Denim Menace: Men Who Wear Skinny Jeans
Regarding men in skinny jeans, I would like to protest - and quote the Most Interesting Man In The World, “if I can count the coins in your pocket, then you better use them to call your tailor.”
Fellas, a word, if you please. In many ways you are dressing in a manner that feels like you have me in mind specifically – your common goal being to please me visually with your sartorial choices. I am delighted to see so many of you wearing beards and half beards, embracing argyle sweater vests and I just love that the western-style, plaid, button-down shirt has come into vogue – but there is a popular trend among you that needs to be addressed and swiftly squashed. I am referring, dear lads, to your proclivity to adorn your lower halves with skin-tight, itty-bitty, skinny jeans – otherwise known to me as The Denim Menace.
Men in skinny jeans were in abundance in Austin during the sxsw film festival – one could scarcely throw a cat without spotting that particularly revealing, junk-showcasing fashion at any given moment or location. The abhorrent trend is not limited to the US either - as the Roman’s salted the earth, skinny jeans have left their mark of desecration in cities all over the world with their repellent curse. Upon my recent arrival in the UK, I noticed that The Denim Menace has infected much the male population as well - at least 3 in 5 gentlemen are likely to have encased their thighs in what is essentially ladies’ tights made out of pants materials.
And here’s the thing. Even in the best case scenario in which the wearer is fantastically well-built, these pants are not flattering. At all. Your ass could be muscled perfection, your legs’ glorious stems of magic and you will still look ridiculous in skinny jeans – BELIEVE. For the sake of brevity, I will give you two good reasons why this needs to stop (though there are many others worth mentioning as well).
1. I can see ALL OF YOUR BALLS.
2. In the event that the former reason is a positive thing and the attention that you have drawn to your penis area proves to be enticing – conversely, highlighting the delicacy of your ankles does little to convince ladies or gentlemen that having sex with you will be a good idea. (Also, skinny jeans give you women’s hips.)
Of course, my caveat is that I am not a particularly stylish or attractive dresser (and yes, I must confess to owning a pair of skinny jeans myself…but! but! They tuck into boots well and the nice ankles thing works differently on girl type persons - so I have my reasons, is my point) so I could be wrong…but I highly doubt it. A grain of salt, take it with one.