I Stay Up Late And Bad Things Happen, Namely: ”Willie And Phil”
This is in no way intended to be any sort of review, but rather me sharing my (somewhat hazy, angry, delirious, confused, sleepy, angry again) experience with the movie Willie And Phil. It was a night not unlike most nights where I found myself unable to sleep and searching for distractions on my tiny television. As I was flipping through the channels, I noticed that a film staring Margot Kidder (she is one of those actresses whom I find very odd/borderline unpleasant, yet I cannot look away — there is mouth weirdness) was about to start. I took a sleeping pill, settled in on my couch, and began watching.
Willie And Phil is set in Greenwich Village sometime around 1970 and focuses on three main characters: Willie, Phil, and Jeanette (Margot Kidder AKA the only reason I am watching this crap). Willie is a school teacher, Phil is a photographer and Jeanette just does weird mouth stuff mostly (remember how Lois Lane would say “Shooperman” — well, this is worse because in this film Jeanette is tackling some kind of southern twang). Willie and Phil first meet as they are leaving a movie theatre and Phil randomly strikes up a conversation (you know like men strangers do) with Willie. Oh — and the whole film is narrated in storybook/fairytale fashion, so while Phil and Willie are meeting for the first time, a looming voice says, “Willie likes Phil. Phil likes Willie.”
After what seems to be months of montages (singing, smoking, playing jazz piano, taking pictures of each other, drinking, chess playing, wearing hats) later, they meet Jeanette in a park — I think she asked for part of Willie’s newspaper or something “cain ah baaroow thugh aintertaanmaint suction?” Just in case anything thus far is remotely unclear for the viewer, the looming voice clears things up for us: “Jeanette meets Phil. Jeanette meets Willie. Jeanette likes Willie and Phil. Willie and Phil and Jeanette will probably have the sex.”
Once again, the trio’s friendship and bond is demonstrated though a montage — very similar to the others, minus the chess playing, but with additional hat wearing. Soon after this it is established that Jeanette is out of money and needs a place to stay “aim bruuk en nade a pliis ta shtaa.” Both Willie and Phil offer up their places and Jeanette flips a coin to decide which man she will move in with. Willie wins the coin flip, Jeanette move in with him and they promptly bone before even unpacking. Regardless of this new (boning) dynamic, the three chums still hang out all the time and there are many more montages, etc.
Anyway, it is soon discovered (over chess I think “you love her. No, you love her. You love her more, blah, blah, blah”) that both Phil and Willie are in love with Jeanette — despite her mouth issues. It is also established that I am fading and mildly unconscious, but I did perk up just in time to hear Phil blurt out, “I want to drop acid tonight”– Jeanette to say, “ehts abawlt taam” and for Willie to sit there and grin like an idiot. They all drop acid, run around, put on hats, take pictures and then Phil and Jeanette bone while Willie watches. Meanwhile, the narrator lets us know that “Watching Phil and Jeanette do the sex made Willie very happy.”
OK — christ, this movie is long — Phil decides to move to California to “make it big” and Willie and Jeanette go to visit her family on their farm. Once on the farm, they walk around, have barn sex (which is exactly like kitchen sex only in a barn), get married, have a baby and I get very sleepy and drift off for a bit. When I wake up, Jeanette and her four-year-old daughter are living with Phil in California and Willie is somewhere in India without a shirt and his hair is really long. I have clearly missed some shit and now I am mad, but committed to watching the rest of this seemingly endless movie.
Fortunately, it wrapped up pretty quickly at this point. Willie comes to California — with a really long beard — the three of them walk along the beach together, Jeanette does cartwheels and says, “aim leavin bawlth of yewz.” Phil starts screaming and running around, Willie grins like an idiot and I finally go to bed. The End.