A Nightmare on Wyoming Street
I am quite fond of tattoos on other people, I have seen some genuinely interesting and beautiful body art and have an appreciation for it when it’s done well. That said, I don’t have any myself and have no intention of getting them in the future…it just isn’t my thing. I am too old and too chicken and too afraid of permanence – plus, I would feel like someone impersonating a cooler person than myself and I could never live with the physical reminder of that insincerity.
This truth about me makes the dream I had so unusual. In it, I desperately (inexplicably) wanted a tattoo: a teeny, tiny, fancy chandelier (like you do?) on MY ASS. My reasoning at the time was such that I felt an ass location would make my tattoo more discreet, as only someone who knew me intimately would ever see it. I went to the local tattoo parlour and sat for hours while someone worked on me. When I got home to look at my new body art piece in the mirror, I was horrified to discover that I did not receive a tattoo of an elegant chandelier as I had desired, but rather a clunky, ordinary lamp. But not just any clunky, ordinary lamp – a fucking HUGE lamp that started at the top of my ass with the lamp shade wrapped around my hip on one side, reaching around to my L’Origine du Monde on the other. As if my lamp tattoo weren’t heinous enough, it also included a crappy, cheap-looking cord that wrapped around my knee ending on the back of my calf. There is no angle on my body where such a thing would be flattering…also, the tattoo itself was super ugly. And BIG. Adding unfathomable insult to injury – I realized that when I would wear skirts, you would see a cord and plug-in thingie dangling (apparently) from my bottom. OH GOD. It was terrible…I could only imagine the pain involved in getting that bastard removed with a laser (near my lady business!!) and the worst of it is, I woke up believing that is was true. Chilling.
Anyways, in case the mental image I have given you isn’t sufficient, I have enclosed a rough drawing for your enjoyment. You. Are. Welcome.