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Voodoo Dating: Check Your Children At The Door

September 3, 2010

As a person, my best friend wins-at life. He’s tall, he’s got great shoes, he’s hysterical, and he’s constantly teaching me to be a better person by not being judgemental. Unless, the topic turns to children. We both don’t dig on the idea of childrens and there’s a whole lot of judgement-without-experience that probably births a litter when we encounter kiddies.

Certainly, I try to balance on my soapbox for various causes, but what is the deal with the Breeders?! (My own spoiler is that unless I know you or am related to you, I don’t give an afterbirth about your children.)

Best Friend Monte and I have had conversations about the following:

1.   All children look the same. That’s right, parents, all of your children look like mini alien Winston Churchills. They’re small, they’re bald, they’re crumbly, and you might be the only ones who find them truly attractive.

2.   Using your child’s photograph as your Facebook profile picture. Newsflash, it’s not cute-it’s kinda creepy.

3.   A ‘Miracle’. Giving birth is not uncommon. Woman have been popping out the puppies forever, so every child’s birth needn’t be ladled as ‘a miracle’. Parents who have painstakingly tried to have children and finally receive their wish-those are miracles. Being able to normally extract four or five children-that’s right up with there with the miracle of borrowing a cup of sugar.

4.   My children are my life. ‘Hi. Haven’t seen you in a couple of years. These are my children, Moxie, Roxy, Romaine, and Random.’ Really? The initial and best greeting you have prepared is pointing out your children? Remember when you used to have a job? A Wife? Hobbies? A drinking problem?

5.   You had them-deal with it. I understand that children are a lot of work, that’s why I’m never having any. However, parents have to realize that when they get knocked up, there will be diaper changing gigs, and tantrums, and items missing from their Penthouse collection. You’ve had nine months to think about it, so quit yer bitchin’. Sure, you’re exhausted and sick of screaming spit-up, but that ain’t my problem.

Clearly, I would not be the best parent, nor do I wish to be. Therefore, I’ll stick with Monte in our Pollyanna escapades fighting against judgment…and children


2 Responses to “ Voodoo Dating: Check Your Children At The Door ”

  1. Stacie on September 3, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Sing it sista!!!!!!! Geesh, I couldn’t agree more! Points 3 and 5 – Seriously, if I hear one more person speak of said miracle or complain of motherhood I’m afraid I might a) go off on them, b) slap them silly, and/or c) disown their friendship! I could babble on and on, but I’ll refrain.

  2. HazzMatt on September 3, 2010 at 9:08 am

    When I was younger I wanted 3 or 4… now that I’m older, I’d like to maybe hold a baby once a year…

    I actually like kids. Most kids. There are some spawn that are demonic in nature, and as fun as it is to watch these kids destroy their parents lives, the knowledge that they will grow up to be demonic adults squirting out horrific monsters is frighting…

    So even though I like most kids, I don’t like most modern parents.. and feel that many, if not all, need to be smacked. (You heard me hipster moms, smacked, right in the kisser. This also goes for ghetto and white trash redneck parents too). I’m disgusted how parents take their 2 month old poop factory to everything, (late night dinners, movies, work, chuck e cheese…), and then expect me to be ok with their kid screaming while I’m trying to eat dinner, have a drink, watch a stripper, or walk the aisle of a porn shop. Some places just aren’t kid friendly… I don’t care if you want to sit in public pull out your teet and feed the wee parasite, hell that there is a free show for me… and I will look. I mean if you’re so uppity about having the “RIGHT” to bare boob, then I’m going to express my right as a citizen to stare said boom in the eye (so to speak)… But when you go out of your way to make every place in the world child safe, well then you’re just a douche of capital caliber.

    Next week we’ll talk about Las Vegas, and how it’s become the leading nursery / pre-school daycare city in the country.

    and now back to the original article.

    Now where did I put my “Pregnant and Slutty” magazine…. ?

    (have I ever mentioned my friend who’s Pedophobic?)
    Pedophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear or hatred of babies and children. Sufferers experience anxiety even though they realize their fear is groundless. Rearing a child or being around active children can both produce anxiety.

    From the Greek “pais” (child) and “phobos” (fear).