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The Top-12 (somewhat atypically) Sexiest Songs Ever Recorded

March 5, 2010

Plus 23 “Honorable Mention” Tracks, for a total of 35 of the sexiest songs you’ve ever (or never) heard.

Once the idea for this post popped into my head, my first thought was, “Yeah, this is a great idea!”, but no sooner had the exclamation point stuck its landing than the follow up thought, “…but it’s so obvious…it’s probably already been done?”, reared its negative head. And indeed, it has been done. Several times in fact. Click on the following link for’s, “50-Sexiest Songs of All Time“, to see just one example.

But wait one second! Before you click on that link, allow me to save you a frustrating waste of time: they picked Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s get physical” as the number 1 song! I know, it’s ridiculous; aside from Jane Fonda, there was nothing sexy in the 80′s. Obviously, everything else on the list is somewhat suspect by association. Case in point:

  • Marvin Gaye, “Let’s get it on” Whatever. Let’s get a yawn. Think about it: When was the last time you actually listened to this song, to say nothing of the last time you listened to it to as some sort of sonic aphrodisiac? Do you even own the CD? Do you have the mp3 tucked away somewhere? While I agree that this song is a legitimate contender (Marvin’s voice is kick-ass), I have a respectable number of songs in my collection, and “Let’s get it on” isn’t one of them. Not even the Kingdom Come version. (They took out the “Let’s”, but left “Get it on”)
  • NIN “Closer” Because nothing says “sexy” like a techno-heavy, mechanical drum-beat. “Closer” doesn’t make the real list for the same reason that the Chili Peppers, “Party on your pussy” isn’t on there: too obvious, too accessible. It’s like audio porn.
  • She Bop“, by Cyndi Lauper. Do I even need to elaborate on this one?

So after reviewing the list, as well as some of the other lists out there, I realized that I still had an opportunity to do this, and unlike my predecessors in this arena, do it correctly.

Here then, for your reading pleasure, and for the first time in internet history, is the real list of the sexiest songs ever cut on wax.

#12 Beth Hart, “Whole lotta love
I was pleased to see that Led Zeppelin made #7 on this “69 Sexiest Songs” list, and I agree with the overall sexiness of the song, especially with lyrics like these:

You’ve been coolin’, baby, I’ve been droolin’,
All the good times I’ve been misusin’,
Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love,
I’m gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love.

You gotta admit that this song has some serious sexual undertones. However, I’ve never found the Zeppelin version to be that sexy. But when Beth Hart does it…Look.The.Fuck.Out!

#11 Dave Matthews, “Say Goodbye
I know; you’re thinking Dave Matthews is a schmuck. Maybe he is (or maybe he isn’t), but in any case, it didn’t stop him from writing this unbelievably sexy tune! Check out these lyrics:

So here we are tonight
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What’s on my mind
You’ve got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
Up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let’s make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make
Our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we’ll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

A perfect combination of rhythm and chords (A, E, D)

#10 Beth Hart, “Lay your hands on me
Yep, she’s back. Look, the fact is, this woman could say, “Hey, I’m gonna run to the store and pick up some milk”, and it’d sound fucking awesome. That’s just the way she rolls.

I’m inviting you, I’m inviting you
Lay your hands on me
Run as fast as you can, run as fast as you can
So lay your hands on me

Hold me as long, my body’s shaking
Hold me as long, I’m anticipating
And hold me as long, your woman’s waiting
Yeah, don’t be shy

#9 PrinceDarling Nikkiand #8Little Red Corvette
Let’s get this straight: Nikki was not masturbating with a magazine in a weird, “rolled up in a tube” kinda way, she was masturbating “with” a magazine in the same way that you’d mean it if the song were about Nikki Sixx. She was looking at it, get it?

I’m not quite sure what “Little Red Corvette” is about, but I’m relatively certain he’s not talking about a car:

Little Red Corvette
Baby, U’re much 2 fast (Yes U are)
Little Red Corvette
U need 2 find a love that’s gonna last (Oh, oh)

A body like yours oughta be in jail
Cuz it’s on the verge of bein’ obscene
Move over, baby, gimme the keys
I’m gonna try 2 tame your little red love machine

#7 Beth Hart, “Guilty
Oh…my…GOD! Are you freakin kidding me! This woman has a goddamned patent on “all things sexy”! [fans face] Just listen to it.

#6 Chris Isaak, “Wicked Game
One of the rare instances where the video and the song are perfectly aligned! Sexy as all get-out! The overall tonality of this song is perfect. Whatshername is not too hard on the eyes either but most importantly, this SONG is sexy, with or without the video.

