In The Weeds: Mormons Got It Going On
Yes, I risk pissing off an entire religion today with my observations, but before that happens, let me just say for the record that I know the Mormon church officially denounced polygamy more than a hundred years ago and that the Fundamentalist sect is the only branch that “officially” recognizes and embraces polygamy. But, dang. After the week I’ve had, I think we should all be taking a real hard look at this whole monogamy thing, and if we’re real honest, I think we should be asking if we monogamous types aren’t the freaks who deserve our own HBO series.
I wrote last time about how having kids ruins everything. I really was at the end of my rope. But then, like manna from heaven, my husband’s mother and grandmother arrived on short notice to stay with us for 10 days. Most women would flip out at the thought of having their in-laws as house guests for so long, and I’ll admit I was a little worried. I mean, we do only have one bathroom.
But after the first day, I came home from work and my kids were all cleaned up and cute, dinner was on the table and the laundry had been washed, dried and folded. And I saved a hundred dollars by giving the nanny the day off. Hello.
Right around the time that I was doing the dishes while my mother-in-law bathed the children and grandma was vacuuming, I really started giving it some thought. And the thought was something like, “Why the F have I been killing myself trying to do all this alone? Nobody can do it alone. Noooobody. You can ask the hubs for help, but then you’re just nagging. And he’s not really gonna help. He’s going to wander around trying to look like he’s helping. But he’s not helping. Next, we’ll fight for 20 minutes about who is doing what.”
And after just a few short days, it was glaringly obvious. I need a couple of wives. Duh.
Larger society, including myself, has looked at polygamy through a strictly sexual lens and sees it as something seedy and depraved that only serves the male. And that’s why polygamist women are geniuses. They have us all believing that they are repressed, prairie-skirt wearing wall flowers who are taken advantage of due to lack of education and opportunity. But they’ve got it all figured out. They get 1) financial security 2) a third of the housework of single wives 3) the option to work or stay home without paying for child care 4) built-in friendships and 5) way less blow jobs.
Granted, I have been able to enjoy the extra help around the house these last several days without any of the jealousy issues that a new 25-year-old hottie might bring to the marriage, but it would be a tough call if I had to choose between saving my ego or unloading the dishwasher for the 15th time this week. Let the new wife do it. I’m going to have a glass of wine and watch Law & Order.