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Voodoo Dating: If You’re Going To Wallow, Wallow In This

September 17, 2010
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Masterpiece Theater

In the past month I’ve been holiday-ing over to The Great Lakes State, I’ve experienced a sauce pile of drama. Mid-West drama is often very over-the-top (Really?!) and somewhat entertaining if you happen to have moved across the Country and are no longer directly involved. This doesn’t mean to imply I’m lacking in sympathy for the victims of various vices and lustings. Rather, my dramatic King & Queen pals reminded me of my own band-aids & ointments when things were going South in the Theatre.

One of my best cures for depression, breaking up, weight gain, stupidity, misplacing my Beta fish, etc. is The Young & the Restless. I endorse Y&R because no matter what a paramounted idiot I feel like there is ALWAYS someone on Y&R to make me seem like Steven Hawking and look like Traci Lords.

Also, having a pet does wonders when you really don’t want to get out of bed. (That is, if you enjoy pets-if not, replace the previous sentence’s ‘pet’ with child or heroine addiction.) I got dumped hard a couple of years ago and getting out of bed, along with breathing, were options I honestly didn’t felt like exploring. However, I had a Wic E. Cat who needed to be fed, watered, and reminded that I cared for her more than I cared for my own misery. I certainly agree it’s good to wallow, but pets are wonderful creatures who need you out of bed and exhaling. After all, that bag o’ treats ain’t gonna un-Ziplock itself, yo.

In addition to this, Def Leppard is like some kind of deus ex machina for depression. My favourite band has it all-ballads or hard rock; the Sheffield swingers offer ‘everything you see here’. In fact, the answers to most of life’s battles/wrong-doings/calorie questions can be found within Run Riot.

Pass or No Pass is a swell game to play when you’re thinking about retaliation after a break up. It’s a mean-spirited game, so I wouldn’t really play unless your ex was a colossal poopy-face. One you’re ready to do away with the ex’s stuffings, retrieve all written notes, cards, etc. and rustle up a red pen. Using said pen, correct all spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and improper paragraph indentations with the intention of returning the ex’s revaluated papers to them. (In order to achieve maximum jerkiness, you can play Pass or No Pass with another editor-so you don’t miss anything that would make yourself look stupid.)

Perhaps the most effective of all my wallowing methods is The Dramatic Reading. If you are to the point where things are not going anywhere near your desired way, this is the act for you! What’s truly fulfilling, is that The Dramatic Reading works for all kinds of Kings and Queens.

To play, take all those letters you corrected in red pen and read them aloud. While you can read aloud by yourself (which is quaggtastically boring), it’s way more fun to have someone else with you (stop that wallowing and bring in another party!). The two of you, or the group of you, must each first select a letter, note, or instructional list (‘instructional list’, like, how to achieve weight loss or gain or having a map to find your Beta fish).

Next, whoever is reading must be assigned with a dramatic voice or accent in which to read the note or list. Once you’ve finished reading, the written note shouldn’t have as much meaning as it becomes all shades of comical and not nearly as important to drone on about.

Two side notes about this particular game:

1. Ridiculously dramatic Actors, such as Katherine Hepburn or Woody Allen, make for deliciously accented readers.

2. Like all games and life in general, alcohol makes everything better.

So, when wallowing, I usually forgo the ice cream and insipid movie in order to head straight for whatever booze and maliciousness fields, but that’s just my way. I am sure there are elevendy-billion understudies within our dramatic theatres and thank goodness for diversity, eh?

Ps. Should anyone require a pal for editing or reading, lemme know-those are my favourites.

TAGS: Great Lakes State, Steven Hawking, Traci Lords, Def Leppard, Katherine Hepburn, Woody Allen

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4 Responses to “ Voodoo Dating: If You’re Going To Wallow, Wallow In This ”

  1. Nay Shayan on September 17, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Such great advice. I will take all these things into consideration as I “wallow” for the next several weeks. I really did consider getting a cat.

  2. Sara on September 17, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Pet are good…if only they could be involved in The Dramatic Readings.

  3. Stacie on September 19, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Oh Sara, where art thou a few years back! General Hospital was my vice … up till my divorce. Then I quit watching it because I felt like there was too much drama in my life even when I did confine myself to my house (leaving only to work)and returning to wallow some more. Anyways, I’ve dabbled in only a handful of relapses with GH since then. Perhaps life is beginning to get boring again and I have no interest involving myself in anyone else’s drama so maybe another relapse is in the near future;)
    Good thing the Giz has been my side kick through it all … she needed a diet and I needed to gain weight after.

  4. Sara on September 20, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Stac, you are a Jewel in the truest sense-strong and beautiful.

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