In The Weeds: Top 5 Nightmare Celebrity Restaurant Guests
Every other week or so, a story comes out about a celebrity and his or her bad behavior in a restaurant. Being a pathetic celebrity gossip monger and a long-time server, I seek these stories out like a fat girl scrounging for stray fries under the car seat. They mostly involve how terribly the celeb tipped (i.e. OK! Magazine says Robert Pattinson left $50 on $380 – so you know it’s true!) or what a mess they left of the place (i.e. Amy Winehouse hurled spaghetti at a wall because it was too hot – noooo, that doesn’t sound like her!)
I heard on the news yesterday that Brad Pitt snapped at a waitress who asked him if “everything was alright.” He responded with a loud, “If it wasn’t, I would let you know.” She apparently went off crying and someone else took the table. Puh-leeze. Brad Pitt could one-step* me all night and leave me 10 percent, and I would still be smiling. You get to look at Brad Pitt in close proximity for a decent amount of time and eavesdrop on his conversation. That’s a total auto grat. In the end, he apologized to her and gave her $50. He must still have lingering guilt about mistreating a woman at some time in his past. Yep. It’s a mystery.
While watching a well-known old person blathering on TV the other night (find out who at #1), the thought occurred to me that I would really hate to wait on him. And then I thought of several other celebrities that would make for server nightmares. Here’s my top five:
5. Cast of “The Real Housewives” (any region … but particularly Atlanta for obvious reasons)
Okay, so they don’t really count as celebrities but screeching banshee bitches who think they are celebrities would be a seriously disturbing serving experience. It would be slightly worse than serving the women of “The View.” If you don’t believe me, check out some actual restaurant behavior from the New Jersey “ladies.”
4. Nadya Suleman
After treating her uterus like a clown car, Octomom has been photographed out and about at various restaurants recently. Table or booth? Oh, just whatever fits 8 high chairs and 6 boosters would be great.
3. Lindsay Lohan
I’d hate to serve Linds only because I don’t carry a sharps container all the time.
2. Glenn Beck
In November 2006, Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first Muslim U.S. congressman, appeared on Glenn Beck. Beck told him, “I have been nervous about this interview with you because what I feel like saying is, ‘Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.’” This prompted Jon Stewart to comment, “Finally, a guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.”
Glenn Beck is a dick. Plain and simple. And people who are dicks in public are generally even bigger dicks to their servers.
1. Andy Rooney
While he may have been relevant at some point, Rooney is really starting to piss me off. I actually wrote a complaint letter to the 60 Minutes producers last year after Old Man Eyebrows spent his season premiere segment complaining about how tough it is to be on vacation each year for 3 ½ months in a row. Best estimates put his salary at roughly $12,000 to $19,000 per week. 263,000 Americans lost their jobs that month, and I thought he was being a tad insensitive.
But his commentaries are mostly blathering wastes of time that take randomness to a whole new level. He seems like the type of guest who complains that you got his order wrong, when he doesn’t remember what he ordered because he wouldn’t stop talking. And he’s senile. Happens all the time. Plus, his age alone puts him in the 12% tipper category.
* One-Stepping = asking for one thing at a time instead of bundling requests and therefore causing the server to waste precious time running around on your behalf. Don’t do that.