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In The Weeds: Refire

March 16, 2010

This is a “refire” column that had its first run in August 2009.  I don’t have any excuses (except that I have a full-time job, two kids under 5, and a new Netflix account.   And last week’s column was super duper long).  Enjoy…again.

Guys, we need to talk.  No, not all of you…just you guys.  Yes, you there.  The men.  Ladies, you may be excused until next week.  Go have a girls’ night out.  But please, don’t forget that if you must split the check, split it evenly.  And good heavens to Betsy, please put away those calculators and stop doing visible math scribbles on the check and just tip 20%.  Mwa.  Kisses.  Have fun now.

Okay men, listen.  I’ve been beating up on women in my column for months now about how they don’t tip as well, how they sit too long at the table, how they insist on separate checks, how they ask for too many food modifications, how they have an almost military obsession with ensuring that decaf coffee is indeed being poured and on and on.  You’ve gotten off pretty scot-free and unscathed.  But not today.

In recent years, the strict lines of gender behavior have gotten a little blurred.  Men can wear expensive jeans, shop moisturizers at Neimans, highlight their hair and get a mani/pedi without being called gay.  The term “metrosexual” has you guys covered.  But I don’t think that men should just order any old thing off the menu no matter how great it sounds after a steam at the gym or an exfoliating facial.  Some things are on the menu just for the ladies.

We may get there some day guys, but right now about the most feminine thing you can order without your server secretly wondering if your wife knows about your boyfriend is ahi tuna.  Here is a list of some food and drink items considered seulement pour les dames:

  • Filet cut of steak
    Tender, flavorful, boneless, juicy. Girly.
  • Grilled chicken breast
    If you must, order it as part of a sandwich with bacon, fried onions and BBQ sauce. Never ever on top of a Caesar salad.
  • Spring mix salad
    Frisee and radicchio lettuce with goat cheese, pears, candied walnuts and plum vinaigrette is delicious. But do you want a really good salad or do you want to get laid?
  • Mimosa
    Go ahead.  Look manly holding that champagne flute.
  • Cappuccino
    Coffee or espresso.  Those are your choices.
  • Crab cake
    Usually soft and slippery, you are forced take tiny, dainty bites while giggling as it repeatedly falls off your fork.
  • Anything with a splash of cranberry
    It turns your drink pink and does not enhance the flavor enough to drink a drink which is pink.
  • Frozen drinks
    On a beach?  Go ahead.  Landlocked in Kansas City?  Come on.
  • Lobster tail
    IF you order this with a big ol’manly steak like a ribeye or strip, that’s fine.  Lobster tail as an entrée unto itself is meant to be eaten by someone wearing a dress and strappy heels.  Under no circumstances should you place the ultimate feminine order of lobster tail with a filet.
  • Hummus
    Hummus is one of the most popular appetizers ordered by groups of women, second only to spinach and artichoke dip.  If you’ve got to have it, call it in to go and eat it in your car – like a man.
  • Water with lemon
    No explanation necessary but happening way too often.
  • Straws
    When a man asks me for a straw, I wonder if he is worried about messing up his lipstick.  Picture Paul Newman drinking from a straw.  You can’t do it can you?

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