Discounts in Dating
About every ten years, I feel I’ve gathered enough material to pony up some ‘Dating Advice’. Normally, I’d let ya’ll just figure it out, but lately I’ve witnessed some situations which inspired me to bake up some relationship brownies laced with a little encouragement flavouring.
I’m not saying my way is right or your way is wrong, I’m jus’ sayin’. So, let’s have a gander at the stuffings I’ve learned from ages 23 to 33. (Also note, I am bequeathing this information to both males and females. Neither one is any better than the other; so let’s play nicely together.)
1. Confidence. Probably one of the best boosters for a relationship is having the ability to know you’re a fine person and, therefore, treat people and yourself accordingly. When I was small, I was no prize looker and my negative attitude made me even more unattractive. Fortunately, I turned out pretty well due to my theory that a smile and a genuinely positive attitude will overshadow bad hair, those stubborn seven pounds, spandex, etc. (Helpful hint: Even if you don’t think you have It to flaunt It, you probably have It to fake It.)
2. Communication. Sounds trite, but it’s not. Boys & Girls are not mind readers and the length of time you’ve shared a toothbrush does not entitle justification when you are sans that Wonka Bar you think you’ve been successful in hinting about. If one claims they ‘really don’t want something’ why shouldn’t their partner take that at face value? Instead of rationalizing, ‘my partner should know me better and realize I do want said Wonka Bar’, think about this: Your partner probably trusts you enough to believe that you wouldn’t fib to him or her about what you desire.
3. Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to make a case for or against it because the whole thing makes me tired. Controversially, I will say that having played the ‘You Don’t Get Jack’ game every mid-February can make anyone a little bitter. My advice is to take advantage of the day before or after the 14th and score on the ‘I dig our relationship every day of the year’ trump. Even presenting your partner with a pack of gum or a Chips marathon would probably make them feel special.
4. Kissing. For the love of Lewis & Clark, DO NOT claim to be a good/great/exceptional kisser-even if you’re about ninety-three per cent sure you are. Trust me, this will most often lead to tragedy. By claiming to be the Crowning Caboodle of Kissing, you’ve already set standards which are possibly unobtainable & annoying. (Helpful hint: When asked about your kissing skillz, take advantage of the situation by claiming modesty. If you state ‘unsure’, think how impressed the object(s) of your desire(s) will be once you pull off the super-smackeroon. Or, if you’re not so good, you didn’t have anything to lose in the first place, right? However, as a firm believer in kissing being the keystone to almost every relationship, if you’re bad-fix it. Immediately.)
5. Friends with Benefits. There is a way to pull this off successfully and it’s called ‘Flipping the Switch’. If you’re going to compete in this game, you should have no emotions. Flip the Switch, don’t take any interest in anything, do not spend the night after long make-out sessions, and don’t dial unless necessary. Ladies (I’m not singling you all out, but I’ve watched a majority experience failings during this competition), I don’t recommend taking part in this unless you have that ability to go numb at the drop of a hat. I’ve only been witness to two Chicks who could pull off the Friends with Benefits category & it’s not for the faint of heart. Actually, it’s for those who have no hearts.
If you’ve gained anything remotely insightful from this, tune in next week for another set of ‘Dating Advice’ adventures. I’ve got a minefield of potential pass-me-downs sure to lead you into or away from disaster. Until then, happy harmonizing.