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Seven Reasons Bidets Kick Ass

July 12, 2010

So there you are, mowing the lawn, minding your own business, and then it happens: the very next step you take doesn’t feel quite right.  It feels almost as if you’ve slid forward somehow.  Like your foot hasn’t quite made solid contact with the ground.  Like something is wrong.  Your brain, in a desperate attempt to deny what has just happened says not to worry – you’re safe in your own backyard – there’s nothing to worry about.  Unless… unless you’ve just stepped in…

To be sure, you lift up the suspect shoe, and confirm it: either you’ve just stepped in dog poop or some really bad hummus.  Either way,  for the next few minutes of your life, nothing else matters.  Your one and only mission is to cleanse your shoe of the FFM (Foreign Fecal Matter), making sure that it doesn’t get stuck in the treads so you don’t track it in the house.  And so your spouse doesn’t look at you an hour after mowing the lawn, wrinkle his/her nose disapprovingly, and say something like, “Jeezus honey, what the fuck?”

Still with me?  OK, now imagine the same thing happening, only this time imagine that you were barefoot.  What would you do?

This is what I would do

If that happened to me I’d immediately go vomit get a sheet of 100-grain sandpaper, saturate it with some type of industrial-strength, ammonia-based cleaning product and rub the afflicted area vigorously until I saw blood.  Then I’d find a paper-towel, or a T-shirt that I never wanted to see again, soak it in boiling water, and then drape it over the freshly scrubbed area, steam cleaning it.  Finally, I’d rinse everything off with an entire bottle of hydrogen-peroxide and a half-gallon of bleach, all of which would then be followed up with some creative cursing.

OK, so maybe I’ve exaggerated a bit.  I probably wouldn’t use an entire bottle of hydrogen-peroxide

But what I would NOT do is say and/or think, “Well, all this really needs is a cursory wipe with some dry tissue-paper, preferably with the thinnest tissue-paper it is possible to manufacture; that should do the job.”

Seriously.  In any other situation, if your skin comes into contact with poop, soap and water are involved in the cleanup.  Wetwipes.  Something, anything, other than thin, dry toilet paper.  But not in the (typical American) bathroom/restroom/water-closet/(etc); for some strange reason the “must use something wet” rules don’t apply there.  Why?  We bathe & shave in there, and water is certainly involved then, so why not be consistent?

Just think for a second about the decision making process involved in using toilet paper.  How do you know when it’s time to stop?  Imagine if restaurants used the same rationale for cleaning their plates, bowls, glasses, silverware, etc.  And how many times has the thought (conscious or otherwise), “That’s probably “good enough”, crossed your mind?

I’m trying to make a point here without being graphic or gross.  Namely, that toilet paper does a crappy job of doing what it’s supposed to do.  On the whole, performancewise, it stinks.  This isn’t some “tree hugging”, eco-driven smear campaign against toilet paper either; I don’t even like trees.  No friends, this is about principle, about doing what is right.  So wipe the slate clean, and open your mind.

The Case for Bidets (Summarized from <– There’s a website! (1)

OK,  so here are the author’s “Five Hygienic Reasons To Get A Bidet”, along with some comments of my own.  Here we go:

  1. A bidet will leave you cleaner in less time than wiping would allow. Well no shit (2), that’s kind of the point.
  2. You can wash off easily after sex, without having to shower. And without using a T-shirt, or sock, or house-pet.  (I kid, I kid; I’d never use a sock!  ‘Cmon people.)
  3. You don’t have to get any of your fecal matter on your hands. [suppressing urge to vomit] I’m still traumatized from hearing my uncle comment that he was “pretty sure” his finger didn’t “poke through the paper” one time.
  4. Your crotch and bottom areas (along with your hand) smells good. That’s right, your ass won’t stink.  You can say it and mean it.  Otherwise, your nether-regions will probably smell like…well…like…ass.  I’m not convinced this is all that important, but it does make sense.
  5. You don’t need to have shit in your trash. I think the author just made this one up so he/she could have five items, which is one better than having four items.  Still, I personally find this disturbing.  It never even crossed my mind that some people might take the used toilet paper [Regarding used toilet paper, I DARE you to click on this Google image search], and throw it in the trash.

