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In The Weeds: Sex, Drugs and Mini Vans. A retrospective.

May 18, 2010

I won’t get into the details of who/what/why/where, but suffice to say that a very convincing pusher recently came into my life and offered me a drug I had never tried.  For free.  Always up for a good high and especially a free one, I folded like a hinge and agreed to give it a go despite the fact that needles are required to partake of this special sauce.  I’ve always been a “it must come from the earth” kind of girl, but all that morality went out the window three weeks ago when I allowed someone I barely knew to shoot me up….with Botox.  And just like that one time with mushrooms shortly after college, I’m pretty convinced that this is the drug for me.

As my 34-year-old self stared at my 27-year-old reflection in the mirror yesterday, I starting thinking about how a life (and a face) can change in some pretty significant ways in just seven years.  Of course, you couldn’t detect that I was thinking…because I can’t move my eyebrows.   But nevertheless, I was pretty surprised (again, no evidence…the, um…eyebrows) at how the snap shot of what characterizes a life changes so quickly.  For example:

Age 20

Car – 1989 Honda PreludeHonda Prelude

Job – New York Bagel Shop Sandwich Artist

Music – The Offspring

Jeans – FCUK

Number of Weekly Sexual Encounters – 0.2

Drugs of Choice – Midori Sours and Shake Baked Goods

Age 27

Car – 2003 Volkswagen Jetta

Job – Luxury Hotel Middle Management

Music – Coldplay

Jeans – Seven for All Mankind

Number of Weekly Sexual Encounters – 14.4

Drugs of Choice – Grey Goose and Anything Rolled in Flavored Papers

Age 34

Car – Something With a Third Row, Good Gas Mileage and Side Curtain Airbags

Job – Mom (and whatever else will bring in enough to cover the car payment)The Shins on Yo Gabba Gabba

Music – Yo Gabba Gabba’s Musical Guests

Jeans – Baldwin Demin (the only truly cool thing I got going on right now)

Number of Weekly Sexual Encounters – 1.5

Drugs of Choice – Boxed Wine and Botox

It all seems tragically depressing when viewed at a glance, doesn’t it?  If I could furrow my brow, I would certainly cry.  I’m hoping that by the time I reach 41 and look 34, this trajectory toward uncoolness will have reversed itself  back towards something that seems more recognizably…me.  Of course, that may take some heavier ammunition, like anti-depressants and collagen fillers.


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4 Responses to “ In The Weeds: Sex, Drugs and Mini Vans. A retrospective. ”

  1. bigcrockofgold on May 18, 2010 at 11:56 am

    You know that with me and the guys you’ve got your own MILF fan club…you don’t need the Botox…we like you just the way you are, baby poop stains and all.

  2. Mr Smarty Pants on May 18, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    That’s the John Mayer song that turned me into a fan! Totally kick ass. Lyrically, musically, totally; fucking awesome!

  3. JanR on May 19, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Charity, you make Tuesdays worth living with your insightful posts. And now you turn me on to great music too?!? You rock..!

  4. Payton Butler on July 12, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Botox is quite dangerous if it not properly administered by qualified doctors-”: