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Skeeter Bites: How to plug BP’s hole…

July 15, 2010
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Some may call me a little behind the times. I’ve never been exactly what one would consider “cutting edge”. I have racked my brain for the past months, attempting to come up with an inventive way for Tony Hayward, C.E.O. of B.P., to fix the oil that gushes into the Gulf of Mexico at an alarming rate. Here are some potential ideas that I have spent long hours on the porcelain throne contemplating…

Dead fish and bird carcasses – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of you right now are calling me a monster, but let’s face facts. All the Dawn dish soap in the world won’t be able to cut the grease that these poor creatures are having to live with. For these birds and fish, the amount of oil that coats their feathers and scales leaves them feeling like they just woke up next to Lionel Richie after a long night of “slap-n-tickle” with Jesus of Jheri Curls. The suggestion that would help us all… wrap them in cheesecloth, and plug the oil’s guss-hole immediately. The sacrifices of the few promote the well being of the many. Save the birds able to fly so they can clog jet engines and the swimming little fishies so that they can saturate the wax paper liner in my basket of Long John Silver’s.

FLOAM – This lovable oddity that sickened thousands of kids would be the perfect economical fix for our issue. With some polystyrene beads, Borax, and glue, we could have endless amounts of semi-gelatinous, oil- plugging goodness. Let’s not mention that we can be the first in the world to have our on designer oil leak color!

Megan Fox’s Toe-Thumb – Granted Megan tops most lists as being one of, if not the most, attractive woman on the planet. But can we be honest with one another for a moment? If an asteroid were on a collision course with Earth, one of the last people being called to the “war room” to brainstorm ideas for our salvation would be her. That is not to say that she cannot be used for more than simply a masturbatory aid. After drowning Megan Fox and allowing the decomposition gasses to slightly bloat her toe-thumb, we could take care of all that ails us by sinking her to the oil’s opening. Following an extensive MacGyver-esque use of duct tape, the leak would be stopped. No more oil, and thank goodness, no Jonah Hex sequel.

Mighty Putty – If the late Billy Mays were here, he would march right into Hayward’s office and with a booming voice proclaim, “Hi, Billy Mays here with Mighty Putty! The oil topper leak stopper. For only $9.95, I won’t simply send you 3 sticks of Mighty Putty, I’ll also do an additional 3 lines of coke off this stripper’s ass, all while singing “God Bless America” and making waffles. Simply pay for shipping and processing!”

Dr. Phil McGraw – If all other options were to fail, we as Americans would have to dig deep into our resolve reserves and sacrifice. With great circumstance comes great consequence and if all ideas fall short of stopping the oil seepage into the Gulf, we can always jam Dr. Phil into the hole. By using a high pressure air cannon aimed at the top of the leak, we propel McGraw’s body, rump first, towards the hole at blazing speed. Upon impact, the cellulite in the aforementioned posterior would become lodged in the orifice, plugging our leak. This would again serve a dual purpose as we would no longer be subject to his small-minded, 6th-grade, hillbilly psychology. Judging by the picture, does he not look like a person who needs to be jammed in a hole 6 miles beneath the ocean’s surface?

As previously mentioned at the onset of the writing, these are simply ideas. We have a team of 3rd-graders hard at work drawing Crayola schematics of a Tinker-Toy plug that could also be used. Stay tuned as more news unravels…

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