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Dancing With the Hookers and Has-Beens

March 2, 2010
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Dancing With the “Stars” Announces New Cast

It’s quite telling that ABC chose to announce their new slate of “stars” for the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars during the The Bachelor finale. They teased the 11th cast member until the After the Final Rose segment and we come to find out it is Mr. Bachelor himself, Jake Pavelka.  Thank heavens we didn’t have to suffer through a moment without him being an ubiquitous presence on television.  He just won the fame-whore lottery, he got a full 15 minutes put back on his clock of fame.

Here’s who will be joining him:

Hookers

Pam Anderson.  Lets just hope she does a better job covering up than she has been doing lately.  Last time I checked, this is still being promoted as a family show.  She is a certifiable mess, and should make for interesting television. Famous for being on Baywatch, being a slut, and forgetting to wear clothing in public.

Nicole Scherzinger.  Famous for singing (and I use that term loosely) in the band the Pussycat Dolls and also wearing scant clothing. Doncha’ hope she goes away quickly?

Reality Whores

Kate Gosselin.  Some genius at ABC decided that we have not seen enough of Kate Gosselin over the last year, and that we are clamoring for more. Ugh.

Jake Pavelka.  Nothing tells the world that you are taking your new “engagement” seriously and really trying to foster your relationship than announcing before the end of the show that you will immediately be training 24/7 with hot, nubile women in a dance competition.

Has Beens

Shannon Doherty.  Her popularity peaked during her stint on 90210 in the early 1990′s, when she also became frequent tabloid fodder. She re-visited her alter ego Brenda Walsh when the CW remade 90210 last year.  Famous for: a flaring temper.

Buzz Aldrin.  Actually, I have a lot of respect for this guy, but his claim to fame was a moon landing in 1969!  Also, he is 80 years old.  I hate when they bring a token old person onto the show.  I admire his chutzpah for taking on the physically demanding challenge.  I will be stressed out each week worrying about him breaking a hip.

Athletes

Evan Lysacek.  How pissed would you be if you found out that you were competing against this guy (you know Buzz Aldrin was all, “oh HELL no!”)  How is this fair?  Lysacek just won a gold medal, essentially for dancing on the ice.  Huge advantage.  Just give him the win right now.

Chad Ochocinco.  I don’t watch football, so I had to look this up. Damned if he isn’t wacky as hell.  His real last name is Johnson, but he chose to legally change his name to Ocho Cinco to represent the numbers on his Cincinnati Bengals jersey. Um okay.  This could be entertaining.

Beauties

Erin Andrews.  Stunning. An ESPN reporter who was horribly violated last year when some pervert taped her in a hotel room while she was changing and posted it on the internet.  She seems classy, as she handled the whole debacle with grace.

Who Dats

Aiden Turner.  Some British dude who  is on “All My Children”

Niecy Nash.  Unless you are a devotee of Reno 911, you probably don’t know who this is.  But I’m rooting for her, because anyone who walks down the red carpet like this is all right in my book.

niecy nash's butt on red carpet

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3 Responses to “ Dancing With the Hookers and Has-Beens ”

  1. hazzMatt on March 2, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I was so hoping that you were going to say that the Hollywood Madam “Heidi Fleiss” was going to be one of the “stars”.

    it would have made it much more interesting of a show.

  2. Sara Henke on March 2, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Don’t use the term “singing” too loosely when it comes to Nicole Whateverthehellhernameis. I saw PCD open for Britney and unlike the headliner who thankfully didn’t sing ONE NOTE live, PCD and Nicole in particular, actually do sing live and do a bang-up job of it. Shocking, I know, but true.

  3. Shannon on March 2, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Wow, I am shocked, Sara, but if you say it, it must be true.

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