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Beware the Brides of March.

February 22, 2010

Cacophony SocietyWait…?  What?  Brides?

That’s right, Brides.  Yes I know that Julius Caesar was warned of the Ides of March, which the soothsayers claimed would bring his demise.  Yes I’m aware that Caesar was then killed by the senate, each taking turns plunging knives into the Roman leader.  Even Caesar’s most trusted friend took a turn with a dagger, for the senate had to be united.  Et tu Brute?   (Marcus Junius Brutus )

The Ides of March are indeed portrayed to be filled with bad omens after that fateful event in 44BC.  Even now, people avoid the Friday the 13,  and worry about March 12 – 17, without even knowing why.  Well I’m here to tell you that you have Shakespeare and good ol Julius Caesar… yes you too Brute, to thank for such superstition.

For centuries after that fateful day on the Senate steps the Roman people avoided doing any planning around March 13 through March 17th.  And as the Roman armies conquered the rest of Europe, they took with them their superstitious ways spreading curses and omens.

But this isn’t about the ides of March.  Well not so much.

In 1999, March of 1999, a group of people belonging to a rag tag group called the “Cacophony Society”,(which is a pretty awesome group of people who come up with creative ways to go out drinking or raising hell in general), came up with an idea called “Brides of March”, a pub crawl with only one rule: You must wear a bridal gown.  Man, Woman, sasquatch or munchkin, you must wear a gown, or you’re not welcome to the crawl.  So, all those attending “Brides” put on a bunch of thrift store wedding dresses (yes men too) and hit the streets in San Francisco and started a movement both  as creative, and annoying, as “SantaCon” (Another of the Caco group pub crawls that has gotten way out of hand… and if you don’t know of that, well you’ve been living under a rock and that story is best kept for another time.  Like December.)

Cacophony SocietyBrides has grown since 1999, has caught on in most cities, with people of all walks of life attending a silly drunken event that only adheres to that one rule.  Remember, NO grooms allowed.  Only brides! I’m told that today’s “Brides” resembles a scene from The Bachelor where the Streets of San Francisco were swarming with a white sea of wedding distress. (which is scary enough, without the thought of the various women chasing a single guy down demanding that they marry them. <shudder>)

So now is the time when people search thrift stores, starting fights at the Goodwill, clawing eyes and pulling hair at the Salvation Army, and kick people in the shins at “<insert your thrift store here>”, in hopes to find the most stunningly bad wedding dress to be used in this sloppy bride march.  People plan the route(s) that cover(s) all the bars in the area, making sure to cause the most traffic jams and congestion as possible.   Throngs of people, married and single alike, plan and plot to take over bars, buses, trains, sidewalks, cross walks, hotel lobbies, and convenience stores, all the while wearing white lace and taffeta gowns of purity… which shouldn’t be worn by this particular group of drunkards anyway, as “pure left the table years ago”.   (which is half the fun of hanging out with them anyway). And all these plans… are meant to be kept secret, so that they are not set upon by anti Brides… or Brides maids…. Or some group that want’s to tag along with the brides.  Remember, Brides only damnit!

I find it prophetic that Brides falls a month after the Vagina Monologues. (yes insert funny laughing snickering about talking vaginas. No really, because it’s the funniest name ever for a play.  Aside from “Vagina”, which will get me smirking every time, it indicates that the Vag is talking… How funny is that?  What?  Am I the only one that finds talking vaginas funny? Vaginal Discharge jokes? Cartoons of sideways vaginas with a tongue and teeth smiling, holding a conversation… I’m sorry it’s hilarious?  Sigh, must just be me).  V-Monologues is held around Valentine’s day and is meant to bring a spot light to domestic violence. Or at least violence against women, as I’m not aware of any play designed to bring awareness to the abuse of husbands.  I’m pretty sure that’s what strip clubs are for. (Although I might just write “Penis Dissertations, a conversation with the Dicks in your life”, just so we men get a play about our privates too).

Man in Wedding VeilSo a month after “Vagina” (snicker), comes (snort, snicker) the Brides of March, which may be coincidental, or possibly supernatural, but totally outrageous.  I happen to have been asked by more then one person to attend this year’s “Brides” festivities, however I am not the type of guy to wear the attire required for “Brides”.  That’s right folks, I don’t wear dresses.  Regardless of what people say about secure manhood, dress wearing not being a big deal, and all the rest, I just can’t get past the “no pants” part.  (and the whole wearing the dress).  Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m old fashioned (but not 44bc old fashioned where Brutus walked the senate in a skirt, that big poof!), but I just don’t think I’d be comfortable sporting lace and satin, frilly shoulders, and a veil.  I don’t care how lovely a bride I might be, it just won’t happen.

I will be involved however, because one of my friends, attending “Brides”, has asked me to do some theatrical makeup to make her bloodied and beaten.  She wants a black eye, broken nose and if possible some bruises on her arms.  As I said the Cacophony society is slightly twisted (in a good way) in their expression of self.  My friend is all about shock value.

[Side track to some back story: I’m an artist, and one of the many things that keep me busy is theatrical and special effects makeup.  In October I’m in demand for haunted houses as well as makeup for people to go out to parties… So for me to do makeup for an event like this is commonplace.  End side track]

So I’ve agreed to make her up as a battered wife.  To bruise, beat, and bludgeon this poor woman who will be in a blood splattered wedding gown.  Aside from the shock value of this getup, I’m sure she’ll also bring a bit of awareness to the whole “domestic violence” issue also. (See the tie in with the Vagasil diatribe?).  And I’m told for a reward for doing such lovely makeup would be for her to make or fit a wedding dress just for me… Which if you read my previous thoughts on the matter, you’ll see is a waste of time.  It’s almost like she wants to convince me NOT to do her bloody makeup.  After talking to some friends about Brides, someone said that maybe I could wear a white kilt.  Hmmm… I’m not so sure about that one.  I have a feeling that I would feel like I was wearing a pleated catholic school girl skirt. (please don’t fantasize about that).

Now if you’re a woman who wants to get out on March 13th, see the town, and possibly get proposed to, en mass by sloppy drunks all wearing white, or if you’re a guy and think you’re man enough to pull off a super sized shock of white fabric that is sure to show off your hairy man cleavage, then please join in the levity!  Find a local chapter of the Cacophony Society, and sign up for a day you’ll remember.   And remember men, I’m sure you can find a super sized gown at any thrift store, or, if not, then ask around, I’m sure you’ve got friends who can let a dress out just for you. (and get ready for the “you big girl” jokes… ya big girl!)

All this talk of domestic violence and wife beating has me in the mood for a bit of music:

Disclaimer.  I’m against all forms of violence, especially domestic violence, and that towards children.  Now post something before I smack ya.


2 Responses to “ Beware the Brides of March. ”

  1. Sara on February 22, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Brides? Vagina Monologues? This is sooo my idea of personal Hell.
    Thank goodness I’ll be in San Francisco rather than Portland around that time.

  2. Matt (hazzmatt) on February 22, 2010 at 2:47 pm


    So you’re going to the meca of weird and strange… the birthplace of Brides…

    I’ll make sure to find out “where” things will be going on so you can take photos