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Pants Random Rants

May 6, 2010

Five random things that piss me off:

The Iceland Volcano
I was supposed to be in Ft. Worth on business this week, but there’s a critical widget that I need for the trip, and it’s currently sitting in Italy. UPS can’t ship it from Italy to London, then from London to Chicago, then from Chicago to Kansas City, because the volcano is belching out ash all over Europe, and their jets can’t (safely) fly through the ash. Thus, the Iceland volcano f*cked up my trip. Two thumbs down and middle fingers up for the volcano.

Seven Mary Three
Look, I realize it’s been years since the incident.  I wrote a letter apologizing for my actions, and for what it’s worth, that was the first and only time I’ve ever taken a swing at somebody’s tour manager (I didn’t know who he was), and subsequently been thrown (literally) out of a club. Chalk it up to too much beer, and the fact that your tour manager was probably being an asshole. Still, you guys could have wrote back and acknowledged my letter. And if not the letter, you could have at least acknowledged the helpful tape I sent with it.  I mean, it’s not like ya’ll can rightfully be arrogant or anything; you didn’t exactly set the world on fire after “Cumbersome” now did ya?  What the hell are you guys even doing now?  Whatever it is, you should probably take it up with that douche-bag tour manager.

It’s plant ejaculate, it’s bullshit, and it doesn’t agree with me. Seriously, it’s like, couldn’t you guys figure out a way to get your plant ejaculate where it needs to go without just…literally…throwing it to the wind, and letting it land where it may? How would you like it if mammals pulled that shit? Grow-the-f*ck-up and EVOLVE you damned plants!

Liquor Snobs
Not you whine drinkers; I don’t give a shit what you think. [audible scoff] No, my beef is with you Scotch-snobs out there. Technically, this should be titled “Scotch Snobs”. There are two types Scotch snobs: The helpful and the sorry-ass-bastards. At some point in your life, you will almost certainly write a blog post about Scotch, and when you do, the Scotch Snobs will come out of the f*cking woodwork. About half of them say helpful things, like this:

“The Balvenie, The Macallan and Highland Park. Glenlivet/Glenfiddich (there’s not much difference) are boring to me. I hate to say it, but they are like the Sam Adams of single malt Scotch. Better than the cheap stuff (Budweiser and blended whisky), but why bother drinking those two when there’s a whole world of much more distinct and interesting flavors out there? If you’re paying single malt prices, you should get something good.”

Or this…

“Good rookie list, nothing surprising. The Glenlivet 12yr I don’t care for, never have. I do like the Glenlivet Nadurra cask strength, though. I actually like the Glenfiddich 15yr. Not earth-shattering, but a good value scotch. Way better than the 12yr. The Macallan 12yr is good, but I’m not a huge Macallan fan. I actually prefer the 10yr fine oak barrel over the 12yr. The Balvenie 12yr double-wood is one of my favourite scotches. HP12yr is okay, but no way it ranks better than Macallan or Balvenie. Rookie drinkers…

He’s going to have to change his whole ratings scale once he discovers Islay malts. Nothing will put more hair on your chest than a dram of Laphroaig cask strength. Well, maybe puberty, but that’s it.

Here’s five scotches he should give a whirl when he gets the chance:

  • Cragganmore 12yr – Salty, slightly smokey Speyside single malt.
  • Caol Ila 12yr – Welcome to Islay, also known as flavour country. Smooth, fruity, peaty goodness. This is the Islay malt I like to introduce new scotch drinkers to in regards to Islay. Not as aggressive as Laphroaig or as complicated as Lagavoulin.
  • Talisker 10yr – Isle of Skye malt. Spicy, smokey, fruity. This scotch is so damn good.
  • Glenfarclas 12yr – Central Highland malt. One of the few family-owned distilliries left in Scotland. Spicy yet smooth.
  • Yamazaki 12yr- Japan makes a good single malt. Believe it.”

And the other half will say some lame-ass shit like this:

“These people should be drinking bourbon or brandy.”

F*ck you. Brandy is a junior-high girl. Brandy is a pussy liquor.

Regarding the “difference” between agnostics and atheists…there isn’t any. Fundamentally, atheism is a statement about belief (epistemology), not about reality (metaphysics). A theist is a person who believes in a God or Gods, whereas an atheist is a person who does not. It’s really not any more complicated than that.

Now, for all you agnostics out there, you either (A) Have a belief in a God, or (B) you don’t. If you don’t, I don’t give a shit why (whether you don’t have enough information, whether the question is meaningless, etc), at the end of the day, you either have that belief or you don’t.

So there it is agnostics: Welcome to the dark side! Reminds me of that joke: There are 10 types people in this world; those that understand binary, and those that do not.


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2 Responses to “ Pants Random Rants ”

  1. Nat on May 6, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Dead on with the scotch snobs–now go after the casual drinkers who drink it only to make themselves sound sophisticated. Back when I worked for some hunting magazines, you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a spec article written by a guy whose dog was missing several key limbs, built his own gun, and used rocks for shot–yet each one ended with a careful emphasis on how the author “earned” his nondescript flagon of single-malt, which I imagine tasted not unlike turpentine and horse blood.

  2. Dad on July 7, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Enjoyed this almost as much as “In the Weeds” but of course I am biased.