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Voodoo Dating: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

April 2, 2010

Those who know me know that I am awesome. (I think this way because no one else is going to do it for me.) In being awesome, one would assume that I haven’t been ‘dropped’ a lot in past relationships…and one would be correct. In all honesty, that just means the number of times I haven been broken up with have made for some pretty lame excuses. I haven’t heard every excuse in the book, but the ones I have received were considerably lame. The lamest being ‘I’m fat’.

I was one hundred and fifty pounds in High School and five foot nine. I wasn’t the thinnest chick at the chalkboard, but I wasn’t terrifically overweight either. The real tragedy of this is the complete lack of creativity in the break up excuse. I mean, seriously, I was in High School and that alone presents boundless opportunities for mini-dramas. Read: I never shared my 2% milk at lunch, I refused to acknowledge B.U.M. Equipment as a brand, I didn’t put out, etc. Not only was my ex settling on ‘I’m fat’ disappointing, but also it was pretty insulting. (Although, this came from a Boy who removed one of his own wisdom teeth with a pair of pliers, a piece of wood, and a bottle of Jack Daniels because he was too afraid to go to a Dentist. Gah?!)

Mount Soapbox: I don’t get a bang out of personally insulting people and I think it’s tacky when others do. I find it tiring listening to belittling comments regarding body types, skin colours, status symbols, and I could very happily live the rest of my life without gay bashing and name calling. I fail to see the accomplishments in being cruel towards others, but if that’s your game I’ll schedule my Mah Jongg tournament that day. Dismount.

Since I’m not planning on changing the world, or even out of my socks this day, I’ll just provide creative reasons to break up with someone.

  • I got us tickets to Yanni!
  • THE PERSIAN RUG IS ON FIRE!!! (Courtesy of College Chum K.P.  Say the line and then hang up immediately-this also works for unwanted sales calls.)
  • I’m breaking up with you. Your boobs just aren’t big enough for the both of us.
  • Give me back my keys.
  • You’ve become a bigger Maroon 5 fan than I am. (Yes, I am currently listening to this band…break things off, Boy Wonder, I DARE you.)
  • I have trouble looking into both of your eyes at once.
  • Sorry, wrong Brother.
  • Do you have a religious status against ketchup and tortillas chips?
  • When consulting the Magic Date Ball, all signs pointed to ‘Not so much’.
  • Isn’t six and a half years long enough?
  • This isn’t easy and neither are you.
  • Maybe I just need to be with someone who will let me look at porn.
  • You took out one of your wisdom teeth with a pair of pliers, a piece of wood, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. What in Heaven made you think I would continue this relationship?!

With all the resources and feelings we have available, there are more than enough ways to creatively leave your lover. One needn’t get snippy or insulting, just make a new plan, Stan.


6 Responses to “ Voodoo Dating: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover ”

  1. hazMatt on April 2, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    You are awesome… and pretty.

    Now, I see what you’re saying about “it’s not me it’s you… you’re still here and I want you “not here”"… but would these suggestions work on the female of the couple?

  2. Sara on April 2, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Thank you, it’s fun being pretty: )
    I would like to think these excuses would work on both males and females as I would have much preferred to here any one of them rather than ‘you’re fat’.

  3. Nicole on April 2, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    I have trouble looking into both of your eyes at once.

    I could actually use this one…but since I am now the mother of his child…probably should refrain.

  4. Erica on April 2, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Leave it to the Magic Date Ball to shed some light on a lousy situation :) I am always a fan of “call me when you get your sh*t together,” knowing that I will never receive that call.

  5. rosie on April 2, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    you ARE awesome, but that was NOT “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.” at the rate of your hilarity, i wish it was.

  6. Sara on April 2, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Nicole, I think using that line would be appropriate for any and all situations: )
    E-the Magic Date Ball is sooo useful for all things dating and traveling! (And in some situations, decorating!)
    Many thanks, Rosie, I shall attempt to cover fifty some other time to ensue future hilarity.