Bachelor Pad Recap: Spit Swap and Switch
How do pretty girls get away with such blatant bullshit? Gia, the mastermind of last week’s plan to unify the “outsiders” and vote off an “insider,” was also solely responsible for the plan’s demise when she failed to give a rose to Craig as promised. So when this week’s show opens with Gia bitching out Nikki, who didn’t vote with the alliance, it’s a little baffling that not only is nobody slapping Gia across the face, they are practically apologizing to her.
I was feeling pretty pissed and almost ready to quit this show – but then – the immunity competition started. Bow chicka bow bow….a blindfolded kissing competition! Hellz yeah. THIS is why I watch Bachelor Pad.
The rules were pretty simple. The girls were blindfolded and each guy got to step up and give each girl their best kiss. The girls then cast their vote for best kisser. and vice versa. Apart from the disgusting algebraic formula that reveals the amount of mouth slobber exchanged during this contest (think back to AIDS/STD class in high school where sleeping with Jimmy who slept with Molly and Sarah who slept with Joe and Jason = you’re gonna die), it was actually a pretty easy competition. Well, not so easy for Gia who cried the whole time and eventually dropped out because she didn’t want to “cheat” on her boyfriend. Puh-leeze. Last week she got all flummoxed and gave Wes a rose after he professed his love. Gia’s thick Bronx accent brings visions of a big boyfriend back home named Anthony who doesn’t really notice when someone serenades his woman with a guitar but who classifies a friendly hug as worthy of a beat down.
Ashley also declined to participate in the kissing contest because she’s a high school teacher and didn’t want to lose the respect of her students. I know … I laughed out loud, too. Ashley, I need a word please. You’re, ummmmm, on Bachelor Pad.
David Goode and Peyton won the kissing contest. Peyton, who flies a bit under the radar, won by doing just that. Instead of kissing each guy in violent porn star fashion, she kept it sweet and dry. She’s my new fave.
Dave chose Nikki, Krisily and wild child Natalie for his date in Las Vegas. Natalie said, “I would make out with every guy in the house for $250,000. Actually, I would make out with every guy here for twenty bucks!” Krisily admitted to the audience, but not to Dave, that his kiss made her feel all warm and crazy inside. She likes him. But she didn’t, and she didn’t get the rose. It went to….can you guess? I’ll give you a hint. The rose went to the only girl who went topless in the pool. And fade to commercial with Dave and Natalie making out in the bed of the Las Vegas fantasy suite.
Peyton, in a pretty smart move, chose other people’s boyfriends for her date. Kiptyn, Jesse Kovacs and Jesse B. are dating Tenley, Elizabeth and (until she did the naughty with Dave) Natalie respectively. After having some predictable fun on a race track together (really? no new ideas Bachelor franchise?), Peyton grilled Kiptyn and Kovacs on their relationships. Kiptyn lied saying he was not interested in Tenley while Kovacs was honest in saying he was paired off with Elizabeth. Jesse B. won the rose and the fantasy suite and whatever else happens after the hotel room door closes.
Back at the house, Wes serenades Gia with an acoustic guitar song and she quickly falls in love with him. She delivers the quote of the night with, “He’s like the modern-day Shakespeare … only cuter!” But, y’know, at least she didn’t participate in the kissing contest.
There were some highly unorganized and uninteresting strategy sessions, so we’ll skip straight ahead to voting. It came down to Gia and Elizabeth for the girls (please oh please oh please let it be Gia). The guys were down to Kiptyn and Weatherman. Weatherman is short, a bad kisser, and a weatherman. So he was gone. The house was in a deadlocked tie between Gia and Elizabeth, which Dave Goode as the best kisser got to break. He sent Gia crying in the limo on her way back home to Anthony, proving that pretty will only get you so far. Still a lot farther than the rest of us, but still, only so far.