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Bless This Mess

October 20, 2010
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When you walk into my apartment- a few things are obvious.

I think area rugs are meant to be spilled on/ashed on (happens). I have fabulous style hidden by giant piles of crap. I live with myself, so I don’t mind any of my lazy tendencies or juvenile eating habits.

When the house key hits the lock, I pantomime a natural disaster. I enter, kicking up hair and dust while I fling around shoes, pens, receipts and empty food containers. This is why my keys are on my bathroom sink and a half packed suitcase (going nowhere) is in my kitchen. This is why I look for a hammer for 40 minutes, only to find it in my cupboard next to some stale Fritos (success!)

In addition to the mess, my house is uncomfortable to most. I like my house to be cold enough to goose pimple the shit out of anyone’s skin, including mine. Turn the A/C down? Hell naw. I just grab one of those four blankets on the floor…

Oh, and there is the smell; cigarettes, bad candles, last night’s dinner (wrappers), icky spill/mess of the week (what broken bottle of vinegar?). The nose and bouquet just read, “Dumb twenty-something quits giving a shit”.

Why? Well, living alone is a double- edged sword. It is a “Judgment Free Zone”. It offers one the personal challenge of knowing, even pushing through, “The Filth Threshold”. Once you start asking questions like “Who will care? and “Who is gonna know?” you pass the first step in training. My stamina and endurance have hit all time records as of late.

It is when the smell hits me that I do something about the squalor I have come accustomed to. I realize judgment can be a beautiful and motivating thing. I sit and imagine people who will judge me popping in just to say “hey” and if that doesn’t work I imagine myself on “Hoarders” or just getting evicted. It is through the fear of judgment (whoa-positive!). Then, the possibility of rodents or raccoons seems way more serious than it did originally.

Seven bags of trash later, I see my clean apartment and forget my filthy past. I decide a lovely dinner should be prepared in celebration. Once I assemble all the ingredients BOOM-cycle starts again. Ya’ll know how it ends.

Sometimes sloth has its advantages and you solve your own problems.

Hate ice trays? Me too! I spill half the water out on the way to the freezer. I cannot ever get a smooth release once frozen. I won’t refill until there is nothing left…

Hint From Gwynne

Just make my famous Cup-Ice!

*Fill three cups 1/3 full of water (want more or less? GO CRAZY!)

* Put three cups into freezer.

*Wait.

*Remove frozen cup

*Fill with beverage (more water? soda-pop?)

*Enjoy! Unlike those wimpy ice cubes, one serving of cup-ice can last for many refills. Save the other two cups for later!

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4 Responses to “ Bless This Mess ”

  1. anncine on October 20, 2010 at 8:35 am

    I too live alone (save for my bunny-who can be quite judgmental). My brother once told me that it looks like a 17 yr old boy with a moderate drug problem lives here.

  2. Laura on October 20, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    I myself have actually been denied entry into your humble abode on an occasion or two. If I remember correctly, there was a lot of fast moving, some sort of mumble about being sick lately and an “I’ll call you tomorrow, we’ll grab a beer.” Ahhh, how I do love the front porch, blockading my door so you can’t see into my messy apartment, conversations. We’ve all been there. Way to put it into words, Gwynne.

  3. FlavaMom on October 20, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Thanks for the recipe!

  4. colleenie on October 20, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    WHAT! Your place was sooo cute …when you first moved in…ohwellwhatevernevermind.

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