Notes From A Walkman Junkie: Make-Up Tips
Forget everything you ever knew about make-up–now remember it again because I do not really know very much on the matter, but I would be happy to share my personal (minimal/obsessive/irrational) primping tips with you. I have been going through a touch of Benadryl-induced ennui as of late and nothing makes me feel better than dragging myself up off of the floor and wearily preforming my beauty routine (other than maybe enjoying a nice icy vodka beverage while cutting my own hair with extremely tiny scissors–look for tips on hair grooming under the influence with inappropriately sized equipment in a later installment).
OK–first things first, you want to start with a nice clean face. Forget all about those fancy-pancy make-up removers and frilly- fruity cleansers–not needed. Pick up a bar of…I don’t know “white” Dial soap and washy-wash that face right up (careful of your eyes because that shit burns and then you find yourself frantically scooping water into your eyes and running around, blindly looking for the towel that you forgot to set out next to the sink in preparation for the scrub down).
Next you are ready to pull out your make-up bag or open your make-up drawer or haul in your make-up trunk–I don’t know your life. Now take that collection of make-ups and dump the whole thing in the trash (this is mostly for dramatic effect–just do it.) Wait, I should have told you to save your mascara (mascara is very important to me–almost as important as tights) because you will need it.
Take your mascara out of the trash (hopefully it is right on top, sorry about that) and go buy three more additional mascaras. Don’t dispute this with me–you need them. Each of the four mascaras have a specific and unique purpose so they need to be different kinds of mascaras. They can be whatever kind you like–”Thick Lash Nut Blast”–I don’t care as long as they are not the same ones (I never buy waterproof mascara though so I only apply the dark richness to my upper lashes in case I encounter a tearful wasabi nose burn or need to weep quietly in a corner for a few minutes).
You are now ready to start applying your mascaras. The first one should be a very light coat because its job is simply to separate your lashes (most likely after a few hours of sleeping on my face) so wipe off most of the mascara from the brush on the edge of the tube before applying. All right, grab that second tube now and apply one mild coat. This one is for length I guess because let’s face it, the first one did not really do much. The third tube is strictly to darken your lashes (hopefully detracting from the glaringly obvious dark circles under my eyes–I stay up late and it is partially genetic I think) so apply a moderate to heavy coat. Damn it–now it is bit clumpy…go back to that first tube and separate those lashes again. Ummmm, now you kind of want it to be a bit darker….OK, put on one more coat of the third one, but not the second one–well, maybe one more of the second for a bit more length then for chirst’s sake stop and don’t even look at the tweezers. Put down the mascaras. Walk away. I mean it.
At this point it may be painfully apparent why it has been necessary for me to limit my make-up items to just four mascaras….things get weird (very much like when I was a kid and insisted on retying my shoes over and over again until they were exactly even or when I would change my outfit eighteen times a day only to eventually settle on wearing my furry tiger Halloween costume paired with red knee socks and party shoes). Oh, I probably should mention what the role of the mysterious forth mascara is in my make-up ritual. I don’t like odd numbers. I am attaching the most suitable make-up application song that I could find: The Muppet Show theme song.