye everyone you encounter suspiciously and don’t be timid about tying your friends to a chair if things seem off…
Again, we have a costume that can quickly be assembled from everyday items without having to purchase new props or clothing. All you have to do is avoid washing your hair for about a week (maybe more?) put on a thick turtleneck sweater, a dumpy flannel button down, an enormous grandpa sweater and top the look off with a kitchen knife and expression of wide-eyed terror. Enter the room whimpering shrilly, brandishing your knife and swishing it this way and that and voila! WENDY TORRENCE.
For Judge Judy, one only needs a kicky, “mom” haircut, a black robe (graduation gowns, beautician’s capes and garbage bags are all appropriate substitutes) and a Peter-Pan collar fashioned out of doilies. To get into character, you mustn’t suffer fools, take smart-alecky guff or tolerate bologna. Make people address you as, ‘Your Honor’ and be sure to make them spit out their gum before they speak to you. FUN!
Now this is a good one. All you need is a white, chef’s jacket, a white apron and a pained expression of disgust with humanity. Embrace yelling things like, “IT’S RAAAAAAAAAAW!”, ”YOU COULD KILL SOMEBODY, YOU STUPID DONKEY!” and pepper every phrase liberally with an aggressive ”FUCK!”. If you happen to be attending a party where food is served, you shouldn’t miss an opportunity to dramatically throw food in the garbage can in front of your host (while yelling the phrases I mentioned earlier). For the very bold among you, I suggest making loud, retching noises in the bathroom after eating. Ramsay doesn’t vomit on camera very often (in fact, it is always off camera, but with the mic left on), but when he does…IT IS MAGICAL.
For all of you especially handsome fellas out there, you should be able to phone this one in. Just wear what you normally would (plaid shirt, jeans, mussed hair). Don’t bother shaving and accessorize with dorky glasses (optional, as he only wore them in the film for about two minutes), a shotgun and a jet-ski. (Then call me).