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Voodoo Dating: The Rockies

July 9, 2010

Brother Gnatalie was in Portland Town, the week previous, durrin’ some visiting and managed to turn me on to the Rocky movies. With the combined efforts of Boy Wonder, Gnat morphed me into an all-out Rocky fanatic and I think I’ve managed to watch one movie a day for the last five daze.

Nope, I haven’t seen any of the Rocky flicks before, nor the Godfather movies, and I will probably refuse to watch Napoleon Dynamite for the remainder of my thirties. I’m that annoying friend who has never seen the movie you’re probably going to talk about and is constantly questioning which actress belongs to whom and what film. The irony is that I really do know my cinema stuffings and (thanks to several years of schooling) can dissect features with the best of critics…provided I’ve actually viewed the movie.

The first adjective I maintained to Brother Gnat, about The Rockies, is that the films are charming*. True, there’s boxing going on and an overall sporty kind of feeling, but wading through Stallone’s mumble-babbleisms, is a definite love story. Actually, there are a couple love stories all up in Rocky’s Italians. We’ve got Rocky’s desire for fighting/boxing, Rocky’s…er…subtle affection for Adrian, and Rocky’s adoration and respect for the people (a.k.a. Mickey & Paulie) who believe in him and aid him on his ringside romps.

I will admit a desire to punch my own clavicle when I first started watching The Rockies, due to Stallone’s ‘accent’, and what I thought were idiotisms thrusting themselves from his mouth as well as his fists. However, lines like, ‘I just want to say hi to my girlfriend, OK? Yo, Adrian! It’s me, Rocky’ and ‘I wanna take you upstairs and violate you like a parking meter’ became strangely endearing as I started to understand that Rocky’s not a dolt, he simply is who he is. He’s a fighter, a husband who genuinely cares for his wife, and a student who is honestly looking to improve in his chosen profession. Personally, I don’t see how anyone could warrant anything more from Rocky. What’s not to love about these qualities in a man or a human being?

Stallone’s character might be faulted for his ‘dumbness’ in The Rockies, but what’s considered ‘dumb’, really? So I had to rewind the films a couple/several times to properly interpret Rocky’s pearls of knowledge, but I learned something. (And I learned the same thing each of the seven times Rocky attempted to drive his point home during a speech.) Here’s what’s to love about Rocky: What he lacks in conventional intelligence and coherence, he makes up for in authenticity and genuinecity.

I mean (insert your own Rocky voice), see here Adrian, ‘Myself, I’m not so good with the Mathematics because I never had my own numbers and when a girl doesn’t have her own numbers how’s she gonna learn to add ‘em and something? But what I do got is a keen eye for photo stuff. It’s like this good angel is always sittin’ on my shoulder telling me, “You don’t need those Mathematics to take photos because you got it inside and that’s what makes your heart go the distance. Because nobody’s ever gone the distance with Creed…er photography.”’

As a man, I would venture to say Rocky is pretty close to the perfect companion. It takes the big lug a while to get his point across and you wisely already knew where he was going fifteen minutes before he arrived, but he’s so darned loveable one really can’t interrupt or disagree. And what’s not to admire and respect about a guy who digs his wife and really wants to see her taken care of and happy? Rocky looks after his friends in his own randomly-gifting-gold-watches way, and making sure they know he appreciates them. He’s a pretty stand up Guy in my book.

Overall, this Skirt swooned to note that while the Southpaw acknowledges his shortcomings in intelligence, he also recognizes his true talents in fighting and boxing. Signore Balboa is the type of character who understands that there’s really no point in beating yourself down, as there are plenty of peeps to take it back for you. And, in this Tomato Can’s opinion, that earns him the million-to-one shot at his life, his friendships, his wife Adrian, and his heart.

*This is written with the exception of Rocky Balboa a.k.a. Rocky VI, which was so uniquely depressing and wrong to me that it flames…flames…on the side of my face…heaving…heaving breaths.

Seriously, no me gusta.



6 Responses to “ Voodoo Dating: The Rockies ”

  1. Nat on July 9, 2010 at 7:36 am

    You didn’t like Balboa? I loved it, perfect capper to the series to thematically return to its roots. (Though it never quite left.)

  2. Sara on July 9, 2010 at 9:55 am

    No, I didn’t care for Balboa. I thought it was a pretty cheap shot & a cop out at everything The Rockies had been building towards.

  3. Nat on July 9, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Cheap shot? There were some fan callbacks, but I thought it handled Stallone’s age really well, and the fact that he lost the fight was both realistic and a wonderful callback to the first film.

  4. Monte on July 9, 2010 at 10:27 am

    How about Rocky V? Did you actually like that one? Because even Stallone has apologized for V and said that he’d like it removed from the Rocky canon

  5. Hazz on July 9, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Growing up on the east coast, I’m actually a bit embarrassed that I not only could understand the “accent” as you put it, but could slip in and out of said dialect with ease. no, I ain’t kidd’n.

    I’m also a lover of bad movies. The “good” bad ones, and the “bad” bad ones. They keep me company during my insomniac missions, and remind me why some actors are considered top notch.

    Stallone aint’ one of the latter. While the Rockies and Rambo movies have pushed Mr. Sly onward and upwards, I’m still more impressed with the porno he shot many moons ago… Why? because it takes balls to actually let someone shoot your balls. Especially way back when. (knowing that you one day want to make non-sex movies). Granted the acting in that movie was worse then anything else the “Eye-tallian” stallion has been in, but the mere fact he was willing to bare it and share it, then go on to try and become a legit actor is heroic… it shows “chutzpah”. I think every actor or actress that is wanting to be the next big super star needs to have at least one porn under their panties or jockstrap…

    As for me, I liked all of the Stallion’s cinematic marvels, but for Rocky XXXLLLVV… (aka Balboa), because honestly aside from the “stellar” acting, the story itself had me wishing I had a razor and a bent wrist. Give me the underdog story, the “I must break you” line in mumbled Russian accent, over the depression that was Balboa. As I mentioned to a pretty lass… “It aint wonderland”…

    Now, to all you actresses out there trying to make it in movies… have you ever thought about nude body painting? what about a sex scene? How about you meet me in my trailer.

  6. Sara on July 9, 2010 at 10:39 am

    @ Nat: Rocky Balboa was terrific in calling back all the stuffings from the other movies, absolutely. The thing that made me sour is that girl who was ‘brought back’ (do do, do do) from Rocky I and portrayed as the quasi-love interest. Yes, I get that they wouldn’t have hooked up and I get that they needed someone to replace Adrian, but I think Adrian is a strong enough character that the idea of her presence could have been enough during Rocky VI. It just ticked me off because the main reason I loved The Rockies was for the affection Rocky had for Adrian and then utilizing some of that to bring about affection for himself and his career.
    @ Monte: Rocky V was my favourite and I’m totally geeked for for VII!
    @ Matt: Now, I could be wrong here, but I don’t think The Rockies are supposed to be ‘good’, but there is a glimmer of sincerity in each one that makes them so charming to me. PLUS, the ‘I must break you’ line was the best! EEEE!