Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Never Ever Be Late Again
It all started with airports–more specifically, with my father and airports. The most important message that I gleaned from my dad’s air travel advice was that one must arrive at the airport a good solid three hours before the flight is scheduled to take off. I believe his main reasoning behind this theory was because– “There are too many goddamn people (heavy nostril breathing) in the goddamn world all trying to go to the same goddamn (more heavy nostril breathing) place at the same goddamn time. Bloody hell fire.” I also soon learned that no matter how generously of an early start that you get, it is still very important to verbally express your concerns (“If everybody would bloody move it…same damn place. We all have to go to the bloody same place. Hell fire. Damn it. Move it…move it. Shit Heel. Whorebite”) and possible causes for delays while en route to your destination.
The final piece of my father’s distinct travel method is never rest. Yes, you have safely arrived at the airport a good one-hundred and eighty minutes early, but that is no reason to relax. Obviously, your next move is to grab all your shit and run as fast as you can to your gate. This will involve more verbal expression (“Out of the bloody way. Move your goddamn ass. Move it….moooove it. Shit Heel. Whorebite. Shit fire”) and possibly some pushing. The bonus is that the majority of the people that you have just shoved and insulted will be the very same people that you will now have to sit next to at the gate with palpable discomfort while you wait the preciously needed extra three hours for your flight.
As an adult, I not only still apply this three hours early/cursing/heavy nostril breathing/running/panicking/hostile method to air travel, but to every other aspect of my life as well. I am stupid early everywhere I go and become absurdly antsy at the mere thought of being late somewhere–actually, even just “on time.” I have adapted various ways to always ensure that I am retarded early everywhere and would be very pleased to share them with you now–though I really do not recommend using them unless you are interested in making your life significantly more difficult, irrational–and exceedingly more sleepy.
If you are not terribly attached to sleep (or logic) and want to get on board with the ridiculously early plan, you will need at least two alarm clocks. One of the clocks is just for back-up, but you should check each of them no less than four times to make sure that they are properly set (I used to check mine twelve times–but that was when I had an “obsessive compulsive” problem–now I only check eight times.) When setting your alarms, you should think about what time you need to be somewhere–then think about what time a reasonable person would plan to wake up and set it at least two hours earlier than that. This will allow a nice chunk of buffer time in order to allow for unforeseen detainment (like flaming hot coffee spillage and bunny-herding issues.)
The next step is a pretty obvious one. You need to give yourself plenty of time to get where you are going. For instance, if you need to be somewhere and you know that it takes about twenty minutes to get there–give yourself two to three hours (I should also mention that this extra time is necessary due to the fact that I repeatedly tend to go from a calm “I’m almost there” to an intensely panicked “I’m lost!” in a matter of seconds.) I mean sure, you will be really early and maybe even locked out of the building and the sun may not be up yet and you might not even be at the right place because it is still pretty dark outside and you may be really cold and there is a possibility that you will be mugged and/or raped–but, you won’t be late.
I am attaching Gram Rabbit playing “White Rabbit” as a nod to Jackson (and bunnies) with whom I shared some of my punctual recommendations in a recent conversation (just with Jackson, not the bunnies. Bunnies are already notoriously punctual.) Me: “What time are you playing tennis?” Jackson: “Seven.” Me: “You will never make it.” Jackson: “I have two hours.” Me: ” You only have two hours. You should already be there. You better cancel.”