Notes From A Walkman Junkie: The Spring (Creep) Season Is Upon Us
“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.”–William Shakespeare. Indeed it hath, but I would also add to that sentiment, “and a creep on every corner.” The lovely Spring weather seems to have put a bounce in everyone’s step (and unwelcome advances in every sketchy man’s heart.) Due to some recent construction issues, I have been parking a good deal further away from work than usual and have, weather (and construction workers) permitting, greatly enjoyed the extra little jaunt. Last week, however, my normally pleasant and relatively (save massive sneezing fits and embarrassing wardrobe issues) uneventful walk was a bit tousled about.
I was walking along one day, side-stepping the usual daily obstructions (random socks and church goers), when a car slowed down beside me and the man inside called out, “Excuse me, hi. I just saw you and thought I would say hi. What is your name? Where do you live? Where are you going? Do you like puppies and weather? How many fingers am I holding up?” (I may have paraphrased those last ones a bit, but you get the idea.) Eventually, we were forced to stop at a traffic light (which he totally could have made had he not been going 3.2 miles per hour in order to continue the one-sided questions and comments portion of our journey), so I turned to him and simply stated, “this is weird” and continued on my way.
In an attempt to perhaps avoid another one of these unwanted meetings, I (illegally) parked a touch closer to work the following day only to return to my car and find that I had been slapped with a parking ticket (on which the cop had actually taking the time to draw a crude and obvious illustration of the no parking sign that was directly above my car – which was basically as if he had drawn a stick figure of me smacking myself in the forehead). Just when I thought that I had made my regrettable decisions and unpleasant weirdo encounters quota for the week, I was struck again while shopping at the grocery store.
After entering the store, I began to peruse some of the various food items and immediately felt the looming presence of a man who was standing right behind me, and unquestionably way too close for my comfort. I started to feel a little anxious and was reminded of one x-mas when my brother was little and opening some presents as my grandfather stood behind him watching. My brother, suddenly feeling too observed, snapped and yelled back at my sweet granddad, “Stop looking at me, you’re making me nervous!” In retrospect, I wish I had responded in a similar fashion to the man in the store, but I let it go and moved on. Well, this guy moved right along with me.
As the disturbing man continued to materialize behind me in every aisle, I started to get a very bad vibe, but tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and rationalized that maybe we just had identical grocery lists (consisting of Cliff bars, bunny litter, mascara, vodka and tampons.) It was only after I noticed that he really was not picking up anything to purchase that I began to panic and suspect that my initial (this guy is gross and scary) intuition was spot-on. At one point I thought about just throwing a box of tampons at him and running, but chose to just scowl at him with an “I’m on to you pal” look and hustled over to the checkout line.
The man, once again, followed closely behind me and stood next to me in line with his two random (I believe one can of corn and some bandaids) items, neither of which, by the way, were on “our” lists. Wanting desperately to get the hell out of there and away from Mr. Creepypants, I grabbed my bag of purchased goods, broke into a trot and sped off in my car. I was about halfway home when I realized that I had forgotten the mascara. Dammit.
By chance if you have not had your fill of fun creep stories, please check out one of my previous posts entitled “The Creep Whisperer.” I am attaching “I’m Getting Too Old For This” by Avi Buffalo because it just feels right, enjoy.