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Bachelor Pad Recap: Revolving Door of Hot Chicks (and one old mom)

August 9, 2010
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Author’s Note: I’m taking a break from writing about restaurants and the life of servers to write about something even more salacious and slimy – ABC’s new series, Bachelor Pad.  For the next several weeks, I hope you enjoy reading about overly dramatic, sex-crazed cry babies and the things they do for money.  Hey, come to think of it, they’re just like servers – only prettier.

Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Pad. Full of uglies.

If you’ve ever been embarrassed to watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, you’ll feel downright shameful watching this show.  And yet, you’ll watch anyway.  Here’s the premise:

Nineteen rejects from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette move into a mansion we’ve seen many times before (I hope they cleaned it while using a black light) for a chance to win $250,000 and “perhaps a second chance at love.”  Sure.  Right.  Anyways, each week the 11 men and 9 women will compete in a challenge.  The winner will receive a rose that grants him or her  immunity from elimination and the right to invite three other contestants on a date.  The challenge winner can then give a rose out during their date, leaving two contestants with immunity.  The girls then vote for which guy they want to eliminate and vice versa.

The show started with the typical limousine parade and the introductions to contestants with an unusually high number of trendy names featuring the letter “Y.”  We meet Ashley, Kiptyn, Krisily, Peyton and Tenley to name a few.  They also throw in a couple of classic crazies from past seasons such as Michelle who awkwardly stalked kissed Jake in season 14 before he ditched her mid date and Craig M. who bullied Ali’s effeminate weatherman, Jonathan, in the most recent season of The Bachelorette.

I can’t imagine any men watching this show, and yet, the producers spent the first 30 minutes of the show focusing on “how freaking hot these chicks are.”  Yes, there was a mention or two from the women about how all the guys had great bods, but mostly, it was a lot of close up shots of perfect boobs and butts in bikinis and lines like these:

Jesse Kovacs, (Bachelorette season 5, Jillian): “This is a revolving door of hot chicks.”
David Good (Bachelorette season 5, Jillian): “There are some freaking hot chicks here, man.”
Wes Hayden (Bachelorette season 5, Jillian): “Michelle’s probably got one of the hottest bodies in the house.”
Weatherman (Bachelorette season 6, Ali): “I hope Gia walks in that door.  Because there’s hot….and there’s hooooooot.”

Gwen Gioia

Old Gwen. I'm going to shoot myself.

And just in case they hadn’t shattered the self-esteem of 98 percent of the viewers, the producers managed to alienate every viewer over the age of 35 when Gwen from Bachelor season 2 arrived and the men are heard laughing and joking about how old she is.  “Is she a little older?  Is she a little older than us? Hahaha!,” laughs David Good.  “I don’t know when they started doing The Bachelor,” says Jesse Beck from Ali’s recent season, “but she’s definitely someone I look at as a mom.”  Her age is not even revealed on the show’s web site.  My super sleuthing says she is 39.  And she looks like this.  God please let me be so lucky.

Unfortunately for the poor contestants, they could only find room in the 10,000 square foot mansion for one bedroom.  Nine bunk beds are equipped with night vision cameras a la Real World Las Vegas.

The challenge for immunity is a giant game of Twister in itty bitty bikinis and even more shots of cleavage and crotch.  Craig M. is the winner, which ruins the girls’ plan to eliminate him in the first round.  Instead they all get real Craig friendly in a hurry in hopes of getting picked for the date and hopefully a rose for immunity.

That night, somebody is heard slurping and grinding in the bedroom.  Miraculously and mysteriously, it is not caught on camera.  This show is such a tease!  Tenley says the makeout session was between Craig M. and stalker Michelle.  Michelle corners Tenley in the bathroom the next morning, holding the door closed with her foot (Yes! I love stalkers!) and confronts Tinkerbell Tenley on spreading rumors.  Tenley freaks out and breaks into full-on ugly cry, saying she is scared for her safety.  Whatevs.  I was soooo over Tenley two seasons ago.

Craig M. picks Elizabeth (the “tease” from Jake’s season), Jessie (the Rozlyn confronter from Jake’s season) and old lady Gwen for his date.  He gives Jessie the immunity rose after a date on the beach.

Back at the brothel mansion, the only inkling of romance is between Natalie (Bachelor season 13, Jason) and Jesse.  Everybody else is busy talking about how they are here for money and money only.  Keep in mind, these are the same people who told us in previous seasons that they were “here for the right reasons…really ready to settle down and find that special person that I can spend the rest of my life with.”  And yeah, I admit, I bought it.  Every season.

Far too much time was devoted to the relationship between Jesse Kovacs and Elizabeth.  Apparently, they’ve been “hooking up” for about three months and in a rare real-life scenario, Elizabeth thinks they are a couple … and Jesse does not.  Yeah, because why would seeing each other every day for several months and having regular sex mean you are a couple?  Typical.  At any rate, Jesse thinks that being seen as “taken” by the other girls threatens his position in the house and he tells Elizabeth to be cool and back off a little.  Elizabeth cries and whines about it, and tells him she is madly in love with him.  When he does not reciprocate the sentiment, she does a pretty impressive about face, stiffens her lip and tells Jesse that if he hurts her, that would be a bad strategy for him.  He asks, “Is that a threat?”  She confirms it with a steely stare.

However, my respect for Elizabeth lasts only as long as the commercial break.  Her insane mood swings were back in full effect as she cries, again, and asks the girls to keep Jesse around.

Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft (dumped by Jason on live TV after his proposal in season 13) host the rose ceremony where stalker Michelle and Juan (Bachelorette season 5, Jillian) were eliminated.  Juan pissed off the women by using Nikki as a free place to stay and having a one-night stand while recently traveling through Chicago.  Curiously, it never came up that Juan is almost as old as old Gwen.  He is 37 and clearly, therefore, probably somone’s dad.

Gia Allemand

Gia. Kinda letting herself go.

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