10 Things Men Should Never Wear*
*If they ever want to get laid again.
After ignoring the last few seasons of the voyeuristic train-wreck of a show called The Bachelorette/Bachelor for some reason I have been sucked into the latest cycle of The Bachelorette. I have made a habit of pouring a glass of wine, folding laundry, and watching Ali get betrayed by another fame-whore insincere douche-bag on a weekly basis.
It’s a guilty pleasure. This week, I was watching Ali and Ty partake on their one-on-one date. They rubbed one another down with oil at a Turkish steam bath, then had dinner (I think, don’t hold me to it, this is not a recap.) So, Ty is pleasant, and good looking, but not overly so.
Let’s just say I was enjoying the scenery. Then I saw it, in all its inappropriate gaudy glory: a man necklace. Bye, Ty. I may not be the most fashionable person on the planet, but I have a stringent list of no-nos when it comes to what can adorn a dude’s body. In my defense, almost every woman I know shares the same list of taboo items for any male she cares about. Listen and learn, guys.
The Man Necklace
I have yet to figure out why any guy feels the need to wear a necklace, unless it carries emergency health information. I don’t care if it is made of gold, silver, shark tooth, pooka shells, barb-wire, or a simple suede strand with a delicately dangling talisman, necklaces are fully unacceptable on men. ALWAYS. Case in point: the aforementioned Ty. See?
No, no, a thousand times no. Do you think women want to go out with some guy who is so nostalgic by his high school years that he has to commemorate it for all eternity on an appendage? It would be one thing if they were tastefully made, but no, they usually feature a craptacular piece of metal encircling an even crappier faux gemstone. This is the equivalent of costume jewelry for women. Blech.
*Actually, no rings should ever be worn besides a wedding band, that goes for the pinky and thumb ring as well.
Quite possibly the most egregious version of footwear for men, there are the unwelcome slides. Sparse, utilitarian and guaranteed to call attention to your hideous toes. I’m not calling you out on your toes specifically, but every one’s toes are hideous. Unsolicited exposure of toes should be avoided at all costs.
As all women know, highlights are a tricky thing to pull off. It is even harder for men to pull off, because the lethal combination of short hair +highlights often results in “the porcupine effect”, which is physically harmless, but aesthetically it is the kiss of death.
Unless you are dressing a head wound, there is no need to partake of the male headband, particularly if you are not participating in a grueling tennis match. Much as it pains me to tell you, this is not a fashion accessory.
The Barb-Wire Bicep Tattoo
Thankfully, these seem to have fallen out of fashion, but there for a while, they popped up everywhere, even on women (see the always classy Pamela Anderson.)
From buzzle.com: “Barbed wire tattoos have become popular because of its association with strength and tough attitudes. It is also known for being extremely strong and prickly, hence a tattoo like a barbed wire shows that the person is also very strong and prickly.”
Prickly? Since when do you want to advertise that trait?
Anything Higher Than An Ankle Sock
If a man chooses to wear shorts, it is imperative that if they wear socks as well, it must not be taller than an ankle. We’ve all seen the old men sporting their black knee-socks, and it is kind of cute and endearing. However, if you under the age of seventy, this is unacceptable. The following photo demonstrates the all too common sock/sandal combination that is sure to exclude you from any and all female canoodling.
*The exception here is if you are wearing pants. By all means, feel free to wear thigh-highs if this is the case. We can’t see it.
If you are over the age of twenty-five, lose the earring. I have been deeply scarred by my all time love Harrison Ford feeling the need to wear an earring into his twilight years. Why? It just looks goofy on men of a certain age. If I were Calista, I would remove that shit and flush it down the toilet while he slept. End of story.
The late journalist Ed Bradley (60 minutes) wore one as well, and it always threw me for a loop, seeing him interogating some world leader with that goddamn earring.
Capris aka “Manpris”
Now, I am not referring to the cargo short, I actually find those an acceptable short/pant hybrid for men, but when it is an all out capri, I just can’t take it seriously. It’s ridiculous. If you ever want to ensure that no woman pursues you, pull the manpri/slider combo. The best woman repellent ever.
So I was doing a little research on the historical origins of the ascot, I found out that it was used as a special necktie used in the nineteenth century for weddings and other special occasions, often secured with a stick pin.
As far as why you ought not wear one, I think this sentence says it all: “The famous dandy, Beau Brummell, was known to wear this form of neckwear,although it was generally worn as standard day wear by royalty and the upper classes, and also by the middle classes as evening wear.” source: articlebase.
Umm, WTF is a dandy, and why does he have a name like Beau Brummell? This is not ye old times, lose the ascot, ye modern men.
Ashton Kutcher and David Beckham frequently adorn their necks with this crap. Enjoy the following video of the ascot-wearing “cured” gay man. See kids, if you just put your mind to it, you won’t be gay anymore. Here’s proof, just check out this converted hunk of heterosexuality: