Voodoo Dating: Tiffany’s Table Manners For Teenagers And Beyond
My Mother is a minefield of useful information, which she shares (praise be to Allah) via numerous pamphlets, articles, websites, and books. As children, Brother Gnatalie and I were mangroved with splendidly creepy reading material, including Poe’s Tales (illustrated by Arthur Rackham!), The Lonely Doll, all things by Edward Gorey, a parade of Eloise, What Not to Name the Baby, and Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers. I managed to get my mitts on several copies of Mum’s books and steal them away, but she’s always catching me. My dreams of being burned with The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar & Six More are continuously dashed by my Mummy politely asking me to return whatever I am hoarding.
However, there remains one book Mum hasn’t quite caught on that I have (and none of YOU had better peach on me): Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers. I’m big into etiquette, which is why I haven’t politely returned Mother’s book. Fortunately, for others, I’m using Tiffanys as an etiquette consultant for this week’s article regarding ‘dating dos and don’t you dares’.
1. After you’ve made the initial plans to prepare a date with the object of your affection, DON’T be late. By late, I mean don’t dawdle over ten minutes to retrieve your date. Lateness is rude and showcases your manners as those of a baboon. (While it is my birthright to be half an hour late to anything, I am never tardy for individual dates…with the exception of my ten-month stint in the womb.)
2. Bring your date a small entertaining trinket. This certainly isn’t mandatory, but your chances for a make-out session afterwards might be improved by Playdough, Silly Putty, or a skeen of rainbow yarn. Jus’ sayin’.
3. Boys & Girls, please don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong to open a door or pull out a chair while on a date. It’s considerate, it really is. Just the Girls now, if you don’t like having a door held open or a chair pulled out for you, simply thank your date for doing so and then explain that you can manage yourself. You needn’t get snippy, as we’ve all reached the point of exasperation concerning the Women’s Lib movement.
4. Texting and speaking on one’s cellar phone is obviously a no-no to me, but some still don’t comprehend it. Clearly, if you are on a date, your attentions should be fixated on your company. Even if you are planning for a better date later on in the evening, the person you’re with doesn’t need to (and probably doesn’t want to) know that.
5. TIP! It’s not that I was in the service industry for the entirety of my High School & College careers that enables me to capitalize this, it’s because if you don’t tip you are an Ass. I almost always tip 20% unless someone on Staff throws up in my water, and then I tip 15%. The excuse, ‘It’s too difficult for me to figure out percentages’ is whiney and tiresome. Two dollars for every ten or a buck fifty for every ten. It ain’t hard. I’ve done the Math and I bet you can too!
6. Kissing: Just do it. I’m a humongoid fan of kissing, so I say lean in a plant one in any situation. However, not everyone is like me (I see you all thanking your Lucky Stars over there, don’t think I don’t!) and if you’re not like me, politely decline from kissing. It’s okay and it’s your right. If you are like me, reel in your date and spend several delicious hours making out.
7. Boys (because Girls don’t question this), it IS okay to call or text a Woman or Man a few days after your date. I swear it is. Although, by ‘a few days’, I mean two days rather than two months.
Lastly, I feel my Darling Readers are intelligent enough that I can refrain from going into detail about the following:
8. Don’t assume that your date speaks fluent ghetto-neeze.
9. Don’t chew loudly (or softly) with your mouth in a cavernous position.
10. Don’t dress like a snake-unless asked.
11. Don’t talk only about yourself-unless you’re dating yourself.
12. DO NOT ask someone you’re interested in to attend a Peaches concert with you-unless you are secure in their musical and clothing choices.
Happy landings, Kiddies.