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11 More Disturbing Movie Posters!

July 16, 2010
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Egon & Dönci

A 2007 Hungarian animated(?) film, Egon & Dönci wisely neglects to say whether it’s a children’s film. Egon (who bears a striking resemblance to a young Bob Elliot) is apparently some sort of alien explorer while Dönci (a chilling mirror-image of Funzo), his…cat? Makes life (?) miserable for Egon…and anyone who has the misfortune to stumble upon this image. Hey, that’s you!

While the plot summary is scant on details, it takes great pains to assure that it’s  A) whacky, B) zany, C) adventure-y. Whether that’s true or not, I’ll leave you to find out, ‘cause I’m staying the hell away from this unclean…thing.

The Baby Formula

I’m not sure what’s most disturbing: The image of two homely-looking women with their bellies, which may or may not be harboring the next Jeff Foxworthy, giving you the “You’re next” smile (next for what?!?); the fact that it touts itself as a “comedy”; or the misandrously ominous tagline “In the beginning…sperm came from men.”

Apparently the movie deals with two lesbians who synthesize sperm from their stem cells so they can have a child (wouldn’t that be “children”?) together. Actually, the description “Pregnant with humor and unexpected twists” is most disturbing (and isn’t a twist, by definition, unexpected?).

Patrick

“After the shocking bathtub death of his mother and her lover, the sinister Patrick lays comatose in a small private hospital.”  Jerks like me will find the misuse of “lay” unnerving, to say nothing of the eerily elongated poster, but the subsequent plot detail “his only action being his involuntary spitting,” clearly takes the cake.

Uptown New York

Everyone else (including Oakie himself) seems rightfully terrified of Jack Oakie’s disembodied, voluminous head rampaging through what, chillingly, doesn’t appear to be New York and leaving torrents of havoc in its wake, so why shouldn’t you be? No plot description that I can find exists for this movie, so it may be best if we just leave it and move along…

Screamers

Judging from the poster, can you guess the plot? My best surmise is that Screamers chronicles an assassination attempt on Joseph Stalin (look closely and you can see the sniper in his eyes) after the former Soviet dictator ate a pile of radiation and transformed into a giant Commun-monster with a serious case of jail-mouth. If that’s not an image that doesn’t inspire fear, then read your fucking history.

Sadly, it’s just a music documentary covering a System of a Down tour.

Satánico pandemonium

No disturbing movie poster list would be complete without some example of Nunsploitation, and Satánico pandemonium is the best I’ve seen. Most of us have come across the image of a defrocked sister tearing open her habit to reveal a triumphant Satan, but something about this one just clicks.

Maybe it’s the pun “la sexorcista.” Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Earth Day

Not disturbing per se, but after coming across this during my research (scouring the Internet aided by a quart of whiskey and several packs of Camel Crushes), there was nothing that could keep me from sharing this bastion of awesomeness with the world.

This one has everything: Naked Chicks; weird blood stains on the knife (which appears to be piercing the girl’s own coccyx); a totally bitchin’ tagline (about time someone stuck to those jerk-ass whales); lame endorsements: “Earth Day takes all the normal horror conventions and uses them in a great way!”; and the director’s name I’ll leave you to discover.

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh

Ah, the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, when people weren’t afraid to advertise their movie with horrendously drawn cartoons of its stars. And what stars they were! Dr. J! Jonathan Winters (Papa Smurf in the upcoming Smurfs movie)! Jack Kehoe! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! M. Emmet Walsh! And James-Freaking-Bond III! You can’t deny that it does look kind of fun…what with its singin’est, nuttliness, spoofing’est (is that a word?) dancing.

Yet all of that highfalutin fun is canceled out by an anthropomorphic basketball eating a fish and farting a trail of stars into Dr. J’s hand. Gruesome.

Test Tube Babies

Believe it or not, this is no spoof—not one of those “Oh let’s make fun of ‘30s propaganda films because they’re so blah blah blah” movies. This was actually made in 1948, which I found startling, because I didn’t know they had test-tube babies, much less test tubes (though I was pretty sure they had babies), back then. Evidently their idea of creating one involved dunking a fetus in an oversized novelty condom filmed with Gak-colored sperm.

The film was produced by exploitationeer George Weiss, the guy who gave Ed Wood his first break by producing Glen or Glenda, and, according to the Wikipedia description, “was a narrative about artificial insemination with scenes of nudity and sexual promiscuity included.” Classy.

St. Helens

It’s not so much the poster I find disturbing, rather it’s the concept. Imagine yourself waking up in 1980 to the explosion of Mt. St. Helens. An entire mountain’s worth of liquid fire is racing toward your home and loved ones, and there’s not a damn thing you can do it. Who’s going to save your and your family’s asses? My first go-to would be some kind of Super Sean Connery/cyborg hybrid. Or maybe a machine-gun wielding T-Rex voiced by Giant Balls McWolfsteel (played by Dolph Lundgren). I’d even settle for God.

But Art Carney? What the hell is Ed Norton going to do? Might as well tell the kids to lie down with their heads facing the lava and whisper that it’ll all be over soon.

Sûpâ Mario Burazâzu Pîchi-hime kyushutsu dai sakusen

Don’t look at me, I just found it.

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