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Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Hair Cutting Tips

September 2, 2010

For many years now I have been extremely  fond (pathologically so) of  both cutting hair and just short hair cuts in general.  My short hair fixation started as a child and I am not really sure exactly why–I just know that I began to give every doll I could get my little mitts on pixie cuts (OK, they were supposed to be pixie cuts, but in reality the dolls all ended up  looking like they had some sort of strange bald patchy hair disease).   This  inexplicable hair preoccupation did not end with mere doll grooming (maiming) either.   There were countless days that I desperately  resorted to sitting on my own  hands  to  stop  myself  from reaching out to gently caress the magnificently  short hair of every unsuspecting boy who sat in front of me in elementary school (and high school…college too a little bit).

I even began to cut my own hair in secrecy– just cutting little bits at a time and then carefully blending it back with the rest of my hair.  My self-crafted do was eventually  revealed in my fourth grade class picture in which I sported super jacked up bangs and weirdo side hair wings.  Well,  I am all grown-up now and still obsessed with short hair (though the obsession has lessened a tad after I finally did have my very own pixie cut a few years ago and was promptly told by one of my kindergarten students, “You used to look like a princess and now you don’t”).  I also still cut my own hair– but no longer in secrecy because I am an adult now and have every goddamn right to make myself look a fool if  I so choose.  Anyway,  I would be more than delighted to share my (unconventional and moderately dangerous) hair cutting tips and techniques with you today!

First things first–you need to start drinking.  I suggest fixing yourself a nice icy vodka beverage, perhaps a vodka and tonic with a bit of lime.  This will loosen you up–get the creative juices flowing.  If  you want to be really creative– have a couple more drinks  and you are ready to begin.  You will need one pair of slightly fucked tiny sewing scissors ( not the most “ideal” tool, but for me it was between those and a paring knife),  some sort of hair tie and a coaster for your drink if you plan to place it on a wooden surface.

OK,  you are ready to tackle your bangs (if you don’t have bangs, skip this part…or don’t skip it– now you have bangs–wait, how much have you had to drink?).  Take your chunk of bangs and hold them between your index and middle finger.   Next– pick up those idiotically  dicked sewing  scissors and start to (blindly) snip upwards towards your hair.  You will most certainly cut your hand–so allot some extra time for crying and bleeding.

Cutting the rest of your hair can get a little tricky–especially with all those fresh wounds and bandages on your hands.  Start by pulling your hair back into a low ponytail–now make another drink and proceed to reach back and frantically chop at the hair you have pulled back.   Once you feel like you have sufficiently hacked most of your ponytail off–take it down.  Don’t panic.  It will be fucked and very uneven.  Perhaps the ponytail shifted off to one side or something…I don’t know, but you (or perhaps a trained professional)  can fix it.  Put down your drink and start investigating your hat situation–then find a mirror and attempt to even that shit up.   You should try to fix it before going to bed because if you wait until the sober light of day–you may flip your shit and convince yourself that someone broke into your apartment specifically to make your hair look stupid and drink all of your vodka.

Please keep in mind as you read this that I have monumentally  terrible ideas–that being said,  happy hair-cutting!  I am attaching an obvious choice of music for the occasion:  Pavement’s  “Cut Your Hair.”


9 Responses to “ Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Hair Cutting Tips ”

  1. Jane on September 2, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Now see – I always really like your hair and think you are quite good at it! My own attempts at self-administered hair cuts have always end up looking more like that scene in Betty Blue when Betty REALLY starts losing her shit and takes to the scissors. Not pretty. Like I’ve come out of a bad brain operation.

    I could never get the vodka proportions right either – too little and I go to bed with uncut hair, too much and I wake up in the yard.

  2. anncine on September 2, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Yes, the vodka proportion is the trickiest part….and the bleeding.

  3. S. on September 2, 2010 at 9:05 am

    This is clearly the best way to start a 3-day weekend. Shaker,coaster,scissors-GO!

  4. anncine on September 2, 2010 at 9:35 am

    It is the best/worst way to start every weekend!

  5. Eric Wilson on September 2, 2010 at 11:12 am

    As you well know my hair is far too beautiful to hack at myself, although I used to auction it off to would-be stylists and first-time hair-chopping enthusiasts at the Press Club when I was drunk back in the day. The results were decidedly mixed.

  6. Jackson on September 2, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Another gem from a gem. (Jem, Jem is outrageous, truly, truly, truly, outrageous…)

    I was just listening/watching the attached song selection the other day and thought of you. It’s as if you are in my pants.

  7. anncine on September 2, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    I am in your pants!

  8. Sara on September 7, 2010 at 8:40 am

    May I offer that whiskey sours make for excellent self-induced hair cutting cocktails. Also, to add to the fuckery, take a couple of smoke breaks when bored. My hair looks like a vice within itself!

  9. anncine on September 7, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Noted–I want to see your awesome hair!!