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Skeeter Bites: 5 things required to survive the zombie uprising…

October 4, 2010
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As most uber-nerds know, December 12th, 2012 marks the day when the world will irrevocably change and fall under siege. There will be no more wars against terrorists, no concern with the economy, and most importantly, if the Gods smile upon us, Lohan and Hilton will be names we celebrate as they fade into oblivion. We will all be under attack by one of the most ferocious, unstoppable enemies we have ever faced. Zombies.

Let us not kid one another. Many of the people you know and love will become part of the army of these ungodly brain-munchers. They will no longer be referred to as Suzie, Mickey, or your creepy Uncle Ron (who wears sweatpants to every family reunion). They are out for flesh, and if you aren’t careful and fail to heed the warning being provided, you too will fall prey to being a lunch buffet for a swarm of the walking dead.

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Find a crowbar. On a Saturday trip to the local Home Depot, while shopping for your lawn mulch and random items your wife selects to “vagify” your home, duck quickly into the big tool section. You might not realize the benefits of having such a weapon in your repertoire, but you will soon thank me. Need to pry open a door to evade becoming a happy meal? Want to bludgeon an oncoming meat-pinata with a penchant for gray matter? The crowbar becomes your best friend as you pulverize through the oncoming horde of zombies and then evade them by popping a lock on the local 7 Eleven.

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WalMart. Not just any ol’ Wally World will do there Skippy. You have to find a WalMart SuperCenter. Why you ask? Because the SuperCenter version of this capitalist juggernaut carries a full variety of Pop Tarts, Mini Wheats and 47 different varieties of Goya (provided of course that you frequent the SuperCenter located within a largely Hispanic neighborhood.) As a double bonus for barricading your still-alive selves in this Mecca of heathen goodness, you have an almost limitless supply of ammunition and hunting rifles should you choose to saunter your way to the sporting goods section of the store. “No seven-day waiting period here, Little Johnny. Now you go out there and turn that zombies head into canoe, you lil’ scamp you!” (Author’s note: For those lonely nights [if you have failed to discover other survivors], the endless number of Hannah Montana calendars will suffice to give you an all-so-familiar warm and cozy feeling.)

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Guns. Lots and lots of guns. The more you have, the better your chances. If a zombie doesn’t get within arm’s reach, they can’t bite you. Well, there’s that and if you put a bullet through their face with a high-powered sniper rifle, they have no teeth left to munch on you with.

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King James Edition Bible. Many of you right this second are wondering why I of all people chose to include this in your survival kit. The answer is quite simple… it’s a great collection of fictional tales that you can read around your campfire of Justin Beiber CDs to entertain your fellow shut-ins as they “ohh and ahh” at the sight of his smug pre-pubescent face igniting in the ohh-soo-warming fire. (Phew… now that I got THAT out.) Did I forget to mention that checking in at over 38 pounds makes it a formidable weapon if you are in scarce supply of ammo and require a weapon of mass destruction?

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At least one, if not two, fat kids. The old joke goes… “Two guys are in the woods and they stumble upon a mother bear who rears up and growls protecting her cubs. The skinnier man turns to the larger man and says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!” With that, the skinnier man dashes out in a contrail of dust and preserved dreams. The husky gentleman is not so lucky.

The same principles apply if you are outrunning bears or zombies. You don’t have to be faster than them… just faster than your slowest travelling companion. This theory has been known to backfire though in the past. Don’t act suspicious by luring a skinnier fellow into the warmth of your familial bosom, only to try to fatten him up for a later takedown. This part of the plan is fool-proof if enacted correctly. You don’t need to spend the time fattening someone up for the slaughter… simply go to any mid-American public school and pick out a few fattie-snacks. Be sure to befriend them now… you don’t want to be without your very own fattie when the zombies come a’ knockin’!

(If you can find a fat kid carrying an ice cream bar, not only will he be eaten, but you can take his ice cream bar. Double score.)

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You don’t have to be Pythagoras to do the math. You + This List = Self Preservation – Friends.

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