In The Weeds: Hover Craft
Ladies, there are few things in which I’d consider myself an expert. They are, in fact, two.
1) Getting out of speeding tickets
2) Hovering while pissing
Given the much higher volume of public restroom peeing vs. cop encounters in average life, I will share my secrets on #2 with you today (well…technically speaking, #1. #2 in public is simply never to happen). Follow these tips to the letter and you will find yourself in and out of even the stickiest of bathroom situations in record time.
- Selection – As in martial arts, the first rule is to avoid conflict. When possible, choose high-end locales with tumbled stone walls, granite surfaces, marble tops and an hourly cleaning chart. But when you find yourself in a restroom on any of the other 364 days of the year, use the remainder of this column as your guide.
- Speed – While not supported by hard science (yet), I am of the belief that the less time spent in close contact with stranger SP&P (Shit, Piss & Pubes), the better. Take advantage of drunk girls not paying attention and cut in line. Controversial? Sure. But 9 times out of 10, nobody is sober enough to notice. If they do, lock the door and wait it out.
- Squat – The squat and its proper execution is the keystone to success in this entire operation. You must employ a textbook hover, which includes:
* A nearly ninety degree angle at the knees. Do not attempt the lazier 45 degree “tilt.” At best, you will piss all over the seat. At worst, you will piss all over your clothes. Aid your balance by resting your forearms on your knees, and lower yourself until just above the seat. Wearing high heels? Too drunk to balance? No excuses! Practice, bitches.
* Keeping your head up. Do not attempt to better your aim or avoid splashing by looking between your knees. This almost always results in a face plant into the bathroom floor (a much dirtier option than a dirty backside) or an actual splashing of your face. Ew.
- Swipe – Be friendly and do a quick swipe of the seat with balled-up toilet paper roughly equal in diameter to a highly-inflated kickball. This is the minimum size required to avoid jumpy germs. Unlike my other claims, this IS supported by hard science.
Follow these tips, wash your hands, roll your eyes at those stumbling hoes and fluff your hair on the way out the door. You’ll be back to your table and sipping on that drink in less than 2 minutes. If you’ve broken the seal, repeat every 21 minutes until safely back to your home toilet.