Although that list has some merit, I personally find it to be lacking.  To be perfectly honest, there doesn’t need to be an entire list; the fact that we are comparing the cleaning merits of water to those of dry tissue-paper renders this “debate” anything but.  There’s a reason the morning reminder, “Shit, Shower & Shave” is in that particular order.  It is the Tao Hygiene.

Since I felt the above list was incomplete, and since I’d rather light a candle than curse the darkness, I’ve decided to create my own list of reasons why bidets kick/wash ass.

Seven Reasons Bidets Kick Ass

(1) Bidets are SEXY!
This picture proves it.

“Oh my, this sexy bidet has got (3) me all wet (4)”

(2) “Dingleberry” is a disgusting word that should be wiped from the English language
Dingleberries would not exist in a world run by bidets.

(3) In a bidet-ful world, no one will ever have this cruel joke played on them again

(4) Bidets can be used to store peppers

"Fail" my ass, that's a great idea!

(5) Bidets can also be used to store beer

Bet you boys aren't laughing now are you!

(6) Although bidet is a French word for “Pony”, if said properly, it can sound Australian
“G’day Mate!” “Bidet to you too!”

(7) Bidets are funny

The end.

I’ve never actually seen a bidet, much less operated one, and so far as I know, I don’t know anyone who has.  Truth be told, I can’t be certain that they even exist, but like Vampires, it makes me happy to believe that they do exist, and I hope someday to come across one.  A bidet that is.


  1. There’s at least two of them:
  2. My apologies for the obvious redundancy
  3. My apologies for using the word “got”, which is an entirely useless word.  There is virtually no time a sentence with the word “got” in it wouldn’t sound better rewritten, using another word.  “I got pulled over” becomes “I was pulled over”.  “I got sick” becomes “I was stricken with illness”.  “Got Milk” becomes “Bovine breast-juice ROCKS!”.  Got it?
  4. My apologies for the obvious redundancy

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8 Responses to “ Seven Reasons Bidets Kick Ass ”

  1. Pancake on July 12, 2010 at 8:05 am

    I generally would avoid discussing this in a public format, but you threw the first brave stone.

    Bidets rule – I have lived in apartments equipped with them and they SHOULD exist everywhere.

  2. Nat on July 12, 2010 at 9:31 am

    When I first saw this, I thought it was a diatribe on the film Kick-ass and was scouring my memory to recall a verb “bidet.” Nevertheless, I was pleasantly surprised (after realizing that it wasn’t)–especially with the formatting (because that must have taken you so long to do).

    Anyway, good post!

  3. Sara on July 12, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Lovely post, M. Smarty-Pants.
    My parents have a bidet at their abode and I spent many hours, as a wee, attempting to understand the purpose. The final concencious, after many tests, was that it was a drinking fountain.

  4. Wilson on July 12, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    To this day, more than two decades after the event, I clearly recall a good friend behaving uncharacteristically grumpy and antisocial. When I finally asked him what the problem was, he said with a trace of shame and sadness in his voice, “This morning… finger broke through the paper.” Afterwards, he smiled and his attitude improved. I sometimes wonder what type of murderous, psychopathic monster he might have gone on to become had he not shared that moment of humility with me.

    We would never have to worry about that in a Bidet World.

  5. AnnArrogance on July 12, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    “It never even crossed my mind that some people might take the used toilet paper… and throw it in the trash.”

    Oh, but they do. Apparently (and I do not know this part first hand, just what I’ve been told by friends from Mexico), it’s very common in Mexico because their sewage system/plumbing isn’t great in some areas.

    What I DO know first hand is that part of my old job at a retail shop involved emptying the trash every night. And you’ll never guess what kind of little presents I’d find in there occasionally… OK, you probably would guess. One time someone just wiped their nasty butt and left it on the floor. People are GROSS.

  6. CJ on July 12, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    I hate being a dirty American.

  7. CJ on July 12, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    And is bidet water warm or cold? Warm would be niiiiiice.

  8. Mr Bidet on July 16, 2010 at 9:37 am

    I had fun reading you post… very entertaining :-) Hey the Bidet is a good thing.

    Keep up the good work!