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10 Least Shocking Celebrity Revelations

March 31, 2010

A few days ago Ricky Martin came out and announced online that he is gay.

Oh Ricky. It’s so cute that you actually thought that we didn’t know that you were gay. Truth is, most of us had this figured out years ago. P.S. It’s no big deal now, people come out every day. In honor of Ricky’s completely un-schocking revelation, here are 10 more.

Clay Aiken: “ I’m gay.”  Knock me over with a feather boa!  If you were one of the twenty or so people who watched American Idol (season 2) and thought Clay Aiken was straight, I’d like to shake your hand.  Also, you would make a great fiction writer, what with that wild imagination and all.

Pam Anderson:  ”I have hepatitis.”  Hmm.  That’s a new one, but not really all that shocking.  Decades of sexcapades and needles (hey I’m talking about the tattoos) left former playmate Anderson with the Hepatitis C virus, which she claims came from sharing a tattoo needle with former squeeze Tommy Lee.  The important thing here is that Pam learned her lesson, cleaned up her image, and now leads a healthy lifestyle.  Oh, wait-never mind.

Mark McGwire: “I took steroids.”  You’re kidding.  I thought you naturally went from this to this by eating your spinach.

Jesse James, Tiger Woods, and  John Edwards, etc: “I made a mistake.”  No shit, sherlock.

Angelina Jolie: “Not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love.”  With this statement, Jolie confirmed what anybody with eyeballs already knew; Jolie and Brad Pitt were having an affair on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Jolie finally quit denying the infidelity, and tries to spin it as a love story.

Keith Richards: “The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father.” I realize that this is supposed to shock and titillate, but when I heard this, I yawned.  Look at Richards.  It makes perfect sense coming from him.

Debbie Rowe (mother of Michael Jackson’s children):  ”Michael was not the biological father of our children. ”  No, of course not, because that would have required Jackson have sex with a woman.

Lisa Rinna: “I look like a freak.”  This last year, Rinna has been a little more candid and forthcoming about her all the “work” she has had done.  Here she states the obvious.

Kirstie Alley:  ”I don’t like to eat very many vegetables.”  Kind of figured that one out on my own, Kirstie.  Good luck with that diet show.

Kenny Rogers: “I’m the plastic surgery king. I’m a bionic man! ”  When Kenny appeared on American Idol, he was unrecognizable.  Had it not been for his introduction, you literally could not tell it was him.  But hey, way to own it, Kenny.



2 Responses to “ 10 Least Shocking Celebrity Revelations ”

  1. frank on March 31, 2010 at 8:46 am

    debbie rowe never said michael jackson wasn’t the father of his kids, that’s tabloid trash.

  2. FrothygirlzCJ on April 2, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Jackson was the father, he just wasn’t the sperm donor.


    Hilarious! Especially the creepy photo of the Gambler.