In The Weeds: Sex, Drugs and Mini Vans. A retrospective.
I won’t get into the details of who/what/why/where, but suffice to say that a very convincing pusher recently came into my life and offered me a drug I had never tried. For free. Always up for a good high and especially a free one, I folded like a hinge and agreed to give it a go despite the fact that needles are required to partake of this special sauce. I’ve always been a “it must come from the earth” kind of girl, but all that morality went out the window three weeks ago when I allowed someone I barely knew to shoot me up….with Botox. And just like that one time with mushrooms shortly after college, I’m pretty convinced that this is the drug for me.
As my 34-year-old self stared at my 27-year-old reflection in the mirror yesterday, I starting thinking about how a life (and a face) can change in some pretty significant ways in just seven years. Of course, you couldn’t detect that I was thinking…because I can’t move my eyebrows. But nevertheless, I was pretty surprised (again, no evidence…the, um…eyebrows) at how the snap shot of what characterizes a life changes so quickly. For example:
Job – New York Bagel Shop Sandwich Artist
Music – The Offspring
Jeans – FCUK
Number of Weekly Sexual Encounters – 0.2
Drugs of Choice – Midori Sours and Shake Baked Goods
Job – Luxury Hotel Middle Management
Music – Coldplay
Jeans – Seven for All Mankind
Number of Weekly Sexual Encounters – 14.4
Drugs of Choice – Grey Goose and Anything Rolled in Flavored Papers
Car – Something With a Third Row, Good Gas Mileage and Side Curtain Airbags
Music – Yo Gabba Gabba’s Musical Guests
Jeans – Baldwin Demin (the only truly cool thing I got going on right now)
Number of Weekly Sexual Encounters – 1.5
Drugs of Choice – Boxed Wine and Botox
It all seems tragically depressing when viewed at a glance, doesn’t it? If I could furrow my brow, I would certainly cry. I’m hoping that by the time I reach 41 and look 34, this trajectory toward uncoolness will have reversed itself back towards something that seems more recognizably…me. Of course, that may take some heavier ammunition, like anti-depressants and collagen fillers.