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In The Weeds: The Nanny Diaries

May 25, 2010

Next week will mark the one-year anniversary of my firing from The Capital Grille for writing this blog. Considering I haven’t held out my hand while someone gifts me with their gum in a cocktail napkin, apologized to a guest for not being able to produce carrot cake for dessert when it’s never been on the menu, or been asked to recite the 13 ingredients in the chopped salad in nearly a year, I think I’ve milked this serving blog boob for a pretty long time.

I will continue to post restaurant musings when they come to me, but I always write my best stuff when I’m simply writing about what I know and experience without trying to fit it into a certain category. If you have a spouse, a mortgage, a job, a disbelief that you might indeed never be famous, a love affair with food and wine, a borderline road rage issue, an addiction to coffee, an aversion to child rearing despite loving your children, a secret reality show fetish, a Netflix account, an evangelical mother, an atheist father, a hatred of insurance companies, an obsession with NPR’s This American Life, a distaste for Oprah’s very pushy No Phone Zone pledge or a tendency to laugh when other people fall and hurt themselves, then I think you may still enjoy reading my stuff.  I hope so anyway.

For today, I want to talk about hot nannies.  I was able to watch a screening of Sex and the City 2 tonight, and without giving away plot points, the movie raised the issue of attractive nannies.  I am confident enough in myself and know myself well enough to say unequivocally that I would certainly hire a hot nanny if she had the proper qualifications and training, loved the children and was a good fit for our family.  Oops…I left out some key words in that last sentence.  It should have read that I would certainly NEVER hire a hot nanny EVEN if she had the proper qualifications and training, AND ESPECIALLY IF she loved the children and EVEN WORSE if she was a good fit for our family.

I still clearly remember meeting a mom in my new neighborhood shortly after moving to KC from Chicago.  As we sat at her kitchen island and drank coffee, the back door opened and in walked an amazingly beautiful creature who looked to be around 22 years old.  She had perfect blond hair pulled into a ponytail, short exercise shorts showing her toned legs, no make-up and the face of a supermodel.  “Oh, hi Kelly!” said my new friend.  Turning to me, she said, “This is Kelly, our nanny.”  I tried not to creep Kelly out with too much staring, and mumbled something about it being nice to meet her.  As she bounded up the stairs to check on the kids, I couldn’t help myself.  “Are you serious?  That’s your nanny?  Are you insane?  Don’t you travel for work while she stays here?”
She said, “What?  Because she’s pretty?  I trust my husband.  He loves me.”
“I love being thin and not diabetic, but if you put a gallon a Baskin Robbins peanut butter-chocolate in front of me every night, good sense is eventually gonna lose.  Better to avoid unnecessary temptation at all costs.”

I wondered if I was just too insecure, but then realized it didn’t matter.  You can call me insecure, but you can’t call me stupid.   A few months later as I was interviewing nannies, I called up my sister and asked, “Would it be wrong of me to not hire someone because I thought she was too much of a Jesus freak?  I’m down to two candidates and can’t decide.”  My sister said, “If they are both qualified, just pick the ugliest one.”  My sister isn’t stupid either.

Here is my vision of the ideal nanny:

Here is my husband’s vision of the ideal nanny:

Here is my version of compromise:

I’m sure that most people would say I need to trust my husband and demonstrate a little more self confidence.  Horse shit.  Would he trust me with a “manny” like this?

(I heart you, Josh Duhamel).

So, tell me dear readers, would attractiveness play any role in your domestic hiring decisions?


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4 Responses to “ In The Weeds: The Nanny Diaries ”

  1. Matt on May 26, 2010 at 9:31 am

    When interviewing prospective nanny candidates, I am, in all actuality, interviewing for the position of future ex-wife.

  2. Jim on May 27, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Your assumptions are a little off.
    First, a man will always fantasize of their opportunities with a Victoria Secret model regardless if she’s a nanny. It doesn’t mean he will act on it the first chance he gets.

    Second, A man will, eventually, if offered over and over, take advantage even if the nanny looks related to Sasquatch.

    Your problem isn’t with whether the man would normally be unfaithful, it is with whether the nanny will be offering opportunites.
    Hire the Jeses “freak”. You odds are better that she won’t be offering.

  3. Kate on June 4, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Jim is completely right. I’m discovering more and more that women are truly the ones that dictate an affair. If she’s making advances, he’ll eventually bite. If he’s interested, but she’s not, it’s not gonna happen.
    You are definitely not stupid. We all trust our guys, but we have to trust the nanny, too. If she cares more about showing up to work looking smokin’ hot than ready to play with the kids, no thanks.

  4. waitress on June 6, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Now that most of us have seen “Sex and the City” and I can give away a bit more, I have to say that since Charlotte’s situation really worked out, maybe you should be asking your prospective nannies about their sexual orientation. In fact, I think hiring a gay manny would be even better! Unless that is, you have doubts about your husbands orientation that is.

    I am still stuck in the weeds for now myself, but I enjoy reading your blog, even when it ventures out of the kitchen.