#5 RHCP, “Sexy Mexican Maid
Rumor has it that John Frusciante hooked up electrodes to his…”libido”, and then went to Vegas in “record” mode with a pocket full of cash and no conscience. After four days of non-stop depravity, the data was converted into an audio signal which was then routed through John’s amplifiers for distortion. The resulting sound was fed back through his guitar, and what you hear on the album is the result. Forget the lyrics, the guitar itself is a beckoning siren of sensuality!

hair so smooth, black as coal
aw baby the way you sway
you wear the dress so very blue
that you take my blues away
she comes and goes that i know
she cums at least once a day
i can’t resist i kiss your lips
you’re my sexy mexican maid

#4 Dinah Washington, “Long John Blues
1948. Nineteen forty-fuckin-EIGHT! That’s when Dinah had the BALLS to record this song! Just 28 years after women gained the right to fucking vote, a BLACK woman has the moxy to record this song. Even if the lyrics weren’t so incredibly suggestive, this song would still be sexy from a “fuck you and the back of your bus” standpoint. But the lyrics are suggestive, and if you can listen to this song with your parents in the room and not feel awkward, I don’t want to know why.

I’ve got a dentist who’s over seven feet tall
Yes, I’ve got a dentist who’s over seven feet tall
Long John they call him, and he answers every call

Well, I went to Long Johns office and told him the pain was killin’
Yes, I went to Long Johns office and told him the pain was killin’
He told me not to worry, that my cavity just needed fillin’

He said, “When I start drillin’, I’ll have to give you novocaine”
He said, “Yes, when I start drillin’, I’ll have to give you novocaine”
Cause ev’ry woman just can’t stand the pain”

He took out his trusted drill and he told me to open wide
He said he wouldn’t hurt me but he’d fill that hole inside
Long John, Long John, you’ve got that golden touch
You thrill me when you drill me, and I need you very much

When he got through, he said “Baby, that will cost you ten”
Yes when he got through, he said “Baby, that will cost you ten
Six months from now, come back and see me again”

Say you’re supposed to see your dentist ’bout twice a year, that’s right
But I think I feel it throbbin’, yes, I’ll go back there tonight
Long John, Long John, don’t ever move away
Say, I hope I keep on achin’ so I can see you every day

#3 Third Eye Blind, “I want you
I’ve always been a huge 3EB fan, but even among all their other kick-ass songs, this one has always stood out to me as something special.

An open invitation to the dance
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in
No apology because my urge is genuine
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine
Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent cause it bit so deep into my soul
I want you

Yeah, you do you do…
You make me want you
Oh you do you do…
Send me all your vampires
I want you

And I can’t get enough, oh I can’t get enough
And I can’t get enough

The village church yard is filled with
Bones weeping in the grave
The silver lining of clouds
Shines on people Jesus couldn’t save
You want to know how deeply my soul goes
Deeper than bones
Deeper than bones

Send me all your vampires! How fucking cool is that! That’s like, “Look, I love everything about you. You can fart under the covers, and I’ll still spoon, ’cause I’m like in love with you ‘n shit.”

There’ll be no regrets when the worms come. And they…shall surely…come.

#2 Janis Joplin, “I need a man to love
Wow! There’s only one Janis, to that there can be no doubt! The plaintive, desperate pleading in her voice; I believe her! She is so unbelievably awesome that I hate to give her the 2nd place spot, and if you want to argue that this song should be #1, you won’t get too much of a fight from me. This song is the real reason Bob is smiling; he think’s Janis wants him!

#1 Beth Hart, “Am I the One
OK, so you probably figured out by now that I have a serious crush on Beth Hart. But seriously…HOLY SWEET-BABY JESUS(!), when she kicks in the afterburners on those vocals….my god, I feel like I could faint, my pulse quickens, and my face feels flushed. Wherever that guttural, primal, carnally-charged chord is that lives in a man’s heart & soul…her voice finds mine in a heartbeat! Un-fucking-questionably the sexiest song ever recorded, and very likely, the sexiest song that ever will be recorded. Listen at your own amorous risk.

Honorable Mention (alphabetically sorted)

You shook me all night long

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman that I ever seen

She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin’ me out with those American thighs

Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there

‘Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you -

Shook me all night long

Go ahead and admit it: If you’re a woman between 18-65, you’ve wanted to be that girl.

Fiona Apple, “Criminal
At first I thought it was just subjective, but after running the data through some of the Cray supercomputers over at the University, I found out the truth: This little chickie has got it goin-on, and this song absolutely simmers with sensuality.

