9 Things You Will Find At Disney World
Recently I spent five days in the Magical Kingdom(s) with my family. I was constantly looking for things I could write about. There was no shortage of fodder. People watching was, quite simply, epic. I offer you the following list. Spoiler warning: it is mean.
Fat People Yep, that’s a photo I took. I don’t care if I am not being politically correct. If you are waddling around double fisting a turkey leg larger than my femur in one hand, and a chocolate dipped waffle cone in the other hand, I get to call you fat. You do not have a genetic disorder, illness, or other anomaly that renders you overweight. You lack self-control, pure and simple.
For the entire duration of my stay, I was never able to spot a fat person who wasn’t 1)In the process of gorging their face. 2)Waiting in a line in order to gorge their face. I couldn’t even take a leisurely boat ride on the “It’s a Small World” ride, because fat people broke it. I’m sorry if that is harsh, but the truth hurts, doesn’t it? Might I offer my humble apologizies to the two obese individuals I saw consuming salad greens during my five day stay. I commend you.
Scooters/Rascals Disney World is host to quite possibly the largest population of scooter/rascals assembled in any one place. Now, most times I associate these types of personal transportation devices with our elderly population. I was shocked and somewhat horrified to find that many of the people I saw using these were not very old. Most were obese, so much so that they cannot support their own weight anymore.
However, there was a subset of Rascal riders who were just assholes, taking advantage of the privileges that handicapped individuals enjoy at Disney. The most flagrant example was a twenty something who rode his Rascal right up to the front of the line at Space Mountain, parked his machine, and promptly jumped the fence to enter the accelerated line.
Badly Dressed Men Wow. It was impressive. The wife beater tank top was very popular, and apparently bonus points were handed out if you coupled the top with an extra hairy back. Of course, you saw lots of the ubiquitous “jean shorts,” and fanny packs were all the rage in this crowd.
Badly Dressed Women There are some things you wish you could un-see. For me, it was a lumbering woman who could squash me like a bug, wearing leggings that resembled sausage casings, a way-too-short mini skirt, and a graphic-tee emblazoned with “Put a Ring on it.” I assure you, this came across as a threat, not an enticement.
Also, for such a family driven destination, there was no shortage of hoochie mamas. You know the type, they think they are a MILF, but they are really just trailer trash meandering around, skanking up the place. I will tell you it is rather disarming to see them pushing strollers around. Now my youngest thinks that I should dress like a Bratz doll, too.
Craptastic Hair Check out the sweet stylings of the man in front of me in a line at the front gate. He has a modified mullet thing going on with a bald head and a sprig of hair trailing down his back. That tendril of hair is pulled so taught that their are two hairless lines on either side of it that resemble a goalpost.
Liquor That’s right, there’s liquor. The people who run Disney aren’t stupid. Most people come for several days with a screaming entourage of children. You will never, ever need a drink so bad in your life as you do while in Disney World. I was ready for my first cocktail during breakfast with Chef Mickey on our first day. Here’s the kicker, though. Those same people who run Disney like to have a little fun at our expense. In a cruel twist masterminded by diabolical person of authority, there is NO liquor allowed in the Magic Kingdom Park.
This is arguably the very place you need it the most. This is where all the traditional rides like Peter Pan, Dumbo, Pirates of the Caribbean reside, and 80% of the people on the premises are under the age of six. Isn’t that just a dick move to deny you the sweet nectar you so crave?
Instead, you’ll have to travel to one of the other, more civilized parks like Epcot or Animal Kingdom that aren’t judgemental about those who prefer to spend their vacation inebriated out of their skull. It’s a coping mechanism, after all.
Stinky Breath You might think this is an odd one, but trust me, it’s true. Thanks to the fine food offerings people chow down on all day, and the fact that you are often roaming around the park for up to 12 hours at a time, there is a lot of stench in the air from body odor, and breath odor. You don’t really notice the latter until you are waiting in one of those winding ride lines, and catch a whiff of the dude standing next to you. He’s just feasted on Nachos Deluxe or Hot Wings or such, and his breath could knock over an elephant.
Now, when I notice things like this, it tends to make me more paranoid about my own dental hygiene, and luckily I stocked my purse with a bunch of those Whisp single use toothbrushes. I would whip them out whenever I was on a dark ride. I distinctly remember brushing my teeth on The Pirates of the Caribbean ride and Splash Mountain (in the dark cave.) However, that was a bit impractical, so I embarked on a quest for some chewing gum. After striking out for two days at three different parks and 45 gift shops I finally asked a shopkeeper where I might find some gum.
His answer was, “We don’t sell gum on the properties.” Seriously? His explanation had something to do with not wanting people to stick it all over the rides and throughout the parks. It makes sense, but I wish I would have known, and I would have smuggled some into the park. You could probably make a tidy little profit setting up an impromptu stand and charging a dollar a stick. You know how when you can’t have something, you just want it more? Trust me, I was ready to whore myself out for a stick of Trident.
Food Disney World is a dream come true for the food obsessed. I certainly don’t remember food being the focus of our family visits when I was little, but I guess Disney has to compete with all the carnivals and state fairs when it comes to the food. You would be hard pressed to think of a food that wasn’t available from at least one park. Epcot is a cornocopia of cultural offerings from Norway, Canada, France, Morocco, France, Mexico, and the UK.
Within the more mainstream parks you find the standard theme park fare-candy, popcorn, cotton candy, turkey legs, ice cream, nachos, etc.
The high-end restaraunts were also surprisingly good. Some amazing entrees and exquisite deserts. I steered clear of the carnival offerings and held out for the good stuff.
Bibbidi Boppiti Boutique Scam Nestled deep within the confines of Cinderella’s Castle is a little shop that has caused many a family to quickly part with their money. This, friends, is Bibbidy Boppiti Boutique. In a nutshell, your little princess can get a princess makeover, for a steep price. If you have more than one girl, you will be taking out a second mortgage on your house to pay the bill.
Let’s face it: the mouse has you by the balls. What father has the heart to tell their daughter “no” to this once in a lifetime chance to become a princess-in Cinderella’s freaking castle. You are screwed. I had to make “appointments” for our girls months in advance. I opted to go the cheap route, and just got a hairdo, makeup and nails for my girls. If you throw in a costume, you are looking at $200 per a child. As if Disney was not expensive enough.
I don’t know where these families get their money, but of the 12 or so girls getting made-over during their time slot, mine were the only ones who didn’t get the full costume treatment. That place was making money, hand over fist.
I had a little chuckle later in the day when I overheard a mother arguing with her daughter, telling her that she could not take her hairdo out, that she had only had it up for two days, and she had to make it last one more day. The poor dear was being forced to wear ridiculous extensions (all included) and a cheap tiara for a whole nother day. With what they payed for the get-up, can’t say I blamed the mom.
*I know that I make fun of everything, but that’s what I do. We had a wonderful vacation, truth be told. Our kids were beside themselves with joy, and the adults had a pretty good time as well. It was a stellar time.