April Wine, “Just between you and me
Fuck you. It’s a kick ass song.

Atlanta Rhythm Section, “So into you
Rhythm & Groove my friends! This is the song that will pull you out on the dance floor!

Blondie, “Call me
If it were possible to have a sonic orgasm, I’m pretty sure this song would be THE soundtrack.

Tracy Chapman, “Give me one reason
Give me one reason this song shouldn’t be on this list?

The Cure, “Pictures of You
OK, so maybe “sexy” isn’t the right word. Artsy? I don’t know, but there’s just something about this song, the music, that works. Against reason, it works.

Jeffrey Gaines, “In your eyes
This guy has a killer, smokey/raspy voice, and straight-up nails this Peter Gabriel tune. Pretty cool video to go along with it as well.

Happy Mondays, “Bob’s yer Uncle

What do you want to hear when we’re making love
What do you want to hear when we’re making love
Can I take you from behind and hold you in my arms

What do you want to hear when we’re making love
Can I take you from behind and feel you in my heart
What do we need to re-live to bring us close

Why don’t you do it to me
Why don’t you do those things to me
Why don’t you do it to me
Why don’t you do those things to me

Four fall in a bed, three giving head, one getting wet
Four fall in a bed, three giving head, one getting wet

If you still think they’re talking about some ambiguous uncle “Bob”, Prince has a “little red Corvette” he’d like to sell you!

Inner Circle, “Ah la la la la

Girl I want to make you sweat
sweat till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it some, more, more

If your libido hasn’t been summoned after hearing this song, you probably are very skilled at multiple video games.

Jewel, “Serve the ego
This song has feminists so pissed off they’re seriously thinking about exercising the 2nd amendment rights, and buying a handgun to go shoot some shit.

Mirror, mirror
Do you like
What you see?
I’ll dance for you
If you dance for me
Who says a woman
Cannot serve?
It would be my pleasure
Who says it is
Not my destiny
To let you control me?

Johnny Lang, “Good morning little schoolgirl
If you have to ask, just move on over to

Madonna, “Hung Up
Without the audio, this would still be sexy. Without the video this would still be sexy. Without the audio or video, it would still be sexy, but in an idealistic, platonic sort of way.

Kate Schrock, “Need
You probably haven’t heard of Kate Schrock, but she smokes-it-up with a couple of tunes, “Need” being but one example. The video/sound isn’t that good, but the album version kicks ass, as does her live version.

R.E.O. Speedwagon, “Keep on loving you
Is there really any explanation necessary?

Dusty Springfield, “Son of a Preacherman
Every generation of singers has a gal that covers this tune, but Dusty’s version is *the* gold-standard by which they are all measured:

How well I remember
The look that was in his eyes
Stealin’ kisses from me on the sly
Takin’ time to make time
Tellin’ me that he’s all mine
Learnin’ from each other’s knowin’
Lookin’ to see how much we’ve grown and

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the son of a preacher man
The only boy who could ever teach me
Was the son of a preacher man
Yes he was, he was, oh yes he was

Joss Stone, “Don’t cha wanna ride?

A car this fine don’t pass your way everyday
Don’t cha wanna ride baby
Don’t cha wanna ride baby
A car this fine don’t pass your way everyday
Don’t cha wanna ride baby
Time is slipping by, by, by
Slipping by

Self confident. Unapologetic. Joss straight up says, “Look dude, I’m hot, and this is your last (and probably only) chance at hooking up with me.

Susan Tedeschi, “Wrapped in the arms of another
Wow! WOW! WOW!!! Holy shit this gal can sing! Her voice is the keystone that holds this song of longing together.

Van Halen, “Black and Blue
Fine. Turn off the vocals. I agree; they’re junior high-ish at best. But still, that guitar is something special! The experiment I mentioned above where John Frusciante went to Vegas…Eddie pioneered that technique years earlier.

Scott Weiland, “Divider
Fine, so he’s singing about being in love with heroin. So what. He still makes it sound sexy. Sexy like Fat Bastard, in a self-confident-but-still-sick-and-wrong kinda way.

Lucinda Williams, “Righteously
There is no decent video to accompany this song, and the few that are available on youtube are so bad that if you attempt to watch them, you may become physically ill. Seriously; dont. Go. There. Don’t!

White Zombie, “More Human than Human
This is the one song on this list that we can argue about. My argument is that (1) the beat works, and (2) the guitar works, so that (3) the resulting combination of beat + guitar works as well.

And finally, for purely technical reasons, I had to include this one as well:

Flight of the Conchords, “Business Time
Pure. Awesomeness.




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